Struggles in Trust/ Imposter Syndrome

Hello, I don’t particularly know how to start this so I’m just going to jump in. I have faced a lot of external, and internal adversity in my life. My mom went to rehab when I was six, my dad convinced me she didn’t want me, I later learned it wasn’t true, but what were told so young becomes ingrained. My brother passed when I was eleven years old, and my dad left me behind the following year, I was living in his house on my own until moving in with my mom. I never had many friends and was picked on constantly through grade school, middle school, and high school for being overweight. I worked so hard to lose weight and eventually got my first girlfriend, and I started working on being a metal vocalist. Out of embarrassment that relationship was a secret at school, and she left me on the day I lost one of my friends to drugs. Months later I lost another friend to suicide. I was lost and alone, so I turned to alcohol, and occasionally cannabis which I don’t have any qualms with when I use it in a healthy manor. Eventually dropped out of high school, but graduated to drugs, painkillers when I could get them and extremely high dosages of cough medicine much more regularly. I fell in love which was met with the same just friends response, which eventually turned into her sleeping with who I thought was my best friend. He later got me arrested, and slept with the next girl I fell for. I became cold and began being promiscuous with no remorse. At 19 I moved from my small town to Austin TX and actually befriended Nate from HeartSupport. He did everything to help me, and did so much, more than anybody could have ever been expected to, more than anybody before. I was happy there, I had a friend, and I had my sisters family. Regardless I was still using cough medicine as a dissociative. The family fell apart and home I went, back to the town I grew up and fell deeper, I began mixing painkillers and ADHD medication all day every day, at work out of work, until my eventual overdose. I moved back to Texas running again to a girl I’d met there prior. I saw Nate and told him I’d fallen again, but found my way and was standing on my own two feet. At 21 I became addicted to alcohol and cocain, The last time I saw Nate he took me to the hospital, and I lied that I didn’t know what was wrong out of fear of telling the doctors it was likely from a bad drug. My girlfriend was at a rave I said I was getting a ride, drove home high on painkillers, (normal at this time) and after just having a spinal tap. I crawled up my stairs and my girlfriend didn’t even return home until after three in the morning. A lot more drugs, repossession threats, $2000 worth of property damage, and a bunch of lost friends later, I found myself back at my parents with my girlfriend getting back on a plane to Texas.

I began working in a mine, still drinking, but paying my bills, still out of control but not as much so. Eventually I moved with my brother in reno, got a job as a liquor distributor, and moved up to making batteries for Tesla’s still dreaming of music at Panasonic. My current girlfriend started there and i trained her, for my birthday in 2020 her I and a bunch of coworkers went out drinking. She left with and slept with who would become my supervisor well… our supervisor. This was days before our relationship started but I have to admit still stings. Moving on he put her, I, and another employee I trained into competition for a promotion I should have gotten for sure. He himself called me his best operator, a side note also is that I have been sober since just after that night in June. I will have been sober for a year in September. Now To the promotion. I became ineligible because I was hired during covid and they lost my paid time off. In our point system 7 attendance infractions is cause for firing. I was told I had 2 turned out to be 18 which was reduced to 11. Two days later I was given the PTO I was owed that would have allowed me to not get these points. The promotion went to Paul.

Mariah and I continued to build a relationship in which I genuinely felt loved, and cared for. This obviously hurt my job but it was worth it. Considering my connection to music, to helping kids in pain, I loved training, I love training and I am good at it. I have trained 4 out of our 5 last operators. Then Mariah got a production trainer position over me, and a four dollar an hour raise. My cars paid off my brother kicked me out. I’m alone have loans, and have worked my ass off teaching others who are passing me. Me and Mariah due to the separation are fighting still, largely because of my struggle to trust I won’t be left behind. I offered her a promise ring and promised to propose when the tome was right she accepted. I executed some massive new projects of my design at work that got company wide recognition, acceptance, and implementation. Yet I’m still stuck. I am happier than I’ve ever been in my relationship yet I’m still stuck. I don’t believe I deserve it. I don’t believe when my points fall off in November it will be any different.

I feel as my life is this broken record of hope, failure, falling down, hope, failure, falling down. I struggle to believe I deserve to be happy, I struggle to believe that everybody isn’t out to get me, isn’t just in my life to hurt me. I struggle to see the good in my life as I feel in my heart that it will just be followed by agony. I never pictured myself in a home with a wife, pets. I never pictured myself being sober. In my eyes I feel far past my expiration date. Drugs were supposed to take me, because I can’t trust anyways, they were supposed to take me because I’m not meant to feel happiness. Yet here i stand struggling to accept what I’ve always wanted because I feel undeserving. Who I was, how I was treated, the lies, cheating, time theft, being cold hearted. I know I should be happy but I feel I have a sickness with no cure. And I am at a point where I just genuinely don’t know who to turn to, or necessarily what to say. I’m so lost, broken, and just uncomfortable in the skin I’m in. I just want to give the love she deserves accept the promotion is coming and believe I haven’t lost my chance with music and the life I want to lead. Yet still I’m stuck drowning in what was unable to appreciate what is.

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Getting the feels when reading this, on a lonely 4th July night. Addiction is a bitch to overcome, sadly it not something that can’t be change over night. But I’m glad you know Nate and he help you out,. Also have deal with mess up family life sucks and dating world can be close mind.

However, I do hope you keep working on your progress man. Cause I think your life is worth it. At least do it for yourself, even you get lied to. At you have your self love to guide through the tough time.

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