I know you don’t mind if I don’t respond but to be honest I am just the worst at responding, even with texting my friends or family. Its just hard for me to communicate and put into words what I’m feeling or thinking so anyway, please forgive me for my silence for the past few days. In the middle of me typing a reply to you, I keep getting distracted.
Hey, no worries. Indeed, I don’t mind! I absolutely love hearing updates from you. But I will not stand behind the computer screen just to point fingers out at you if you don’t reply. Taking what you need is all that matters, really.
As for being bad at responding, I get it. It’s probably one of the most frustrating things that my depression/anxiety takes from me. I feel like a bad person for not responding immediately - then forgetting, or thinking about it randomly but still not doing it right away. As you see… that’s what happened with my response here.
Let’s be okay with responding when we can and how we can. Once I have told to a dear friend here that we could see it as a kind of correspondence. Even if it happens online, it doesn’t have to be subjected to the rules of immediacy. It can be a lot slower. We know that we both care, and it’s all that matters. 
It’s also more than understandable to keep getting distracted while talking about things that are difficult. Whether it’s life happening or just our mind that needs to escape, it’s just what happens sometimes. Posting around here can require a lot of mental energy. It’s okay to take your time, always.
My days are such a whirlwind with work being crazy so throughout the day I can typically keep it together but at night when I don’t have to do anything or focus on anything, that’s when it really takes a toll.
Yes, work can be such a blessing but also a vicious cycle. I have started to work a limited amount of hours again and I can see that happening. Weekends are tough! Somehow it’s good to have a limited hours otherwise I feel like I would jump into the work that needs to be done mindlessly, and burn myself out once again.
You and I have this need in common, the need of escaping from ourselves by putting ourselves out there into things that are external. It’s a human way to react, but it is still for the most part a reaction, and one can’t live for their entire life outside of themselves. There is for sure, a fine balance to create during your evenings to not be completely subjected to your thoughts (it needs to be approached carefully), but also to not completely avoid it either.
I don’t know if this would speak to you, but it reminds me of the explanation of the four trauma responses by Pete Walker, for people struggling with Complex-PTSD (it refers to childhood, but actually applies to repeated traumas that stem from relationships): Link
I used to be able to take off into the woods and hike until the sun sets and usually being in nature helped to quiet the mind but lately I have like an hour after I get off work before the sun sets and its like… 5 degrees F most days here so its tough to get out, embrace the cold and hike. Just feeling lately like I don’t really have that release so instead it just gets built up and explodes.
Do you think that this could be replaced by an indoor activity during winter? With covid/lockdowns, there’s been more initiatives provided to exercise at home without needing a lot of equipment. Even online courses provided by gyms centers. Of course it’s definitely not the same as running… not the same sensations and stillness. But as for finding something to have that release, maybe it could be worth it to look after a new type of exercise, one that would be indoors?
On a side note, it might be interesting to combine your evenings with a relaxing routine. Basically, instead of going to bed and fearing that moment, you plan do before an activity that tends to be relaxing to you and not too distracting, with the intention of connecting with yourself. Kind of getting to decide that you choose to meet yourself at a given time. Of course it could still be difficult afterwards, at night, but practicing intentional meetings with yourself like these can help you regain a sense of control over time. Could it be something close to meditation, reading, listening to some music passively, stretching your body, etc. Even if it’s just for a few minutes. But at least minutes when you say: now I decide to explore within, to give my mind some free time, and to acknowledge what’s happening there.
PS - You are always welcome to send walls of text, and even more to express how you feel.
Sending love your way.
