Struggling again

It’s suffocating to see all the happiness around me and not be able to feel it.
Being snowed in for five days definitely was not great considering I’ve just been alone with nothing but my video games and my thoughts, I just want to feel a connection with somebody again. I always think “I’m capable of way more than people realize”, and then five minutes later I’m thinking “I’m way more messed up than people know.” I keep getting down on myself and the voices keep coming back telling me that I’m just an insignificant person, I’m not capable of anything but mediocrity, and I’ll never be able to find any peace of mind. I know my factual significance, Jesus dying for me on the cross gives my life significance; I know in my mind that’s truth, but I rarely feel it, at least I haven’t for a very long time. I can’t seem to escape the fact that everything I say or do is just a copy of someone else and it doesn’t matter. I just feel out of place, out of mind, and out of energy.

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This reminds me of Imposter Syndrome. How the people we admire and often look up to still feel like they’re faking it, that they’re not that significant.

I do relate to your feelings a lot. So do millions of others on this Earth, I’m sure of that. I’ve repeated those same lines in my own head. But I want you to remember that all of that is in your own hands. What you will do with your life and what you deem significant enough is a personal choice. I mean, even mediocre people affect and save lives on a daily basis. They have an effect on every person they come in contact with, and you’ll never know when that affect could save their life. From my point of view, being mediocre is pretty damn significant already. But I know some people want more - I understand, cause I do. I wanna make a change in people’s lives through art. But that’s something I need to work for, no one else will do it for me. Find what you’re passionate about and go for it. There’s nothing stopping you. I believe in you 100%

Hold fast. x

I been there myself. Maybe you need to reflect on yourself hardcore. You mention that you feel like a copy. It maybe that you might be correct. Maybe you’re feeling so disconnected because where you are you have no home. I feel like this all the time myself.

It is terrible to be lonely when you have people around you. The feeling of being a copy…that might be because you might think you know yourself yet truly don’t know who you are.

I was in such a place. I was a people pleaser as a kid. I took rejection hard & threw tantrums and misbehaved when people rejected me and refused to accept me. I went through school a loner not fitting any label except the class clown & even then a lot of people just viewed me as an asshole or loser. I tried to find myself by trying to get others to like me and finally when they didn’t I took the mantle of the rebel. None of it was me. I didn’t know who I was because everybody was telling me who I was and who I should be.

It took me to literally slow down and reflect on myself during a dire time of finding out I had a mental illness that I realised that I hated myself and what I became. I was a fake. I never learned who I really was and was just roleplaying my circumstances. A lot of people roleplay and this is why they can’t like themselves. Worse is they’re so good at it that they can’t find any reason to not be happy and are totally confused on why they don’t feel happiness let alone contentment.

I myself Know that I am not happy and why I am not happy. Roleplayers can’t determine the reason because they’ve play the role too long they actually believe who they are is the role. Sometimes I wonder if it be better if I remained the roleplayer because then I can blame the world for my unhappiness.

Sometimes Knowing yourself isn’t good. For instance I know my unhappiness comes from my inability to trust myself or anyone else. This is why I feel lonely. This is why I desperately want friends and a lover yet feel hopeless because I know the only person that can fix this problem is me. This is why I am doomed to commit suicide. I have little faith in myself even though I know who I am. This took away all my ability to blame others for my circumstances where I feel so lonely. I like who I am. I know and value myself. Yet none of this has changed the fact I think about suicide constantly.

Sometimes I think it made the matter worse for me yet it is also the reason I haven’t committed suicide. I don’t falter when it comes to my purpose in life that I live for. The deep desire to connect to others and find my place in the world. I struggle with my confidence yet I have security in my reasoning that I can’t take my life just yet. I am sure I most likely will take my life yet I have a weird need to not leave anything unresolved in my life. This urge and knowledge in myself has kept my hand at stay.

So knowing yourself can help you with security in yourself. Yet it comes at a hefty price because it will take away any delusions of the reasons on why you may take you own life if you do commit suicide. It is a real reality check, At least it was for me.

You are Not alone. I think only the postive Person know how it feels Like To be happy. Even through the roughest Times i say To myself it will better. That’s worked for me. :blush:

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i definitely understand what it feels like to be out of place. Its very unsettling and creates a sense of anxiety all the time. I started changing that feeling when i starting thinking differently. We are always told to “find ourselves”, but that only ever leaves us waiting for something that will never happen…you dont just find you. But the amazing thing is You have the chance to define yourself. Every choice and action is defining who you are. This allows you to see where you are and where you want to be in life. I hope that maybe this will spark something and help to get you making choices that define you as a person in the way that you seek to be. its not always easy and we sometimes mess up but with patience, self-love and perseverance you can be the person that you know you want to be.

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@Jaden Hold Fast friend.