Struggling with relationships Pt 2

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Hi again, I need alternative views. So relationship has been going okay, sometimes it gets rocky but that’s fine too.

So I’ll start from yesterday, I was on my leave and I did say im kinda tired and wanted to take a break. She kinda I would say pressured me into going out with her but I want to make it explicitly clear that I chose to go out. So anyway we went but I was legitimately just tired mentally. I showed little intrest in the things she talked about but honestly felt it was so boring. Honesty, I prob should have come up with things i felt intrest in but like I said I was mentally dead. So dinner time , she broke down said that she felt bad for guilt tripping me to go out with her, now I feel bad as well. I think we continued the bad mood throughout the date and it bascially ended badly. So ur thoughts on this event and honestly my hindsight opinion is that i should have just stayed home to recover mentally and not feel even shittier today.

Anyway, we did resolve the misunderstanding today even further, but honestly my mental state rn is pretty bad still, I told her i feel lonely rn that we might not work out that everyone is too busy with their own lives which honestly all facts. All she told me is not to be negative look at the bright side. I told her I just want to be heard multiple times, sometimes I call suicide hotlines not cuz I want to end my life but to be heard. Being heard is so important to me cuz I understand it’s what keeps me alive.

I know she’s trying to help , she started suggesting coloring apps to fill my time to calm me down. She tells me she is battling her demons too . One of them being she just went through a minor surgery 3 weeks back and still recovering and honestly I understand shes stressed by it. The other being the monetary loss from the long term leave.

I kept telling her I want to be heard, I just want to be heard, she continue suggesting keeping a diary, she didnt get my message or maybe she didnt want to so I had to tell her directly I just want a call, a simple phone call. I dont even care if its 3 mins , I just need someone to talk to.

She feels like texting is talking ald, this has been an ongoing issue between us, I told her texting you can never feel emotions and its true, this is why I like phone calls, but shes so stubborn about it, she doesnt like it cuz of the awkward silences . We did settle simply on voice messages that Whatsapp has as a feature and Im okay with that. but today not even that.

She says shes not in the mood for phone calls rn. She doesnt even feel like going to hostpital for follow up. She says she doesnt want her emotions to affect me thats why she insist on not calling me. She keeps me out of her battles with her demons cuz I dont cause them. She says her head is so chaotic rn she might not be logical. The diffrence is that I want to battle our demons together. Is that impratical? Are our demons really only our own? How are we a couple if we cant fight them together? She is so fiercely independent, it scares me.

Im not asking if we will work out or not, I just hope to hear stories from everyone, if you’ve ever had a relationship that you dont feel supported in the way that you want to be supported, Or what do you do if both of you are going through issues with your personal mental state. Or how if you were in relationship where ur way of showing love is different.

I feel like im being the asshole here, I know shes not in a good state rn, but a 5 min phone call is tough for her, im not sure anymore. I feel more support from the food stall hawker who had a 5 min convo than I did from my own gf.

Am I overreacting? She cares for me in her own way, loves me in her own way. but is our love language that different?

Anyway anymore than this and ill start ranting so keeping it short.

P.s. She just checked up on me if im feeling better, still thorough messages tho. Also I hope it’s not weird that im using this message board for relationship advice

P.s.s Anyone ever been in a relationship with someone you found super boring. What did you do to change things? How did it work out?

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Great questions! So good you’re being so open and expressing your feelings in the relationship! I can only answer from my perspective obviously and hopefully there will be others to tell you theirs so you can sort of get a feel of what feels right or connects to you!

So I have also found that when you’re not in a good mental space it’s insanely hard to find interest in being out and social. It’s hard to engage and have small talk or conversations because what your mind needs is to be at rest and switch off. Neither of you should feel bad about the situation, it’s just a matter of compromise. She wanted to go out, so perhaps a solution could be something from either rescheduling the date or doing something more intimate like stay at home and watch a movie with take away.

