Struggling with self image after what happened last year... Cw: Suicidal thoughts

A month ago it felt like thing got better but I suppose the rollercoaster that are human emotions is getting to me lately again. I started feeling a little lonely because my best friend has been busy and worried with some stuff, so we’re not talking as often as we used to for now.
So I told my therapist about it, but she keeps telling me I can’t do anything about it, but I KNOW I can’t I’m just now complaining cuz it’s been a little uncomfortable, it’s not like I can’t handle that, and I did talk about it to my best friend and they’ve been not-so-out-of-touch lately, so that’s good. But the more I thought about how “I can’t do anything” brought me back to last year and how I literally couldn’t do anything and became this insistent ball of toxicness that I never want to be again because it was wrong and I hate it and I hate myself for not being able to control my feelings and etc
I ended up sending my story to an aita style site thing, and mostly got told I’m the asshole bc what I did was wrong, but some BPD folks were also being very kind and some were worried. I eventually got the post taken down but since then I haven’t been able to recover because I sometimes don’t think things are getting easier.
I do believe the environment I’m in doesn’t help my (possible) BPD, and I feel like I should be trying to understand it better but every time I try it’s extremely triggering and I think about how I lost one of the most important people in my life for being a horrible monster, and I don’t feel like I deserve to be kind to myself because I was the worst in the whole situation, and I think about how I will die alone because she wasn’t willing to stay before all of that so not even in my best can I be loved enough to not be abandoned I suppose.
So I keep going back to I should’ve died, and it hasn’t evolved to a “I should kill myself” just yet but it feels like it might.
I haven’t been taking pills since december because I’m scared of ever hurting myself again. But I don’t know if I should’ve stopped.
And it’s not like I haven’t been busy to get my mind off this topic, it’s just been harder to not think about it lately. I really feel like I shouldn’t exist because I said horrible stuff to someone I genuinely cared about.
How can I believe I can someday find someone else who will accept my past and love me in the future? I simply can’t.
And I feel like that thought process is wrong, but I sometimes can’t see myself past my mistakes.

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Hi @Mtelltaleheart,

Thanks for expressing your concerns! My sister has BPD so I totally understand how you feel. She gets super emotional and tries to kill her myself multiple attempts. Sometimes I listen to her and support her. I do ask her a few questions. Is that worth to be mad or upset about? What are things you like about yourself such as traits? I compliment her because she is kind of cool and funny. I loved my sister and BPD might be hard to face. I helped her no matter what. I told her look you may feel like a monster but you are still alive and made some progress with your life. Who cares if someone judges you? It’s their problem but not yours. There always going to be haters in this world but ignore them. If pills don’t help, I recommend not taking them because it made your mental health worse.

Mistakes are normal for people to make every single day. Sometimes I messed up but I laughed at myself and moved it on. At least, that you are aware of your mistakes and try to become improve from there. I believed there will be a person that loves you. Your partner has to be mentally strong to handle a person with BPD. There is nothing wrong having BPD. I feel BPD people want to be loved and be supported.

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Sorry fo rthe late reply, things have been hectic lately. I did read your comment on time and I keep thinking about how there’s nothing wrong with having BPD. It has helped a lot, especially because, well, I don’t believe it’s 100% my fault people have hurt me and I’ve become wary of abandonment you know?
It is true, at least from my part, I do want to be loved and supported, and I have the luck of having great friends who love me. So, if they can, I believe there must still be someone who’s strong enough and willing to love me as their partner.
Thank you for your kind words, really, your sister is very lucky to have such a kind person by her side <3