Struggling really badly right now

I’m really struggling right now. I haven’t been this bad in awhile. I had a complete break down in my therapists office yesterday when I basically admitted that I felt like I lost my sense of self and had no idea who I am right now.

I connected it back to my identity always being tied to the person who had assaulted me. When we were friends,(we’ll call him H) I was always “H’s friend,” never Ashley. So when we stopped being friends for obvious reasons that when identity that I had was gone and I’m kind of just realizing now how much it affected me in that respect.

On top of that I got into a really really bad argument (if you can call it that) with my mom. She called me selfish and essentially said she didn’t want to see me and was tired of me. This added on to the stuff that came out during therapy triggered a pretty bad breakdown. I’m having urges to cut and self harm again because all the crap my mom said reaffirmed my belief that I’m deserving of this pain.

I stayed with my boyfriend last night and told him I felt like hurting myself again. I didn’t tell him that on addition to that I was also having suicidal thoughts. His dad committed suicide when he was a kid didn’t want to put that on him. They’re not thoughts that I think I’ll act on, it’s more on the ideation side of it where I’ll think " but it wouldn’t be this way if you weren’t here."

I’m scaring myself and I don’t know what to do right now. I hope all this made sense.

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Hey Ashley,

You’re definitely not alone when it comes to seeking self-worth and self-identity. I agree, it can be very difficult when you lose the person in whom you found your identity in. In fact, it can be arguably unhealthy to become so codependent with someone to the point of finding your identity within him/her. So, to me, speaking long-term, the fact that you’re independently trying to find yourself is a very healthy (albeit very uncomfortable) place to begin.

What your mom said is untrue and should be completely disregarded. People say things that they don’t mean all of the time when they’re angry, so please don’t take to heart what your mom said about you. I know it’s easier said than done, but speaking truth into existence is a start.

While reading your post, a music video came to mind. In the music video “Perfect” by P!nk, it shows a girl who seems to have lost all sense of self. Toward the end of the music video, she finds a passion for art and painting, and learns to thrive on her gift. In a way, she has found a purpose in life - to create. Her new self-identity is an artist. I would recommend for you to find a place of solitude (i.e. Hiking in a forest [I LOVE doing this]) and to think of your hopes, dreams and passions. I firmly believe that you’ll find something special in those categories. Then, you can grow and develop whatever you find. There, you will find your sense of self-worth and self-identity.

-Eric

Hey Ashley. I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way, and I know that losing the thing you once identified with can feel completely overwhelming as if you’re suddenly a no body and worth nothing. Regardless of what your mother said in the argument, you know this isn’t true. Parents/people fight and argue and say things that they don’t mean. Please continue to reach out to your partner. He’s there to help you and he loves you.
Keep fighting friend. We’re here for you and we love you.

Kayla

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