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Struggling a Bit Again [TW: SH, Suicide Threats]

Warning: This post is pretty detailed in terms of how I was feeling and self-harm. Only read if you are in a state with mental capacity for those topics. [Edit: Some paragraphs have been removed for clarity or to protect the personal information of myself or others]

Context is available in my last post: Little Upset -- Volunteerism, Interpersonal Issues, and Mistakes [TW: Threats of Suicide]

TL;DR of my last post (TW: Threats of Suicide)

Another board member in an all-volunteer organization that I’m on the board of (and work in operations of) and I disagreed on a few work-related matters. These disagreements escalated into mild threats of suicide (and mild suggestions of potential for harming others) from the coworker.

This organization has been likely the most significant activity in my life (other than school) for nearly 1.5 years (estimated 10-20hrs/wk time commitment) but I’m sick of dealing with all the issues that have come up in it, particularly this issue with the coworker (which has been ongoing for 2 months).


On Sunday, the fact that I’m going to need to resign from my volunteer role for my own mental health really sunk in. And it really hit like a truck. I actually felt so miserable that my mind just felt numb and I self-harmed for the first time (mild cutting/punching). After that, I wasn’t too worried about the self-harming because I was fairly careful not to injure myself more than intended (nothing that would require medical attention) and it kind of felt like a “one and done” thing for me – didn’t seem like I’d have any urges to do it again in the future, particularly because it didn’t help much.

Pretty soon after reading a message from the coworker mentioned in my last post, I just found myself crying in the corner of the bathroom with my knife in hand and I decided to self-harm again (punching and cutting). Even while writing this post, I punched myself a couple more times (with sufficient force to cause bruising) just thinking about the situation.

The issue with me resigning is that, not only am I abandoning the thousand-ish students that we serve each year (as I don’t foresee the survival of the organization if I leave), but I foresee the coworker in question being removed in the near future.

If he isn’t removed, I foresee this same situation that happened to me happening again to someone else. Not only that, but I also genuinely care about many members of the board and would hate to see them forced to deal with coworker (though about a quarter of the board has indicated that they will resign along with me if he isn’t removed – so it’ll actually be a skeleton crew dealing with him which will just make things worse for those who remain).

Frankly, this volunteering leadership had been the primary thing that my parents (and many others that I know) had verbalized their pride in me for. Hell, both my parents act like it’s my ticket to college (and they aren’t all that wrong). Even though I know that’s all bullshit, it still hurts to know that all their pride is misplaced. My inability to push through this situation is going to forever be one of my greatest failures in life.

So, I’m now at the point where I really do need to close this chapter in the last nearly two years of my life, as much as it may hurt. I just need to find the strength to make it official and draft my letter of resignation, along with notifying the rest of the board who indicated that they’d want to resign if I did so. That’s just a lot easier said than done.

As with my last post, thank you to anyone who read such a long message. I know it’s a lot and I sincerely appreciate the support.

5 Likes

From: Aces MCL36M

Hallos! First of all, I think you are doing the right thing by trying to get the bully fired as it’s not right to lower people’s self-esteem. It’s good not to let it keep going as I bet the bully is picking on a lot more people in the company as well so you would be doing mainly the whole department a favor and they’re probably scared to tell HR about what’s happening.

3 Likes

From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

Hi eagertuna0. Your experience with this bully has truly been a hard one. Please dont blame yourself for this. It has been very hard for but you are managing to see this through and see the bully removed. This is not your greatest failure. This you putting your foot down and saying no to a bully. I know you have done self harm and I know that bully had drained you mentally but that is not you being weak, that is you learning and enduring a situation nobody is ready for unless they have experienced it before. You are tough. There have been people before you who have let this bully get away with this. They were not weak, but they were not ready for it the same way as you but you have putt your foot down and said no. That is something to be proud of. I also think that you should think more about what is good for you and your mental health. Its not weak to care about that, it is actualy very mature. You are not responcible for what the bully does to themselves. Take care of your health and well being first. You deserve it. Hang in there friend. I hope it all turns out well :heart:

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From: Mamadien

Dear Eagertuna0 what a difficult position to be in for sure. It’s good that you are looking to take care of your own mental health. That is incredibly important. And how you choose to do that whether you resign from this organization or you stay for now - should be completely up to you. Please don’t bear the weight of responsibility for an entire organization on your own shoulders. That is what the board is tasked to do. While you are doing an important job there, your health and well being is very important. Please let us know what you fully decide and how this works out for you my friend. I wish you well and I know you will make a wise decision.

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Hi all, thank you all so much for the support. I’m feeling a lot better tonight after meeting with the board regarding this.

At the core of my issues over the last few days, I realize that I lost sight of the fact that the organization doesn’t just rest on my shoulders. While I do have a very significant role there, we have a board with multiple people for a reason, and they unanimously agreed with a certain course of action when we met. Having that plan for the future made a big difference for my mental health.

I also told them that I intend to resign within the next few/couple months and they took it well, which also made a big difference. Also, they believe that there is going to be a path forward for the organization without me and had a couple solutions in mind to solve some of the key issues that I saw (I was being a bit defeatist).

Thanks again to everyone who offered their support. I’m doing a lot better now.

<3 Tuna

2 Likes

Well done for approaching this situation in such a thoughtful way, @eagertuna0. There were many opportunities there to basically tell everyone to f*ck off, out of stress or overwhelm. It is truly admirable and inspiring to see how much you’ve reflected on the situation and made sure that you wouldn’t have to concede on the beautiful values that you hold.

It’s good to hear that you are feeling better. If you hit any low point in the future, please feel free to reach out. You know you have friends here and we care about you. Take care. :hrtlegolove:

1 Like