Struggling with burnout and physical limitations

[CrystalSings]

Once again, my perennial problem is back. The weather is getting “better” and summer is approaching, which to many if not most people is a joy.

For me it’s a nightmare.

I have to start out defensive by saying I’m not lazy, I’m just burned out and traumatized knowing that I won’t be able to keep up with summer chores. Especially now that I have a second job. I need this second job in order to “earn” a living wage and be able to support myself financially in the future.

But my body and spirit are exhausted. The business of living is exhausting. I want to take time for myself to rest and eat, which are obviously essential things, but when I choose to take care of myself, things don’t get done. (And no, I can’t delegate the tasks to someone else, sadly.)

I keep thinking I should push myself more because everyone is in the same boat while I’m over here complaining about how much life sucks and is unfair. But I want to spend more time with my family while they’re still around, not making the yard pretty for other people to look at. (I’d honestly like it to look prettier, too, but for myself. I wish I could.)

I don’t sleep much these days because of my long hours at work - literally every day. I haven’t had a day off since Easter. And if I get a day off, it’s not a day of rest because I have chores to do. I have to plan outdoor time between raindrops and whether or not I think I’ll pass out while pushing a lawnmower across the grass. Not to mention the fact that I’m allergic to grass and pollen. I kick myself for falling asleep on sunny days “because that was the only time this week I had the opportunity to do yardwork”. And then when the next sunny day rolls around, I’m sick or otherwise in pain or have other responsibilities that take priority (like buying groceries).

And then come the constant reminders from people about how long the grass is and how “bad” it looks as though I’ve forgotten it was there. As if I don’t ruminate enough about the things I’m not physically able to keep up with due to my health issues and other responsibilities.

And why the hell does everybody want to attach morality to the length of grass and condition of someone’s yard? It is absolutely beyond my understanding why people think they need to go out of their way to shame, harass, and even criminalize people out of spite for the state of their yard (it’s not a safety issue, it’s just considered ugly if it’s not “perfect”). How about a little sympathy instead? And not pity or judgement? Me not being able to mow the lawn isn’t something malicious. I’m trying to not work my body to death, but if I was stronger and not such a weakling, you bet your ass I’d be out there doing more.

I’m just tired of feeling like a failure because my body isn’t “normal”. My conditions are disabling even if I’m not considered disabled.

I’m tired of being constantly reminded that I’m not perfect and that I’m not good enough and then being called stupid and lazy on top of it all.

Thank you for reading my vent. I’m going to be late for work now because I took the time to write this…

Kind advice and kind words would be appreciated, if you have them

[slimesy]

I’m sorry you’ve been struggling so much, I’m not sure how helpful I can be but I want to try and help.
I think it’s important to remember that everybody has limits and struggles, just because you feel like you’re struggling with something nobody else struggles with doesn’t mean you’re weak, it just means you’re human. It may seem hard to let yourself rest when there is work that needs to be done, but you have to remember that when you take care of yourself and give your body time to rest it will make it easier to do things later! I know it easier said than done but you need to let yourself rest so that you aren’t too tired to do things later.
I also think that since you said there’s people pointing out issues with your lawn specifically that you should tell them why you’re falling behind. Of course if it isn’t someone you trust like a friend or loved one you don’t have to tell them in detail. Something simple like: “I’ve been really busy with work lately,” or “I’ve had some issues at work/ at home,” should do fine.
If it is someone trusted like a friend or loved one I do suggest you tell them what’s been going on more detailed and specifically; even though sharing your vulnerable side with people can seem scary it can be very important for finding help. You should tell someone how you’ve been struggling, both mentally and physically, to try and get some help.
I know it’s hard but please try and remember that needing/getting help and struggling doesn’t make you weak or lesser, everybody needs some help and everybody struggles sometimes. <3

[NateTriesAgain]

Hey Crystal,

So relatable lol. We were the blemish on our HOA-driven neighborhood for the longest time. And I still struggle with many of the thoughts you’ve described here.

It’s hard to walk outside of your house and feel paranoid. Like someone (everyone) is judging you. It’s hard to look out your window and see people walking by and just FEEL their judgment. It’s like a cloud hovering over you that you try to have an umbrella for at all times, but there are moments you get soaked, and it’s exhausting. Your life is already really hard, and it’s like damn - ease up on me, okay?

What’s interesting for my experience of my own thoughts in this domain is that it’s usually not actually happening. Even if it “IS” in someone else’s mind, it’s not actually something I experience in physical reality. The judgment is something I experience in the “air”, but when I LOOK…I’m actually the only one there. I’m just judging myself.

Which…is hard to grapple with…because it feels very real. But then I digest the facts, and it’s like…damn. What that TANGIBLY means is that I am shaming myself. And I’m not ok with being “potentially critiqueable”…personally, I prefer to have my external life be like a shell where everyone likes what they look at so I can feel at peace internally even if I’m falling apart. I like to be cocooned from people potentially thinking less of me…to only come out of that cocoon when I’m ready to “perform”, to BE SEEN…I like to have control over people’s evaluation of me and only let them see the parts that feel “polished”.

So candidly, being a neighbor in an HOA-run neighborhood stretches me in this way.

Truth is I can’t always get to my lawn on time either. Four kids, life stuff, etc. And I have to settle with that. My wife likes to remind me: “we have other priorities”.

Doesn’t necessarily make it “easier”, but it’s good to have others to bounce my anxieties off of so that I can learn a new way of thinking.