Struggles with school [kinda an everything rant]

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In all honesty, I am crying right now. So, please excuse any grammatical errors, I can barely see my screen.

Today and basically all week have been shitty. School is stressing me already out so much, and it hasn’t even been a week. I’m in my last year, meaning I will have loads of exams and things to study. Just thinking of that makes me wanna do some, let’s say, very bad things to myself. On top of that, I think I’m getting sick. Great. I have been playing therapist for all my friends again, draining myself. I kept a lot of things to myself and when I did build up the courage to tell a friend, they left me on read. Not only that, but they messaged me later on, complaining about something, completely ignoring my statement of not feeling well at all. It hurts. I’m always there for them. They say they are always there for me. But when I actually need them, they either ignore me or make me feel like I disappointed them. Friends aren’t supposed to be that way, right?
I tried telling someone else close to me, about something else that hurt me. I just really needed someone so much in that moment. They didn’t even looked me in the eye when I was speaking. And all they said was ‘okay’, before talking about something else. Why can’t I just have someone for once, that… I don’t know, listens to me. I don’t expect anyone to give me advice or shit. I just want someone I can talk to about what hurts me. Face to face. Someone that just shows me, they care. Is that really too much to ask?
Anyway, back to the original topic. I have maths class tomorrow. And I’m so scared. I don’t even know why, but maths class always put me under a lot of stress. I don’t wanna go. I can’t handle it. I know I can’t. There is a chance I can stay home tomorrow, and I’m so grateful about it. I know, it’s not an forever solution. But at the moment, I just can’t. But even if I can, I’m scared of what my classmates will they. About what my friends will say. They always make me feel, like I let them down, like I left them alone. Like I’m supposed to push back my feelings for them. Everything hurts so much.

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@HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now especially your last year of school when things should be more hopeful with the completion of studying and exams. It sounds like everything is compounding to a point where your heart, body, and soul cannot handle it all. Take hope friend cause you are not in this alone with feeling such heavy stress. If you need to take a personal day away from school then take that opportunity to rest and recover, no need to feel guilty for it.

You should not need to play therapist to all of your “friends” because it sounds like they are using you to validate what they are feeling. Friendship should result in you being equally balanced even though sometimes it is not evenly scored they should care. Continue posting and reaching out here because there is a lot of people that care and want to you to keep moving forward. You summoned up the courage to post today!

Take courage friend <3

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@HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease

Hey,
I’m in year 12 as well and have a Mock Exam block next week and the week after.

You are beautiful and of great worth just the way you are right now.

Sometimes I wish I could just jump through the screen and give the person on the other side a hug to let them know that it’s okay, I wish I could give you a hug to just let you know that it’s okay.

I don’t know if you know the movie
“Treasure Planet”, I’m reminded of Jim (the boy) as I read your message.

He felt like he failed and disappointed those he loved and he just wanted to make his Mum proud to make someone believe in him, and he didn’t believe in himself completely.

You haven’t failed,
You’re worth more than you know,
You’re Beautiful beyond the stars, you have great potential, I can see it just by the person you are

E.g. you’re trying to help your friends even though you are struggling

You want to do better and be better even though it’s hard

I can see it because I’ve been in lonely places myself, I know what it feels like to feel deeply alone where even in places I would’ve thought I’d feel like I belonged the most I still felt like I was by myself like a puzzle piece that just doesn’t fit or like a lost sheep amid a crowed of goats, and in school often I feel like I’m a stranger looking in, as though I don’t belong and I’m a foreigner spectating everything around me.

There is always hope, you are beautiful and you’re amazing.

Something I’ve been learning and reminding myself is;

“It’s okay to not be okay”

and I’ve added

“And if you’re not trying your best or can’t try your best that’s okay too, just keep trying and all things will work together for your good.
Keep Trying”

*Air hugs

Feel free to reply,
(you don’t have to but I’m open if you want to)

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All I can say is that, you have to put yourself first sometimes. You have to take care of you and make sure that you are watering your own garden before you tend to someone else’s. It’s a lot easier to say than to do, trust me, because I have a huge habit of putting everyone before me and playing caretaker. And especially since you’re going through tough times right now with classes.

I wish I could say to not worry about what anyone will say, but just know that here, we aren’t going to pass judgement on you for taking time to yourself to help ease stress. Let out your feelings here. Vent. Rant. Whatever you need to. <3

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