Struggling with cutting and self hate 😒

Hi, i haven’t posted on here for ages but ive had such a horrible week and i remembered this forum. I feel like im constantly making mistakes and failing at everything. I have struggled with cutting since i was 13 and am now 24 and after being 6 months clean i have now relapsed multi times this week. I feel like i am a burden on my family and that my friends dont like me anymore. Im so scared of being rejected and abandoned. I have multiple chronic mental and physical illnesses and at the moment i feel exhausted as im trying so hard to recover but i can never seem to reach it complete. I dont expect anyone to answer. Idk i just hate myself so much and dont know what to do…

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Hey @GrungeGirl,

Welcome back <3

I hear you. It’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed and down, especially when dealing with a lot. You’re not alone in this, and reaching out for help is a brave step.

Those feelings of not being good enough and hating yourself are tough, but they don’t define who you are. You’re valuable and deserve support and love.

In terms of the cutting, I used to cut myself. I’ve relapsed a few times as well but have been clean for about a year now. We know that it can feel like it’s a release, and one thing that helped me was an ice cube. I used to cut on the inside of my arms or my legs so I would just take a really cold ice cube and rub it in that area. It gave me that release but didn’t cause any permanent harm. Remember, getting better takes time, and it’s okay to have setbacks. Be kind to yourself, celebrate the small wins, and don’t give up on your goals.

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Lately ive been feeling so lonely and isolated. I have borderline personality disorder and im really being affected bybthe symptoms of feeling abandoned by friends. This has triggered really bad urges that are keeping me awake all night. Its 1am. I also have anorexia and my body and self esteem is like a 0. Then this makes me hate myself more and then i self harm again. Its so frustrating its like a viscous cycle ahh

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Hey there friend, first off I just want to say thank you for being open with us here, we appreciate it and don’t take it for granted.

I am proud of you for reaching out here, and so glad that you remembered this as a place to reach out and be open.

I totally feel where you are coming from. I am going on 25, and through my life i have had struggles with self hate, and self harm. It is a really tough thing to overcome, but please know it is possible. I too have had a struggle with only seeing my mistakes or my flaws. When I would make a mistake, it would absolutely wreck me. I kind of quit my lost job because of a mistake I made. I believe I still struggle with this, I am just overly careful, or very secretive about my mistakes… which is still not healthy, and something I need to work on most definitely.

Sometimes I look back at how I was when i was in high school, or when i first moved out o Colorado. I remember how difficult of a time I had being myself, accepting my mistakes and flaws. I would always beat myself up mentally and physically when I would make mistakes. It would ruin my day, or my week. As I have been going to therapy, and going through life, I have learned to be kinder to myself. At times it is still hard, but it has gotten so much better looking back. In the moment, I understand how debilitating it can feel, it feels like things won’t get better, like they can’t, but I have learned that is not true. We will still have our bad days and moments, but we get better at accepting those moments, and not letting them hurt us.

With relapse I try to remind myself that when I relapse, that is not failure. Remember all the time that you have made it, coping in healthy ways, that is not lost. I try to accept what happened, and then go from there, just like giving it another try.

I also understand the struggles with family and friend relationships. It’s hard, but I believe most people will be understanding. I used to feel like I couldn’t talk to my parents about anything, but I have learned Ic an be pretty open with them, learning that they have had similar feelings and thoughts as to what I have had.

I deal with being tired all the time, it is something I am trying to work on with diet and whatever else I can do. I am taking it slowly but surely. The sun will rise, and we will try again.

I understand the feeling of loneliness and isolation, it is tough… I have found that may people do still enjoy their time talking with me, or hanging out with me. I try to remind myself of that, I try to reach out when I can. I am not a very social person, but it is healthy to reach out and have some people there with you.

The vicious cycle is difficult to overcome, but please know it is possible. In the moment it may not seem like it, but it does get better with time and work.

We are always here for you, to listen, or to be a shoulder to lean on.

I believe in you friend, the sun will rise and we will try again.

With love,
Lys

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Hey Grunge,
I saw this and wanted to reach out. I’m 23, so just around your age. I’m so glad you found the forum again and decided to say something. I get how you’re feeling. There’s a lot of pain and confusion in that kind of headspace. You have these people you love and care about but it feels like you’re nothing to them and that you don’t matter. I completely understand why relapsing felt right in the moment, it feels like a bit of control. You can’t control how others feel. You can’t control the pain on the inside. But if you could control pain elsewhere, it feels like a bit of control of the chaos, like it somehow makes it better. The scary thing about that kind of headspace is that it’s so easy to convince yourself that you deserve to be stuck down there in the dark and in pain. The most comforting lie the darkness can offer is that it’s safer to be alone.
But I want to remind you that the truth is that you are not a burden to people. You are loved. You have friends that care about you and want to know how you are feeling. Don’t think of your recovery as a straight progression, it takes one day at a time. It’s like the weather, sometimes the sun’s out and it’s a great day, other days are super dark and stormy, like the start of a scary story. Sometimes you’re having a great, sunny day, then a thunderstorm rolls in and your mind is turbulent with self-hate and shame. You’re not alone! You’re doing great and you have support and love reaching out to you! I hope your storm breaks and sunny skies finally roll in for you, and that you can reach out for more support! I love you and am here for you!
PenArt :purple_heart: