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Struggling with grief and wanting to go on

Hi
I am a 54 year old Englishman that moved to Ireland 6 years ago with my wife.
My wife died on the 1st October and I am now alone and living in the countryside with no transport unvaccinated and feeling like a social outcast.
I am surprised I feel like this as I have strong spiritual beliefs but I do and this year has been horrific caring for and watching my best friend slowly die before my eyes over a 5 month period. I am tired, alone and the colour has gone from my life. She wanted me to carry on but I no longer feel strong enough to do this.

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hello there,

My deepest condolences for your loss. Caring for them then seeing them go is truly hard. I hope that you find solace and peace within you in the coming days.
Do you have anyone else in your social circle for some comfort, some chat, some distraction?

I’m glad you found our community online here. Are you part of any other stream community or online groups where you can have some connection?

Grief is a bastard, it makes the future look like one solid lump of pain. Eventually things will break apart into smaller doses of grief and pain and some light will flow back in, you do have to go through the grief process first though.

Maybe you could fins some online resources on how to deal with guilt.

You are worthy and you are important. I know when the person you’re caring for passes, it can leave a gaping hole of purpose behind, because your life was essentially so wrapped up in taking care of them. It takes a while to find a new rhythm, a new routine. Can you take some relaxing walks or sit by a water course?

Above all else, please make sure you’re resting well and eating well. Keep the body strong and healthy while the mind processes this loss.

We’re here for you, friend.
It may not feel like it now, but it does get better in time. Hold Strong.

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Hi @Nics
What you have gone through must have been unimaginably hard on you. Seeing the two closest people die… no wonder you are feeling lonely. No matter how much or what kind of spiritual are you something like that will leave a mark on you. It hurts because of how much those people meant to you.
Fighting grief is hard and it takes time. It will take a lot of it for you to fully move on if there is such a thing. Can you meet with a psychologist or if that is not something you want to do maybe some kind of spiritual leader (don’t know what kind of spiritual are you). Those people might give you some necessary guidance in these hard trying times.

Hi
Thank you for replying to me. I have one of my wife’s friends that I can go to but that is it. I have seen 3 people in 8 weeks, part of me is comfortable with that, and part not.
I always thought I would be OK with being on my own but now I am not so sure.
I grew up with my wife, she was 19 when we got married and I was 22 by a week. I have cried every day for 8 weeks, not as much as the first few weeks but I get triggered every day. My dogs and cats depend on me but I look at them and think it’s not enough for me. The current world situation does not help as it feels more limiting or isolating. Thanks again as just being heard is a comfort.

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Sorry Ashwell, I probably didn’t word it right. My wife was my best friend, I lost the one person not two. We had a true authentic relationship had some telepathy going and even shared dreams on occasions.
I know I have a life to lead and she wanted me to be happy but I can’t imagine going through this for months and months. It is not that I am looking to short cut the grief, I just don’t want to be here anymore.

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Hey @Nics,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out during such a painful time. I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife. There really is not enough words to explain how it feels to lose someone who has been part of your life for so long. As you are processing your wife’s disappearance, you are also processing the parts of yourself that left with her. Your entire world has changed and it makes sense to feel how you feel. It’s unfair to have to learn to live without the ones we love yet are gone, to learn to keep carrying that love for two.

This pain that you feel is also the reflection of your love for her. And I can tell just through your words how deep, real and vital is this love that you are holding within your heart. Your pain is heard. Your love is felt. Your tears are not vain.

As you’ve said though, she wanted you to carry on, and there is truly a lot of strength to find in that love too. She may not be here physically, but she is still here through everything you have shared together. Your life is precious, and your presence holds the legacy of her memory too. It is so hard to even start to envision a life without the person we would have given our life to. To keep on living - without forgetting, without ignoring how you feel, without rushing anything either - is something you deserve to know and experience. I have no doubt that you would want the same for her if the situation was reversed, that you would like for her to keep embracing what life has to offer, and to enjoy the time that is still given. You are not at fault for still being here, friend.

Given the world situation and the practical obstacles, I would like to encourage you to seek online counseling. Grief and losses are real traumas and learning to compose with this new reality can be really heavy if only navigated on your own. I don’t want that for you. You deserve to be supported during such a painful time. Do you think online counseling could be an option for you, or something you would be comfortable with? Just so you could have also a space on a regular basis where your pain will be heard, and where you could learn to give space to your wife in your life in a new way, one that wouldn’t prevent you to live either.

I would also like to encourage you to take it easy, as much as possible. Grief affects us both emotionally and physically, in many different ways everyday. It’s draining, overwhelming, and it’s absolutely okay to be gentle with yourself in these circumstances. You are not asked to make any effort or respond to any commitment - if you can push those away, it’s totally fine. Preserving your energy may be essential in times to come.

