Struggling tonight more than usual

A month ago this trip looked a lot different. A month ago I planned on flying to Colorado in a short 32 hours, but now this trip changed.

No longer am I going to Colorado to see the guy I let myself fall in love with, which I now found myself regretting doing, but instead I’m just going to Virginia to see family.

Now normally I would be excited, but honestly at this point I’m just dreading it. I’m dreading being there. Because I know what this trip was supposed to be.

I honestly hate myself. It’s been a little over a week honestly since I’ve thought about him, or cried over him, but man tonight it really hit me. Tonight I realized that this vacation hurts. Because I would much rather be spending it with him.

I guess it was my mistake when I told him that I only ever wanted him to be happy. Cause he’s happy now. He’s happy that he’s got me blocked and he’s with her. But oddly enough she now has me blocked. So not only did I lose him but I also lost someone who I thought was my friend.

It’s funny how the tables turned. I remember telling him over a year ago I’d never fall in love again, and I let him be the exception. But I swear on my life and the last little bit of will to live I have I’ll never let myself fall in love again.

It’s funny how the self harm and the pills are once again the comfort to mask this pain. But man I can’t keep down this road. Either it’s going to kill me, or I’m going to kill me. Something has got to give.

Oh, Monkey. I am so sorry for this painful situation you are in. To not only lose a boyfriend, but also a friend. And in this manner to top it off. So, so sorry. You will get through this. It might be hell, but you will get through it.

I am glad that you recognize that the self harm and pills are not a healthy way to cope with this situation. Please continue to reach out. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Monkey you are not alone friend we love you if you need anything im here for you !