I’m going to be honest, I have no idea how to offer advice here. But I can certainly say I can relate. I have battled with my spirituality and relationship with God for a greater portion of my life. Being autistic has certainly not helped. As having the literal mind of an autistic has made understanding God, religion, faith and Christianity very difficult. A lot of questions and not enough solid answers to help.
I had a long talk about this with my friend the other day during our walk.
There were so many times in my life that I felt conflicted and confused. So many times where I was in the church trying to build a relationship with God, pray, do all of the right things and make the changes I felt I needed to in my life in order to be a good person and humble servant.
Along the way I became confused because of my morals and long desire to love and accept the world. I found the churches and the religions to be against the things I supported and began feeling like I was doing something wrong. My life began to feel like it was a crime. And I didn’t know how to emotionally handle it.
I guess the only advice I can offer here is the advice I put on myself. To speak to counselors (maybe both of the faith and not to see what works for you) to talk to a pastor and church leader. To other trusted Christian friends and express to them how you are feeling. I have a few really amazing Christian friends who are always ever caring, open minded and easy to talk to if I’m feeling conflicted. Granted, they don’t always have the answers I’m looking for, but I can at least trade thoughts without judgement. I don’t know if you have people like this that you can talk to, but if you do, I encourage you to reach out. Share your feelings and see if there can be progress or any kind of insightful information shared that may help you decide how you want to proceed.
It’s a hard thing to understand and apply to our lives. It can be scary and challenging. My confusion and struggle to challenges with religion and God have definitely taken a toll on my emotional health. I’ve always longed for answers and to know what’s right and to do those things. But I’ve also always longed to share my morals that don’t always align. I see a lot of good and bad in the faith and even now I still never know if I’m doing things right. If my beliefs are okay. Or if I’m messing up.
So you are not alone in that. At all.
I hope you find some peace and healing in your faith. That you find the answers that you need to help you decide how you want to move forward and live your life. And I hope that whatever you find out and decide upon that you can live happily and comfortably with your decision