Stressed to the max

Didnt know where else to turn for some adive/help. A little back story.
Almost 5 years ago my dad passed away from ALS. I was his main caregiver. Watching him take his last breath is an image that will forever be stuck in my head. I get flash backs from it all the time. I did things to help him that i thought i would never have to do. But in the process i learned alot about myself and what i was capable of. About 4 months later i met my now wife and step daughter, who saved my life. I was on a path to destruction and drinking my self to death. Everything was going great then my wife gets sick about two years ago. She got diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia. Its not fatal, but it is nicked named the suicide disease cause some people would rather take their own life then live with the pain. Its ranked the fourth most painful condition known to man. She has to stop working, cause of the pain and spasms. I lose my truck cause we cant afford it any more. We were fighting all the time cause i didnt think i had it in me to take care of another person. To the point were i put a gun up to my head one night and the only thing that stopped me was seeing her and ny step daughters face before i pulled the trigger.
While my dad was sick i slipped a disk in my lower back and have been taking hydrocodone for about 7 years now. In the process i have become addicted to them. Its sucks and i hate them but i cant even get out of bed and function with taking one as soon as i wake up. My wife is on them to for her face so we share them. When we run out we sometimes get the off the street. Those pills have been such a fight between us for a while now. In February of last year we found out my wife is pregnant. We were terrified. But she was our little blessing in disguise. My wife had health insurance while she was pregnant so we got all these test and stuff done and figured out what exactly was going on with her face. Our little angel was born in October with no problems what so ever. We were so thankful. Theres are days my wife is hurting so bad she cant take care of the baby and it breaks my heart. I help while im at home but work nights. The only thing that can fix her face is surgery which we cant afford with no insurance. We are struggling so bad financial. Were about to lose yet another car. We have been lucky that her mom has been letting us live in her house and she pays all the bills. But this house is falling apart and i dont want to keep raising a baby here. Buy we cant afford to move. We are waiting to hear back from disability. Its gotten so bad, im so depressed i think about just ending my life agin all the time, thinking my girls would be better off without me. Bad luck seems to follow me wherever i go. I dunno what to do anymore. I just want my wife back to normal and go back to a normal life.

Wow. You have so much going on, I am so sorry. Don’t take your life. You may think that life would be better if you were dead but my friend that is just not true. I know for sure that you family loves you and they always will. I don’t know weather you are a Christian or not but if you are, put your trust in God and surrender it to him. Stop trying to take control of every situation and just let God handle it. For he will create beauty in the midst of ashes. I am so sorry for everything that’s happened and happening. I pray that things for our for you. And remember, you can ALWAYS talk about anything that’s going on in your life on HeartSupport. It’s all ways open man.

1 Like

My friend, I am so sorry you are your family are going through so many challenges in your lives right now. As @BiscuitBoy0105 said, please don’t take your life. I know you may be at one of your darkest points but you are loved and cared for by your family, by us here at Heart Support, and most importantly, by God. It’s hard to feel that love in our lives when we are at our darkest moments but you have a wonderful family that WANTS and NEEDS you around.

I am sure that taking care of your father while he was alive was so stressful and painful and I am sorry you had to go through with that. It’s understandable that you would be exhausted from dealing with all of these things in life. While I have not been in your exact situation, I have also struggled with many very challenging life situations, one after the other. I have been very suicidal at many times in my life. I still struggle with it to this day. I get those feelings and I understand where you are coming from.

Would it be possible for you and your wife to go see a counselor? I know it can be expensive but I am sure there has to be some affordable options. Maybe just talking through these painful things together and with a third party could be helpful. I went to a counselor for months with my wife because of the severe depression and anxiety I was having and because of relationship issues we needed to work on.

My friend, I am praying for you and your family. Each one of us here at Heart Support wants you around on this earth. We care for you. Please keep communicating with us and let us know how we can help. You are a brave person and you have a strong and loving spirit. Stay strong and hold fast!

  • Geoffrey