I work on a farm raising calves and itās a stressful job but I love it itās not the job thatās bad. Iām responsible for a whole bunch of little lives that God put into my hands to help nurture and raise and recently one of them got sick and I didnāt catch it. It ended up dying no matter what I did to keep it alive and I donāt talk much at work to tell anybody itās been bugging me ever since feeling like itās all my fault. I mean this innocent cute little calf I feel died because I wasnāt paying enough attention to itā¦ right now I struggle with feeling like maybe Iām not good enough to be in this position and Iām trying so hard to work and understand their health and everything but itās just there in the back of my head that Iām not good enough and that another calf might die because of me and for me thatās like losing my kid or something. I donāt have kids so theyāre my babies and I mean when youāre raising it and watching it grow up and suddenly it passes I mean itās really hard to deal with and move on from for some reason. I donāt know maybe itās something small and petty that I shouldnāt talk about I know people have worse things going on but itās something thatās been on my mind for quite awhile nowā¦
A few things here really stick out to me that I will point out to hopefully ease a bit of your pain. You said āNo matter what I didā. When I read that what I am reading is that you worked hard to help that calf. It sounds like you gave it extra care to try and help it and did all that you could. You didnāt ignore it or shrug it off and think of it as āsad but just another animalā. Instead you loved it, cared for it, and did all that was in your control to help it. It sounds like you work with other people and caring for the animals is multiple peoplesā responsibility. If you didnāt catch it quick enough then it sounds like you arenāt the only one. If multiple people were around this calf and none of them realized then it sounds like something that wasnāt easy to notice. Animals canāt speak and they arenāt human so it isnāt as easy for them to alert us when something is wrong and we arenāt as quick to notice problems with them as we might be with another human who we know what to look for and expect. Last you said āGod put into my hands.ā God may have been using that calf to serve a purpose. That calf brought you here and and put you into contact with a lot of people that may be helped by your post or who you may help one day. That Calf may have raised some awareness to what yāall are doing and given yāall more understanding to help future Calves. It could be any number of purposes. I donāt know the extent of what youāre feeling because we all experience these things differently. I hope, though, that my message can help you find a bit of peace with what youāre feeling right now.
Hey friend, I think youāre being really hard on yourself. Maybe too much. Itās understandable to be sad and heart broken over something like this, but donāt put so much fault on yourself you know? You tried your best. You did what you could. Sometimes things fall out of our control.
I know this happened but it doesnāt mean that you arenāt good enough. I imagine that a lot of doctors feel this way too. Not every procedure and surgery is a success. Not every life can be saved. And I imagine they probably carry a lot of heavy feelings like you are. But that doesnāt mean they arenāt good enough. Even the best of people at their jobs will have moments like this. And thatās okay.
Iām sorry that it is impacting you so much. Because I get it. My best friends fur babies are her children. Are her life. So something like this would shred her apart.
This is NOT petty. At all. Itās important to you! And that matters. Absolutely do not feel bad for sharing your heart and something that has big meaning to you. It absolutely makes sense that it hurts.
Just remember, Dont beat down on yourself too hard okay?
hugs