I’ll make it quick before I delete this post out of fear, as well. I’m a 27 year old musician who has beaten cancer three times. I suffer from severe clinical depression. I do not drink heavily or do drugs. From the outside, I probably seem like a happy enough guy who has accomplished a lot. I have a great support system and an incredible opportunity being in the band that I’m in, but I feel like a fraud every day that I am alive.
I genuinely miss being creative for the fun of it. It’s become a competitive job that I don’t believe I’m very good at (top 50%), despite friends telling me otherwise. I just want to feel like I am good enough to contribute something to this world. My heart pulls me in a lot of different directions, but I have a hard time doing any of them. If I don’t do anything I feel guilty, but if I work on one thing instead of something else, that’s almost just as bad (learning video when I should be mixing audio, for example). As many of you could assume, this career choice also comes with a lack of benefits. My health anxiety is through the roof as my mental health deteriorates without therapy; I also cannot manage to get my routine checkups for cancer screenings and think about it almost every day.
I’m somewhere between $15-20k in debt and want to file for bankruptcy, but everyone close to me that I trust is telling me it’s a poor choice and to hold off. I’m in collections for 3 bills, have two credit cards at over $11k that I had to use to keep myself afloat during some really hard times, and adult bills to take care of. I don’t know how much longer I’m supposed to or can endure this burden. I feel like it’s either that or give up my dream of being a creative. I have had a near-impossible time finding work in these times that will work with a chaotic touring schedule, so I pick up the very few gigs that I get offered (which are not enough to pay my half of the mortgage/utilities). These also don’t offer health benefits of any sort. I genuinely feel like I have no options right now when it comes to fixing this absolute mess that is my life, even though I know I have things to be happy about.
Every day is becoming a struggle. Tour isn’t fun anymore, being home isn’t fun anymore, making music isn’t fun, my other hobbies aren’t fun or rewarding. I feel like I’m sinking, but I know I have everything I need inside of me to succeed… I just don’t know what I can do to combat my serious financial issues, or my issues of self-confidence/image/worth. I want to make something of myself to make my loving family and girlfriend proud of me and make them want to stick around. I feel stuck.
Welcome to HeartSupport @kota and thank you so much for sharing so much. My heart goes out to you and I cannot say I understand your exact depression or anxiety, but I can sympathize with you how it feels to feel under water and trapped by your life circumstances. I love that you have a creative outlet in music and I think that can be a huge help, but understandably not a magic fix all.
Kudos to you for having the courage to share in such a candid way AND for battling cancer successfully multiple times! That right there shows you are NOT a weak person mentally, emotionally, or physically. Your career and financial situation does not define who you are as a person. Your monetary worth is not a measure of how much worth you are as a person. I know it feels like that is the way to show people around you how successful you are, but that is a pitfall that will perpetually leave you dissatisfied and empty no matter what good or bad you have in your journey.
I know that is easier said than done, especially with emotional troubles and clinical depression, or brain chemistry that is not conducive to good mental health. As you know, cancer is a sickness that affects every part of your body and life. Mental health is the same yet it is so much harder to give yourself the same courtesy and understanding you would when you feel physical sickness. I truly feel for you that you are in a situation where getting mental health care feels so out of reach, but I strongly encourage you to pursue it anyway you can if you are not already. It could mean your very life and the quality of life you live.
Have you ever been diagnosed with a condition that impacts your mental and emotional health? I ask because knowing what you are up against can sometimes be a way to gain traction and success in fighting these negative feelings that nag and undermine your whole being. I cannot speak from personal experience, but no doubt battling cancer you needed support along with treatment to be successful in overcoming the disease. Having mental illness that prevents you from feeling happiness due to imbalances you cannot overcome alone is NOT a sign or indication of weakness, failure, or being less of a person.
I give you a great deal of credit for not turning to substances including alcohol to escape or self medicate, especially in the environment where it would be so easy to access them! And having people in your life that you love and that love and support you is such a great thing to have. Do you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with them?
I’m sorry you’ve been going thru financial problems. Have you thought about talking to someone about how to manage things? Like an accountant or someone who can help you figure out how to get things paid off. My xhusband and I used one to get us out of a pickle and it worked well.
I hope you can get things figured out and enjoy your life as a creative. I’m amazed that you’ve beaten cancer three times! Take care!
Wow, firstly I am so sorry for the struggles you have had to overcome at such a young age too. Welcome to the community firstly, thank you for being Here and sharing so much of what is going on in your life!
I know that someone has mentioned perhaps looking at joining the discord and getting into the focus group and action groups, and I also recommend them highly. A safe group of people to focus on helping you achieve steps and get you back on your feet. Not professionals, but a caring community to support you.
Perhaps from there they can help find some resources to further help you through this hard time. I can see that you are sort of in the throes of feeling like you either have to lose your creative passion or stick with it and feel like it’s not enjoyable for you.
I do wonder if there could be an inbetween somewhere. Creativity presents itself in all forms and can be celebrated in all its various ways.
Maybe doing a different form of creativity will even link into the music side of it. Sometimes a picture or a scene will inspire poetry or inspire sound.
Even reaching others how to find their passion can bring back lost passion into our lives. Your story has so much power and impact.
I know I’m probably rambling and haven’t shared much real advice, but I do hope you feel seen and heard and that you have someone in your corner!
wow @kota sounds like your 27 years have been pretty eventful!
cancer three time? wowza :o
that’s been a journey, and I am so glad that you’re here with us!
Financial stress is one of those scary dark places that it’s really hard to see the light sometimes.
If I may ask, how stressful an idea is it to not tour with the band, and maybe limited your playing with them when they’re local? It sounds like it doesn’t pay as well as you need it to pay, and it’s also not giving you the opportunity to flex your creative muscles anymore.
What do you think about a job as a music teacher? or director for a local band or production company that you can work at, to be more in control of what you play, but so provide you a more stable income?
Leaving the band isn’t a failure. It sounds like you’re juggling a whole heck of a lot of things right now, and maybe it might be nice to have a solid branch to hold on to, while you work on everything else.
You matter, friend, and I hope that being here brings you much support and love that you fully deserve and are worthy of!
Welcome to Heartsupport and thank you so much for posting and for sharing your story.
Goodness you have and are going through so much and I honestly cannot relate to a lot of what you have or are experiencing, however my friend thankfully here we do have people that can and do so I am going to give you links to those people because they can be of far more use to you than I.
We have a new focus group running here now especially that is for people that has been touched by cancer and we have action groups that can also help with working on making decisions about your future and moving forward, its a fantastic way keeping on track.
The link I have given you is for action groups, when you are there you will also be able to fine the focus group that I mentioned, all of this is on the Heartsupport Discord channel.
Friend, I wish you all the very best and I truly hope that we as a community can help you to help yourself move forward and find a happy medium where you can do the things you love and not be in constant worry.
You are loved and valuable.
Lisalovesfeather. x https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/join-an-action-group-or-a-support-wall-action-team/29396