I had a bad long term relationship for over a year and a half that ended in a mess. It’s been almost 6 months since it ended and I can pretty confidently say I’m over the girl. I still have moments where the emotional abuse and hardships get to me though.
The end of that relationship seems to have created way more anxiety with relationships than I have dealt with in the past, but in a confusing way.
After that relationship ended I tried to go on a few dates and even had some self destructive hookups, but I didn’t feel anything. I eventually got bored of mindless internet dating and decided I didn’t want to date anymore until I found someone who I would want to be serious with.
This happened sooner than I thought and I became interested in a coworker. I definitely wasn’t interested for sex, I actually liked her and wanted a deep emotional connection. She expressed she had the same interest and we decided we should take things slow but wanted something with each other. For weeks things went really well, but I started to develop really strong feelings and with that came intense waves of anxiety. There weren’t even any problems to cause it, I just started to feel this horrible feeling in my chest. I couldn’t figure out if I was having fear of commitment or this was some weird version of butterflies in my stomach.
I did my best to hide and suppress my anxiety and we started to become more emotionally and physically intimate (not sexually). This comfort was something I hadn’t felt for a while, probably since the beginning of my last relationship, and my feelings became greater. But my anxiety was still there and bad.
Unfortunately she ended up telling she wasn’t ready for a relationship. She said it was for her own reasons dealing with a past relationship of hers and such. I still probably was a factor in it but I can’t say for sure. There’s nothing more I could do because she knew I felt.
I will rarely fight for someone because of my experience with past relationships. I have fought too hard for people who didn’t care nearly as much about me as I did and it’s not worth trying for someone who is not interested in you.
Right now the anxiety is there but not as great and in waves. I mostly feel immense loneliness and I crave that intimacy and feeling of being loved. I don’t know if I should try again with relationships or if I’ll be ready anytime soon. As much as I’d like to… I feel like I can deal with the anxiety alright but being lonely is very difficult, especially when you go from talking to someone every day to not. I feel like I can’t talk to my friends about this and most them are busy so I won’t be able to see them much over the next few weeks anyways. It’s hard feeling unloved and like there’s no one there. Any words of encouragement and wisdom for dealing with these feelings I’m struggling with would be much appreciated.