I know it’s hard in our world to be heard and seen when our heart is grieving so deeply. It’s hard to make people understand that yes, the world keeps turning, but it can also wait for our own seemed to have stopped. It’s okay to take your time. All the time you would need. For a long time I struggled with hopelessness after losing family members because it felt like I had no other choice but whether to crawl in pain/stop living or to move on without the person. With time, I have realized that we actually learn to live with the person, but in a different way. We learn to give them a different space. We learn to think about them differently. Some people even learn to interact with them differently. But they don’t disappear entirely. It’s all about what is meaningful to us personally, and it’s really all that matters.

I don’t want to overwhelm you with too many questions. Know that you are not alone right now. We may not know her personally nor understand the depth of your pain right now, but we are with you entirely. :hrtlegolove:

May I ask what is her name? I would love to send some good thoughts your way in honor of her memory too, if you allow me of course. No problem if it’s a big no, I would totally understand and respect that.

PS - I don’t know what are your beliefs (and you don’t have to say it), but you may eventually be familiar with the author C.S.Lewis. At some point during his life, he lost his wife to a disease, and one of his first reactions was to put his thoughts and feelings in a journal and keep track of them. After I lost my big brother to a rare disease, I’ve read that book at some point. It felt very cathartic in many aspects, and reminded me something essential: grief is messy, but this emotional mess is profoundly human. So it’s okay to feel whatever comes. Every emotion that you have is valid, and welcoming them as such is essential as you are processing it.

Here is an online lecture of it - A Grief Observed: A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis, from Project Gutenberg Canada I hope this could be healing for you as it was for me, just as a little crutch, and even just as a reminder that how you feel is valid, that you are not alone either.

I’m sending hugs your way. Thank you for the gift of your presence and vulnerability today. :hrtlegolove:

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Micro
Thank you for your very kind words regarding my wife. Her name was Marie and she has left a gaping big hole in my heart. It hurts that I am struggling to look at videos or photos still as I want to remember her and the memories, every time I do I lose it though.
Spiritually I believe that we are souls incarnating in a physical body to learn and evolve, and that we have probably had many incarnations doing this. The grief part kicking in seems to overide my beliefs and is almost unstoppable, I didn’t think I would feel it this deeply.
I have an open heart though so maybe I just can’t stop it. I am not familiar with the author but will check it out. I used to write a lot of poetry when a teenager going through difficult times, I stopped when I got married. I am writing again now as I find it gets out the emotion as it is a good vehicle for doing so. I am glad that I found this site, it is such a good idea, especially in these challenging times where the whole world is suffering. Thank you

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Hi Nics,
I am so very sorry for your loss and I am so grateful that you have found us here. I really cannot imagine the pain that you have and continue to have from losing both your best friend and then you wife. You a promise to carry on to the best of your ability with strength but it must be beyond difficult and at times feel impossible. I think the most spiritual person ever would be tested by what you have had to contend with recently on top of covid, that in itself has tested people immensly.
I truly am so very sorry that you are feeling this pain and lonliness and I was wondering if as you have found this site if you would like to have a link to the live Heart support streams and discord. Certain times of the week we have streamers online and some of us are there and we are in live chat and we talk about all sorts of things depending on how people are feeling, its a wonderful community of people and the streamers are all lovely, Discord is good too its a place to go if you are having a bad time and you could do with talking in that moment, there is normally someone there who can chat with you. I will give you the links at the bottom if you want to give it a try, If you dont think its for you, thats fine too. Its just another option. In the meantime please stay with us and I hope that coming here has helped you a bit, it cant take away your pain but I hope you feel you have found some friends.
Much Love
Lisa :heart:

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Hi Lisa

Thank you very much for your comments, I am glad I found this site, I kind of stumbled across it but am glad I did.
I would be happy to chat via Discord although I have only used it a couple of times via my son. I will have a loo and see if I can get used to how it works.
Thank you

Greg

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Hi @Nics You’ve already received so much loving support, but I just wanted to welcome you and tell you that I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much pain and grief. I think most of us have lost someone we love and can relate to the feelings you’re having in some sense. We all grieve in our own ways, so I hope you can find a healthy way and be ok. :hrtlegolove:

We are here for you.

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Thank you Lizzy. I am feeling a very good vibe here and I have been very lonely, just being able to talk a bit does make a huge difference. I was spoilt in terms of having a partner for so long and never knew how it felt to be alone until now. Being here alone with so many triggers has compounded it, but I can’t bring myself to change anything right now. I am hoping I can bring something to help others as I have a lot of life experiences over the years, I would like to give something back.

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Grieving is wired i know im also grieving for my sister but there no process to grief. I use to be really religious before my sister passed away my youth pastor always say you’re healing is a process but you’re break through is coming. Something like that i dont remember how it went but it went something like that. You gotta think better for yourself and her just think about how she must feel about you being sad during this time.

Just know you are loved and we are here for you.

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Hi Hannah
Thank you very much and so sorry to hear about your sister. You have hit the nail on the head, I thought I would be much stronger than I am doing, but it seems automatic at times.

I like you have been told that this is a process and I will come out of it with almost like a great spiritual gift. Well I can say I have learned more compassion and understanding that’s for sure. I have lost quite a few people that were close to me, but was not prepared for the pain of losing my wife.
I still believe personally that Earth is like a school for souls to learn and evolve and that we inbetween lives agree on certain things playing out, but we have free will. I beat myself up because I could not save my wife, deep down I realise I never would have been able to.
I do hope Hannah that things get better for you soon and I believe this is a place whereby people can help each other. Thank you again.

