So I’ve kind of brought this up before and it’s been some time. Mentally I’m struggling with feeling selfish. My father is quite the intense narcissist, and recently he did some pretty shady stuff to my sister and I. So over the last roughly two years I’ve encountered a ton of new trauma. So firstly my aunt got covid and was on a ventilator, during that time my Ex fiancé left and got me banned from over time. My aunt died shortly after, so I went to my home town and saw my grandma while I was there I got covid so I didn’t get to see her again when I left as I found out on my way to say goodbye. She died two days later and one day into my 14 day quarantine where I almost took my life. My nephew reached out and asked me to move in, and I put all of my bills aside to do so as my rent was about to be cut in half so I’d be able to catch up. Well I moved in a week later he moved out and left me there alone and not even on the lease, the move that was supposed to cut my rent in half increased it $400 to $1735 a month.
I spent Christmas before last all by myself, my power got shut off etc. And on new years 22’ I went to My sisters to see her and my dad. I didn’t feel welcomed in, I didn’t feel like I should be there, about 20 minutes after arrival my dad told me that my grandma changed her funeral plan because her kids never went to see her, he said that she decided to be cremated because “if they could see her when she was alive they didn’t get to see her dead” then he told me her ashes are over there on the table, there’s your grandma. That hurt, it didn’t feel fair and it felt like he was passing his pain on to us. So I left clearly upset. About 6 months later we all found out that all of her kids got $42,000 each. My dad took off from my sisters cut contact with both of us left us struggling and gambled it away. Just to give some hint of where I come from.
Now for the last 10 months I have had my girlfriend and her son living with me, she doesn’t drive, doesn’t work, and to be honest slacks on the apartment while I worked six 12 hour nights a week all through November and December, she wasn’t keeping the apartment clean and my one day off I’d spend fixing the car, cleaning the apartment, cleaning up the area for the dog and just begging for help. We’ve broken up twice in the last two weeks and I was done the last time but she convinced me to stay. And this is where I’m feeling selfish. Her my sucks and her life at her moms sucks, but I feel like I am drowning. I don’t think that I’ve resolved any of these issues because I was helping her through her own I mean I’ve been to two of her family members funerals and I missed all of mine. I’m stress eating I’ve gained 50 pounds, I’m not working out or even taking care of myself, we go shopping I carry all of the groceries, my days off I work on my car, or clean or just don’t leave the couch or my bed because I’m completely unmotivated, I lost my friends, I rarely talk to my family, and I’ve mostly lost my support system, and she’s gotten better about cleaning but I just want to come home to a clean quiet relaxing home, and all I get is screaming, whether it be Nicky screaming and crying because he doesn’t want to do something or eat something or whatever, be it one of us getting after him for smacking the dog or chasing the cats or her and I going back and forth because of some dumb issue. I feel selfish because I don’t think I want that responsibility anymore. I feel selfish sending her back, and I feel selfish for wanting time to myself, time to have friends and support and a clean space. I feel like a narcissist like I’m just like my dad. I’m broke paying insane rent and taking care of her and her son plus my dog and two cats, I’m so stressed I hardly sleep, the power bill is insane, the garbage doesn’t always get taken out I change the cat litter and clean up the dogs outdoor area, the sinks always full of dishes and cabinets are always empty then the fridge is a mess. I cook for myself everything is on me. Is it unfair of me to want to process and deal with my stuff and myself? Is it unfair for me to be free from carrying the weight of others? Is it selfish to want to be able to live a fulfilled life with friends and family, concerts and events? Is it unfair for me to not feel connected to a child that isn’t mine? I need help I’m broken and I think I rushed trying to build a family to make up for all that I’d lost but I don’t think I can handle the weight anymore.