The thing about relationships that can get tricky is where to draw boundaries. Yes you want to be in the fight together and ensure each other are being heard, respected and valued, but there’s a point where you can’t start treating your partner like a therapist. The reason being is that there does need to be equal footing. Yes, it’s absolutely okay to talk and discuss what’s going on, but sometimes there needs to be an outside lifeline to help be the sounding board and guide you through those thoughts and feelings.
Everyone has varying degrees of how much they can handle in terms of supporting someone else and when it feels like it’s solely you doing the supporting it can either drive people to shut down or explode.
You do deserve to be heard and have your needs met 100%! She deserves space to be able to have her needs met and not feel too pressured by too much to deal with.
So have you considered counselling or even couples counselling?

I don’t think you’re overreacting, you’re someone who likes to express themselves and talk things out and that’s healing for you, she may be someone like myself who needs time to just regroup and figure out what the next move is. There are always ways to be able to discuss what you both need and how you’re going to approach that in future.

Here’s an example- someone I care about sometimes gets insecure and tells me they love me over and over. Multiple times in a conversation and it really does shit me. I end up getting annoyed by the interruption and repetition “I heard you! Stop!”. So we had to stop and open up the discussion…
They ended up telling me they’re saying it because they’re wanting to hear the same back and need to know I care about them.
I ended up telling them to me it’s frustrating because the repetition makes me feel like they’re not listening to the current subject and are just trying to fill in the gaps with something to say.
So we agree, when they start doing it I acknowledge they need to know that I care about them and then I can say “I do care about you too, but for now can you stop saying it”.

Does that make sense?
It’s just being able to find the boundaries of what you both need and being able to compromise on those.

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From: twixremix

hey friend,

thank you for opening up about your relationship and allowing us in to provide any support possible. i assure you that you are heard here. i’m wishing your partner a good recovery as it continues on, any degree of surgery is exhausting both mentally and physically. i think in any relationship, there needs to be a solid foundation of trust and respect for what the other is going through and what the other needs. is there a middle-ground y’all can agree on to both support each other while also providing a good amount of space? i think you need to allow some space so that you can both come out of these independent battles with your demons as stronger people. fighting those demons primarily alone is the best option because even if a break-up occurs, all that progress is your own… by leaning solely on another person to find strength within yourself will have that person taking a majority of that strength with them if they leave. i do hope though that you can talk to her more soon in a way that is comfortable for the both of you. relationships are a partnership so i wish you both the best in working together to find the middle-ground. i believe in you both to be stronger both as individuals and as a couple!

love,
twix

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, friend! I’m sorry your relationship is going through some difficult times right now. I unfortunately do not have much personal experience with things like this but I have some thoughts anyway.

It is admirable of you to want to be there to support your girlfriend with her mental health and everything but if she wants to keep that part of her life away from you then I think the best thing for both of you and for the relationship is to respect her boundaries. Feel free to let her know that you are there if and when she ever wants to talk about it but accept that it may never happen.

It honestly sounds like you could do with a few more friends in your life who you can depend on for support when your girlfriend isn’t feeling in the mood for communication the way you want. Have you ever watched HeartSupport’s streams on Twitch? You can have some wonderful conversations with people in the stream chats and find some really supportive people to talk to.

I hope things can improve between the two of you and you can find the support you desire and deserve :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you for your post, it seems like a very complicated yet straightforward situation you have there. When it comes to you both having issues it really is better to probably deal with them on and individual basis even in a relationship, its hard enough being a couple without taking on your partners problems especially if you don’t have to and you don’t have to. It sounds like you need a lot more time and energy from your girlfriend than she needs from you and that again is something that is learned as you get to know eachother and it may mean compromise is the order of the day and if not maybe its time for you to look for more conversation elsewhere, there are lots of place like heartsupport for instance that you can find places to have good conversation, it may not be the same as with your gf but it will give her the space she wants, keep the relationship alive and give you what you want too. Which brings me to the suicide helpline, just to mention, they are really for people that are suicidal so if you want to come to discord heartsupport when you need to talk instead that would be cool. I wish you all the best. Much Love Lisa. x

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