Struggling with physical pain

I’ve tried to compose this post so many times but before I’m done, I start to feel ashamed that I’m complaining, and delete it.

I have been struggling with my physical health big time.

I’m in a lot of pain lately and it’s been extremely difficult to walk and get around. I need to have surgery on my foot because a tendon has deteriorated from arthritis. I will have to have it repaired and that means screws and 6 months of recovery where for 3 of those months I won’t even be able to put weight on it. This scares me.

I was supposed to wait until my partner is healed from his shoulder replacement surgery, he had over a year ago. When they opened him up, they found a birth defect that needed to be corrected, so his recovery has been slow.

Now, my son is getting married in Sept and if I go in for surgery now, I’ll still be recovering when the wedding comes, and it will make things harder for me and everyone else. So, I decided to wait till after.

I’m really struggling with accepting the fact that I need help. The other day, we went to Costco and after looking at the electric scooters they have for people who need help shopping, I decided to not use one. My reasoning was that someone else might need it more and, using one means that I’m admitting that I need help and my pride is getting in the way. By the time we were done shopping, I was in tears because the pain was so bad. I had a half hour drive home and holding the accelerator down the whole time was so painful. My partner isn’t cleared for driving yet, so I have been driving.

Then, there is the issue of my partner. I am afraid that he won’t be able to handle things that need to be done around the house while I’m recovering because of his sever learning disability that affects his short-term memory. I have to help him with pretty much everything from self-care to remembering how to do certain tasks that most people can do without even thinking about. I have a plan to start “training” him months before my surgery, so hopefully that will help him, but this has been something I have been very concerned about. I have to show him how to do things over and over.

I’m not sure if I can handle this pain for very much longer and my brain keeps going to dark places. It’s distressing and hard to deal with. I struggle with feelings of resentment because I feel like I have always been last when it comes to being able to take care of myself. Like my health care comes after everyone else. When I was married, my ex-husband was financially abusive, and I wasn’t allowed to go to the dentist until I was either in excruciating pain or my tooth was rotting. I don’t have any upper teeth now because of that. They are too expensive to fix, so they just get pulled. Now, I have to wait for surgery because of other people being first. It sucks and it’s not fair and it makes me feel like I don’t matter.

Yes, I could have had this fixed years ago, but I’m not very good at taking care of myself because I was taught to always put myself last and my mental health tells me that I’m not worthy of being healthy as well. So, there was always an excuse to put it off.

I don’t really know what to do with all this.


I absolutely hate that you were conditioned not to put your needs first.
When I was reading the first part I also thought “oh’ I wonder if a scooter would help”!
The way I see it with big products like that is the manufacturers don’t secretly care who buys them, as long as they are being bought! Sure they design them with the purpose of those who need them in mind, and you are someone who does need one by the sounds, but at the end of the day, they aren’t running a check list and will keep manufacturing if they keep selling.

That is such a hard decision to make having to hold off that surgery. What does tour doctor say about pain management? Perhaps it could be a good exercise for you and your partner to start seeing what little reminders work for him when you need that extra help?
If alarms or notes around the house.
For me for some reason I remember things if I write them down, or at least I remember there is something to remember. If it’s not written down it’s like it doesnt exist.


Thanks @ManekiNeko :hrtlegolove: I wasn’t there to buy a scooter, but the store has them for people who need help shopping in their store. I just didn’t want to take from anyone who might need it and it was hard picturing myself get on it. When we were done shopping, I wish I had used it and my partner told me that next time he insist that I use it.

I haven’t seen a doctor about my foot in a long time. I’ll probably do that closer to the wedding because I really don’t think there is anything they can do for me now.

My partner and I talked and I’m going to start having him do some things to get used to them. I will for sure have notes on things like the washing machine etc so it’s just easier for both of us. I just don’t want him to be stressed out.


i’ll keep this short and sweet – you are deserving of any support and assistance that makes your day easier, and your pain more tolerable.

Putting others first cannot be at the expense of ourselves. And you weren’t moving in to the store, you would use the scooter, get your business done and be in and out. Certainly not causing any backlog of people wanting/needing to use it! I hope you make use of the available facilities next time because that’s what they’re there for! they are already bought and paid for by the company, so free use!
No need to sacrifice for a mythical “other” – It’s like saying you won’t use a bathroom just because someone else may need to use it too!

