I work on a farm raising calves and it’s a stressful job but I love it it’s not the job that’s bad. I’m responsible for a whole bunch of little lives that God put into my hands to help nurture and raise and recently one of them got sick and I didn’t catch it. It ended up dying no matter what I did to keep it alive and I don’t talk much at work to tell anybody it’s been bugging me ever since feeling like it’s all my fault. I mean this innocent cute little calf I feel died because I wasn’t paying enough attention to it… right now I struggle with feeling like maybe I’m not good enough to be in this position and I’m trying so hard to work and understand their health and everything but it’s just there in the back of my head that I’m not good enough and that another calf might die because of me and for me that’s like losing my kid or something. I don’t have kids so they’re my babies and I mean when you’re raising it and watching it grow up and suddenly it passes I mean it’s really hard to deal with and move on from for some reason. I don’t know maybe it’s something small and petty that I shouldn’t talk about I know people have worse things going on but it’s something that’s been on my mind for quite awhile now…
Give yourself compassion and love. Just as you do to your beloved animals.
A few things here really stick out to me that I will point out to hopefully ease a bit of your pain. You said “No matter what I did”. When I read that what I am reading is that you worked hard to help that calf. It sounds like you gave it extra care to try and help it and did all that you could. You didn’t ignore it or shrug it off and think of it as “sad but just another animal”. Instead you loved it, cared for it, and did all that was in your control to help it. It sounds like you work with other people and caring for the animals is multiple peoples’ responsibility. If you didn’t catch it quick enough then it sounds like you aren’t the only one. If multiple people were around this calf and none of them realized then it sounds like something that wasn’t easy to notice. Animals can’t speak and they aren’t human so it isn’t as easy for them to alert us when something is wrong and we aren’t as quick to notice problems with them as we might be with another human who we know what to look for and expect. Last you said “God put into my hands.” God may have been using that calf to serve a purpose. That calf brought you here and and put you into contact with a lot of people that may be helped by your post or who you may help one day. That Calf may have raised some awareness to what y’all are doing and given y’all more understanding to help future Calves. It could be any number of purposes. I don’t know the extent of what you’re feeling because we all experience these things differently. I hope, though, that my message can help you find a bit of peace with what you’re feeling right now.
Hey friend, I think you’re being really hard on yourself. Maybe too much. It’s understandable to be sad and heart broken over something like this, but don’t put so much fault on yourself you know? You tried your best. You did what you could. Sometimes things fall out of our control.
I know this happened but it doesn’t mean that you aren’t good enough. I imagine that a lot of doctors feel this way too. Not every procedure and surgery is a success. Not every life can be saved. And I imagine they probably carry a lot of heavy feelings like you are. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t good enough. Even the best of people at their jobs will have moments like this. And that’s okay.
I’m sorry that it is impacting you so much. Because I get it. My best friends fur babies are her children. Are her life. So something like this would shred her apart.
This is NOT petty. At all. It’s important to you! And that matters. Absolutely do not feel bad for sharing your heart and something that has big meaning to you. It absolutely makes sense that it hurts.
Just remember, Dont beat down on yourself too hard okay?