I’ve been struggling significantly with lack of self worth and being insecure. I’m a 22-year-old Black bisexual nonbinary person with a lot of self-hatred. I’ve always been introverted, shy, and never had any self-confidence. I’ve been trying to improve with socializing but find it exhausting. I always feel like I’m performing, even when I’m trying to “be myself.” This also makes my dysphoria worse.
I’m AMAB and present masculine. Other people seeing me as a cis man creates so much dysphoria and disgust against myself, especially when it comes to my sexuality. Though I’m attracted to men/masc people, my dysphoria makes me ashamed of my attraction to women/femmes. I’ve never spoken about my attraction to men to anyone in real life except for friends.
I aspire so much to present as femme, but the road to getting there feels extremely distant and unattainable. I refuse to talk about any of this to my family as we’ve never had these conversations, they are Catholic, and they’ve already shown disapproval to me wearing eyeliner.
I hate being curious about sex, for the above reasons but also being ugly and undesirable on top of all of that, as it all makes me feel gross and ashamed. I’ve never flirted or been flirted with, never dated anyone, and despite wanting a relationship, I know I’m not even in the mental place to be in one.
I lack any self-esteem and confidence to put myself out there in real life, and being ugly doesn’t help. I’ve been buying some femme fashion and products but I can never really wear anything outwardly femme at work or at home as I’d have to deal with questions and disapproval from my family, and that terrifies me. Currently working on myself through drawing, writing, reading, exercising, being there for my friends, etc. but the self-hatred is still there.
I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t like being me. I try to ignore these emotions but I can’t. I don’t know how to accept compliments and I don’t really have any redeeming qualities. I’ve had some feelings of passive suicidal ideation and self-harm but have never gone there yet.