But on a serious note, yes there are many factors to consider as to the timing. And yes, you will have to create some guides for your partner to help things go smoothly. Like making it a game, etc.

we’re all here for you. This was a brave post to share. I hope you can squeeze in a doctor’s visit too, just to see if there’s any new development, etc.
you matter :slight_smile: hope you do hop on to that scooter next time!


Rosie, It hard to read that you feel shame at needing support from the very community you help so much. You are just as deserving of support, love, understanding, and care as anyone else. It also hurts my heart that you were made to feel that you can’t make your health more of a priority. And it’s from this viewpoint that I say the following: YOU MATTER. You really matter. I know this was really hard to write and share, and I’m proud of you for doing so. Thank you.

I understand how hard it is to admit that you do need the help. Been there done that. You are independent, you are the caregiver, not the care receiver. I fully get and understand that. But sometimes life puts us in that place of needing someone else to help us. It’s a humbling experience to be sure. But you deserve to get that foot taken care of before it decides to give out all together. You deserve to enjoy your son’s wedding, to dance with him in some way. To smile and really mean the smile, not just a smile through incredible pain. Fear of what could be if you take care of that foot is scary for sure. Better the enemy you know kind of thing. But what if you do go to the doctor very soon and have it looked at. Have a talk with them about what you can do to feel better until after the wedding? What are the options? There are new treatments, meds, devices and surgeries being developed regularly. Think about it.

By the way, I’m much more likely to notice the person hobbling and crying through Costco and wonder why they didn’t grab the scooter to use than I would notice a scooter user in the first place. Just saying. I want you to know that you are loved no matter how you proceed with caring for you, but you really do matter and it would be wonderful to see you put yourself at the top of your list on this thing. Love you.


@Sita and @Mamadien

Thank you for your words of encouragement dear friends. Since I posted yesterday, I’ve been really thinking about all this. If I read a post like mine, I would reply the same way you guys did. I would say they were deserving and that they mattered. I would talk about the need for that person to get to the doctor now and not wait. It all makes sense and it should be easy for me to just realize these things for myself right?

It’s not easy at all. We went to the store today and I had a panic attack when I looked at the scooters and realized that I needed someone to come help me. The scooters were all plugged in charging and I didn’t know what to do since it was my first time. I’m a mess.

I have decided that I need to get it looked at now instead of waiting tho. I just have to find the courage to make the appointment now.


It sounds like you’ve put on a new set of self-caring glasses since your post… And i like that!!

The scooter was plugged in, huh. Sounds like most of us would need some help to get them off safely before we started vrooming around!

Keep being good to yourself - youre 100% worth it like Loreal says hehe!


Costco makes sure, based on lengthy data collection, that there are enough scooters to go around. Talk to the person who’s checking cards at the entrance and they’ll call someone over to help you get going on the scooter.

Has your doctor hooked you up with a handicapped tag for your car?

I’m glad you decided to get your foot looked at right away. Putting it off could make matters worse. A lot of people put up with pain, and in many cases, there’s no choice, but even then medical help can help reduce it. Pain causes stress, which in turn affects multiple body functions, so it’s best to do what you can for it rather than ignore it.

When taking an airplane flight, the pre-flight instructions include something to the effect, “in the event of depressurization, oxygen masks will automatically come down. Be sure to put your own mask on before helping anyone else with theirs.” The reasoning is that a passenger who tries to help another person with their mask first may pass out before succeeding. Then both of the passengers are without oxygen.

Self-care is like putting your own mask on first. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to help others.

It’s best to do it quickly, as the more time you spend hesitating, the more difficult it will be to do it.

I can’t help but wonder if there’s a prosthetic available that can stabilize and protect your foot.

I don’t know what kind of insurance or financial situation you’re in, but it sounds like you could use some help around the house. If you go to the hospital for surgery, check with the social worker to find out if there are any volunteers or agencies that can help you out.

Please keep in touch and let us try and support you as well as you’ve supported others here.