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I’m glad you feel comfortable here. I hope you join the Discord (Lisa gave the link above in her post) and get involved. We’d love to get to know you. We are the same age, so I can tell you that you would enjoy the lovely people and events we have. We also have a Twitch channel were our awesome content creators live stream. We all go hang out and support each other. We’d love to have you join us!

The link is in Lisa’s post too for it. If you need help with any of this, let us know!

Thank you so much for your response(s), @Nics. So very glad you’ve decided to reach out as well.

t hurts that I am struggling to look at videos or photos still as I want to remember her and the memories, every time I do I lose it though.

It’s really hard to look at pictures again, even videos. Almost four years after losing my brother, I still am unable to look at pictures without crying. I’ve avoided looking at them for a long time. Now, it happens that I can look at some and remember good memories too. It’s just one of the most direct reminders at all. It’s okay if you react that way. there really isn’t any good or bad way to proceed. Make sure to take your time. To welcome the emotions that may appear too, just as they are. Just make sure to always do it with the intention of staying safe and being kind ot your heart. <3

Spiritually I believe that we are souls incarnating in a physical body to learn and evolve, and that we have probably had many incarnations doing this. The grief part kicking in seems to overide my beliefs and is almost unstoppable, I didn’t think I would feel it this deeply.

Grief shakes our deepest beliefs. And each loss is different, as each relationship is unique. It can raise so many questions, make us rewrite our own story and wonder “what if”. I personally believe in God and it has been the recipient of a lot of anger. Asking “why” all the time as if I was punching on the chest of someone, knowing that there wouldn’t be any answer given to me suddenly. There are so many layers in grief. Our spirituality can be part of it too. It evolves with us and our life experiences.

I used to write a lot of poetry when a teenager going through difficult times, I stopped when I got married. I am writing again now as I find it gets out the emotion as it is a good vehicle for doing so.

Words have a special kind of magic, haven’t they? I’m so glad you can use this outlet. It is incredibly powerful. I hope you allow yourself to just let it out without restriction, to remain curious without any judgment. What’s happening within your heart is very real, and very true.

Sending friendly thoughts your way. I hope you manage to rest this week-end. Marie and you are in my thoughts. :sunflower:

Dear friend, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what your going through, but I’ve felt the sting of loss myself, so I can relate a little bit. I believe in you. I’m sorry this is happening, but I want you to know you’re not alone. I’m here if you ever want to chat.
Hold fast.
Dan

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Hello Dan
Thank you for your kind message, it is very much appreciated today. I woke up today and have not stopped crying, I don’t know why but today is like the first week after she had passed. I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t want to be here. I rang the Samaritans today, the first time I ever felt the need to do so.
I have kept myself really busy but just can’t stop the tears, I am empathic so I guess it is hurting me a bit too much.

My dogs and cats rely on me but I feel guilty because I am seeing them as a bind at the moment, hopefully this is just a wobble.

Thanks again Dan.

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Hey @Nics,

Just sending a reply as I wanted to check in on you. Are you holding up? I hope you keep staying safe and reaching out, whether it is here, to your loved ones and even the Samaritans when/if that is needed. It was really strong of you to call them, by the way. It was the right thing to do.

PS - As you have joined the Discord server , feel free to reach out to a mod there in case you need a bit of guidance regarding how to use the server/Discord. As to connect a little more with the rest of the community, I would echo Lisa and Mystrose by inviting you to come hang out with us during the live streams on Twitch, even if it’s just to lurk silently. Sometimes it helps a bit to even just have some noise in the background and listen to the ongoing conversations.

We would love seeing you there and keep sharing life with you. No pressure though. Always do things just as you can and want. You are not alone. :hrtlegolove:

Hello Micro.

I just want to thank you for checking in on me, I am doing better. I have gone inwards for a couple of days and meditated for several hours a day, that has helped balance me.
I have started writing my thoughts down as well, the good and the bad on top of the poems which were another outlet. I really don’t like the grief but I am using it’s energy right now into trying to create positive outcomes.
I went from extraordinary happiness to heartbreak and grief really quickly, I don’t like the feeling I have so am moving out of it as best I can.
I think calling the Samaritans was probably the lowest point for me as the early weeks are just a blur, I want to reclaim my happiness now. I don’t have a plan just the desire to live again and find my purpose in still being here.
I will check out the Discord link again, it would be good to chat in real time.

Thank you again.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Nics It’s been a few weeks since you posted and neither you or your story has been forgotten. I am checking in to see how you are feeling. I do understand that grief is a long term and very difficult process, and each day can feel different. Have you managed to get your vaccinations yet so you can get out at least and even if you don’t feel up to being too social it would be nice to be able to at least see other humans or wildlife and not feel so trapped? I often wonder how you are feeling, and I truly hope that you are managing ok. My thoughts are with you as they have been since you first posted. Much Love Lisa. x

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