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Struggling to keep going

I’m really struggling lately. There’s always something digging in, and I don’t know much longer I can take it. I feel neglected, unwanted and worthless beyond belief. And it feels like lockdown has just made everyone around me so much less tolerable of me. It feels like people are just “dealing” with me because they feel they have to. Whenever I try and say I’m feeling down or I’m not doing okay, I always get replies like “Call someone” and I’m at the point where I’m saying don’t tell me to call someone cause I can’t find the strength within me to do so. And it’s cost me a friend saying this. I never intended to seen ungrateful for the suggestions or for the help, it’s just, a lot of the time, repeating the phrase “Call someone” doesn’t help me. It might help others, but not me.
I’m feeling very very down today. I’ve veen thinking about suicide and self harm. And I don’t feel okay. I feel more like a burden than ever before and like I’m gonna lose everyone around me. I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting.

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Hey, Mamma… It sounds like things are hard right now. I can relate. Sometimes life is overwhelming and it’s okay to not be okay. Struggling is a part of living. There’s nothing wrong with you. I know it’s tempting to try to find some reason for the pain and the easiest thing to do is to punish yourself, but you are not worthless.

I know this is easier said than done, but try not to take it too personally when folks are a bit less tolerant than normal. Those of us who have taken this pandemic seriously have been on lockdown for over four months now (at least in the US)… Even for the most introverted of us (like me!) it’s getting to be a bit much. I can see it in my interactions with my partner… We’re both more sensitive than normal. More likely to take offense and less patient with each other. It’s not because we don’t love each other. It’s because we’re both so tired and hurting.

I can understand that it can be tough when we reach out to someone for help and it seems they just want to “pass us off” to someone else. In my experience, when someone has told me to call someone (usually my therapist) it’s because they can see I’m hurting and they don’t know how to help. The kindest thing they can do is tell me to talk to someone who can help. They tell me to call my therapist because they do want me to feel better, but they don’t know how or are mentally/emotionally unable to help me themselves.

You are not alone. There are a lot of people struggling all the time, but I think especially right now as this pandemic just drags on indefinitely. I know it’s frustrating, but it may simply be that the people closest to you are struggling so much with their own stuff right now that they just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to help you. Most likely, they love you very much, but they just cannot help right now.

Just in case your friends and family haven’t given you any specific numbers to call for help, I did a bit of Googling and found this list of suicide hotlines in the UK on the NHS website:

Hang in there, Mamma. I’m sending you lots of love. :heart:

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Thank you for coming here and sharing, mammawolf. It’s perfectly valid for you to be feeling not okay sometimes, and it should be safe for you to express that to loved ones around you as well. Sounds like those around you aren’t safe for that kind of thing right now. It can be hard to find a safe space sometimes, but I’m glad you’ve found this community to talk to right now. It can be hard to express to someone else when what they say is unhelpful without offending them - most people take their own word as gospel without considering the whole of someone else’s situation. I hope that friend comes to realize that you were not trying to call them unhelpful on the whole, just that you needed a different kind of support besides them saying call someone. This community is always here for you!

Here are a couple of resources since you don’t want to call someone, maybe texting or chatting would work?
To text a trained Crisis Counselor, text HOME 741741
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

And here’s the numbers to dial if you DO decide you want to hear a friendly voice on the line:
Suicide Lifeline in the US: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
International: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

You MATTER and it’s never too late. <3

hey there @mammawolf ,
Just want to let you know you are not alone. But also thanks for reaching out. In times like this yeah it can be hard because we try to keep ourselves as healthy as we can without catching this virus.
IMO, Just reaching out to someone can help like you are doing here. Just keep trying to reach out to people who you can trust to talk to … I bet someone responding to this is the same way you are feeling now. Just know i appreciate you and i love you for you.
Hold Fast Friend You’re worth it!
-Ashley

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