I’m having a hard go at life lately and it’s starting to dismantle my marriage. I’m almost 40, moderately successful, and by all means a good husband and father.
Within the past couple years, some series of events coupled with my own inner struggles have pretty much destroyed my marriage. While it hasn’t become violent or unfaithful our marriage is as cold as it can get.
To start chronologically, at the start of 2018 my dad passed away.For a few years before he passed he and I were not close at all. We had a falling out in 2015 and we had just started to reconcile things when he died. He also died alone as everyone does but he wasn’t surrounded by family. After he passed I had to fly to where he was and handle affairs. I had to give the eulogy and fake the funk for friends and family but I never got the chance to grieve. I had to go back home and get back to work. I have a hard time forgiving myself for not rectifying things sooner.
During this time, my brother was going through a separation and later a divorce. At one time we were close but we also had fallen apart due to his transgressions and the person he was then. Ive yet to let him know the feelings I hold against him and the person he used to be. I haven’t learned to accept the person he is today, and our relationship couldn’t be further apart.
Towards the middle of 2018 my Wife went back to school. We knew it was going to be a rough road as it was going to be a financial strain as well as a scheduling strain. I’ve always been like a fullback, in that I put my head down and go to work. So I did that. My wife’s schedule up until recently had her working almost every night and school during the days. She would work overnight on weekends and sleep through the day on those weekend days. I work a 9-5. We would fit some time in but with a 5 year old it started to feel like I was a single parent.
Me being fully aware of the pressure my wife is under, I never complained. We had a couple moments of financial burden and stayed quiet trough that even though I was harboring anger. The back end of last year was pretty rough as were were having financial problems, work was overwhelming me, and that’s when I really started to feel alone. I started waking up at about 3 every morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. I still experience this problem
Also towards the end of last year my wife made some new friends from her school. I started to notice that she would be texting these friends a lot and then they started hanging out a lot. I’m not a jealous type and I believe we built a strong foundation of trust. As months of this grew I became more and more jealous.
I’ve lived where I am for ~15 years, all of my best friends don’t live where I do. We keep in contact but it isn’t daily. I dont have the same relationship with the friends I have made here. Lately it feels like I don’t have many friends at all locally.
Once Covid happened I really started to notice how much time my wife spends on her phone and it really started to bother me. Because she was with her friends at school & clinicals they started their social circle and started hanging out more. It makes sense as far as Covid safety goes but also just added to my own jealousy and loneliness.
Also with my wife’s schedule it’s became pretty typical for her to go to bed at like 8:30 or 9. I not a big fan of going to sleep that early so began a habit of her going to bed alone and me staying up until about midnight.
In the past couple months, I’ve been letting the jealousy, loneliness, and contempt of my own failures get the best of me. I’ve grown this sense that my failures are always magnified and my successes glossed over. I’ve let my sense of not having a family get the best of me even though my wife’s family has been so gracious and loving towards me. I’ve let my wife’s friendships and happiness get the best of me.
Just a few days ago someone was telling me how much of an awesome father and husband I was and 24 hours later my wife and I are having a full blown fight.
I love my family with everything I have but I’m lost and the fear of losing everything is growing. I know this is a lot but I’ve never asked for help before.
Any advice is much appreciated