Struggling relationship -Infidelity

I am struggling right now. My fiancé and I have been together for over 22 years. We decided that we would get married on 8 October. Just today I found out he’s been cheating on me having phone sex with this woman from our Home state. I am heartbroken, angry and unbearably sad. We have a 15 year old daughter together how do I explain to her that we’re not getting married (she’s my maid of honor by the way). Right now he is umpiring in Myrtle Beach about four hours away. I don’t know where I’m supposed to go from here. I know that I have severe codependent issues. But I need to figure out how to make l of my own. I was completely blindsided by this as I’m sure many women say. Never in 1 million years did I think he will be the cheater. I am here I am no angel, I’ve done things in my past that I am so not proud of. But that does not negate what he did when I have been but nothing for faithful and devoted and I always put our family first. And then I find these messages I just phone and I’m broken. I started cutting again.
He keeps bringing up how I cheated and how what I did is so much worse because I actually had sex with people whereas he was only engaged in sex talk and was making plans to visit her.
Somehow we ended up where I am to blame for the problems. “We could have fixed this if you hadn’t told anyone and made me out to be the POS”
How am I to blame? How can something that happened 5-6 years ago be to blame for the current situation? I don’t see how it has all fallen on my shoulders.


It sounds a bit like my first relationship, in which the problems that would end it existed a very long time before it ended. It’s hard for a relationship to survive if one or both partners blame the other for their own behavior. Infidelity indicates a perception that “something’s missing” in a relationship. Most often, that missing thing is the thrill and passion of a new relationship. To remain committed, couples have to accept that the initial wild passions fade with time. Ideally, love, trust and contentment, grows and enough passion remains to keep the relationship going.

Nothing good comes from keeping score in a blame game. Right now, the question is, can the two of you start over with a clean slate and agreed upon terms of fidelity. If either one of you chooses to keep hanging on to the baggage of past negativity, a successful relationship isn’t likely.

That’s a troubling comment, as it suggests he’s willing to give up the relationship simply because he’s embarrassed. Maybe he said it because he was upset, and will change his mind later.

If you the two of you want to give it another try, relationship counseling is a good idea. Something needs to bring about a “relationship reset,” in which you really start listening to each other, as though getting to know one another for the first time. The fact is, you are, because both of you have changed a lot since you met. It’s easy to coast along for years, believing you know your mate well, while as you change, you grow more distant.

You are a good person. Even though you messed up years ago, you are no longer that person and you deserve a relationship based on trust. The two of you need to decide if such a relationship is possible.

I also believe you need to work with someone that can help you gain a healthy level of confidence and self-esteem.

I hope it works out, Wings

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Welcome back MMA79! It’s good to hear from you but I wish it was under better circumstances.

I’m so sorry that your relationship is falling apart. I hope that you can find a way to help your daughter understand what is happening and support her through this separation of you and your partner.

I’m not sure what else to say but I hope that everyone in your family makes it through this trying time as well as possible. You matter and I wish you all the luck :hrtlegolove:

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Hi Friend, I’m sorry that you’re in this situation, it really sucks. I know how hard ending a relationship can be and to have your daughter in the mix just makes things more complicated. I hope you both can support each other and get thru this together. Take care! ~Mystrose

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you for your post. That is quite the situation you are in there arent you. I am so sorry you have found yourself in this dreadful emotional mess but I am hoping that between you at some point you can both discuss it properly without the need to throw blame for past mistakes as that doesnt do anyone any good especially if you ever have plans to attempt to move forward. You also of course both have to consider you have a 15 year old child who is not responsible for any of this, she is at a very important age where she needs her parents to be available to her and not fighting so hopefully that will assist in deciding what is important. I hope that between you all you can find some peace and make things work in a way that each of you can be happy however that pans out and that one day some trust can be found again. I am saddened for you all. Please feel free to post here whenever you feel you need to. I wish you well. Much Love Lisalovesfeathers. x

From: sea__kay

Hey MMA79, I can only imagine how tough and heartbreaking it must be to realize that a relationship comes to an end after such a long time of 22 years. I am also very sorry for your daughter to experience her parents’ breakup at such a difficult age. I hope she’ll have a lot of support and knows that this is not her fault. Do you have loved ones who support you? If you haven’t done so already, I would like to encourage you to reach out and get some help, especially since you mentioned self-harming behaviors. It would be so helpful also for your daughter to have healthy coping skills at hand to navigate this difficult time. Be kind to yourself and make sure you’re taking time for self-care. It is so important to have breaks so that you can be there for your daughter and support her as much as you can. You’re loved. Hold fast.

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