Struggling with suicidal ideation

Recently I’ve been seriously considering ending my own life.

I’ve come to the realization that at the rate I’m going I’m not going to amount to anything in life. I’m a high school dropout, who has no friends and is too scared to leave their own house at this point.
I didn’t technically drop out of high school but I stopped going to public school due to my ex boyfriend threatening to physically and sexually assault me, which was obviously very scary for me.

I’ve been thinking about getting a job since if I’m not doing school I should at least get a job; maybe if I get a job it’ll be a way to make some friends and give me something to do to distract myself from the miserable state of my life.
I’m worried I won’t be able to hold a job if I get one, due to the anxiety of running into my ex(I still live in the same town as him), as well as the fact with my mdd severe depression spells will make me not feel like getting out of bed for days/weeks at a time and it’ll cost me my job.

I’m in a pretty bad situation with being too depressed to do my online schooling, too scared to return to public school, and too anxious to actually get a job. I feel like the fact all I do is lay in my room all day, not doing anything to contribute just makes me a burden on my family. My dad tells me all the time that I cost him so much money but don’t do anything to deserve it.
If my family sees me as a burden, I’m not going anywhere with my life, and I have no friends what’s even the point of living.

I know that if I died my family would miss me but grief is temporary and in the long run their lives would be much easier without me.

I don’t want to die but I feel like I’m running out of options of ways to fix myself, everything I try to make me feel better and my brain work better doesn’t work and I’m out of options.

Idk this is probably all over the place I started crying while writing this and had to take a break so I could actually think… Lol

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hey babes! i know partly what you are going through. I too, have been considering this for quite some time. In life, sometimes we reach an equilibrium point. A point where we are unsure of what our purpose or meaning in life is. You’ve been through so many things, and the fact you’ve held on to this point in time its truly amazing, and you are so so strong for that. Grief can be temporary in a physical aspect. Your parents might cry for a few days, but the mentality of that grief will remain with them for the duration of the rest of their life. My cousin was an immigrant student, who left China to seek education in Canada. Her grades were not the best, and my mom was terribly frustrated with what she should do with her. My mom thought she was simply lazy, but in reality she had a brain tumor which nobody was aware of. She ended her life last May after not being able to live up to my mothers standards. That grief is still inside me, and although I don’t cry about it as much anymore, it hurts more then ever thinking about how I could’ve tried to understand her. In a way, I believe that is how your family will feel. You are NEVER a burden. I need to make that clear. God brought you into this Earth for a reason. I know this seems more then a “hurdle” or “bump” in your life, but think of it. How would life be if you were able to overcome these suicidal thoughts and depression spells? How would life be if you didn’t need to worry about your ex? You are so strong for getting this far. But you said it yourself right? You don’t want to truly end your life. There are other ways around it, and I’m not talking about self-harm. Is there any activities you love? Or things you know you used to enjoy that you could rekindle with? Perhaps you could try that. Or maybe consider going for a small walk in just your neighbourhood area in the morning or afternoon. Perhaps that may give you a small bit of motivation to get out of bed. I know also how you have uncertainties and doubts about running into someone who caused you a great deal of trauma at a job. In full honesty, you will never know until you try. Try to make that first change by applying for a job and seeing how it goes. All these fears you have are completely understandable, but a small change goes a long way. You are truly loved, more then anything else. Your family loves you, and their love isn’t conditional. If they see you as a burden because of several traumatic experiences which have impact your life, then they don’t deserve to be called parents. Parents are there not only at your highs, but also your lows. You are loved, and you deserve to be loved. Ending your life should never be considered an option, no matter the circumstance. Don’t do that to yourself and people who love you. You don’t need to fix yourself, you just need to find how to bring back the pieces you lost to the trauma you experienced. Take all the time you need to figure things out, there are multiple opportunities out there which provide support and guidance education wise, trauma wise, or anything really. I hope self-love comes to you gradually because truly, you deserve it. You deserve everything good.

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During the summer I get depressed a lot, for some reason, so because of that I’ve gotten super bad urges to relapse on self-harm recently.
It sucks because it’s so hot outside if I were to relapse I wouldn’t be able to hide it from my family and I’d get in trouble. My parents are super bad at dealing with my self harming problem whenever I relapse they just yell at me.
When my dad first found out I was self harming he smacked my fresh cuts instead of talking to me about it, so you see why that makes dealing with self harm urges extra hard; I can’t talk to anyone about it because I’ll just get in trouble for it.

I struggle to find things to distract myself with, I feel like at this moment in my life I don’t have much interest, thanks to the depressive flare ups; the only thing I can do to help ignore my urges is put myself to sleep while fantasizing about relapsing. Lol.
I’ve been sleeping so much recently because of this and it’s really bad, I can’t get anything done because I’m sleeping all the time.

There’s really no point to this ramble, I just wanted to say something about it because I can’t tell my parents so it’s just been eating at me.

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Hello Slimesly,
I just got done reading your post. I am terribly sorry to hear what you’ve been going through as of late. It’s really hard to be in your position, especially with your Dad who hasn’t been supportive of you in the past. Firstly, I am glad you came forward to us with your message. It can be especially hard to be vulnerable with people you may not know. I am proud of you for telling us your struggles as it takes an incredible amount of courage. I understand what your going through. In the past 8 months, I have been struggling with depression and anxiety. I was in a place where I almost gave up and I felt like hiding everything I was dealing with. I also tried to distract myself, often filling my time with doom scrolling on my phone and the like. I remember feeling so tired I didn’t feel like I could do much else with the time I had. I also beat myself up for not “doing enough” and feeling like I couldn’t get anywhere . You are not alone in dealing with these feelings you have. It is okay to feel what you are feeling right now. :people_hugging: :people_hugging: :people_hugging:
While I cannot offer professional help, what I can offer is a place of support for you to able to voice your concerns and feelings openly without judgement. One of our values here at Heartsupport is unconditional positive regard. You are important to us and we are here for you! I know things right now look bleak and that things may never change, but I am here to say that they can. I am proof that things can change and a new outlook is possible even though sometimes I still struggle. Thank you so much for reaching out and I hope to hear from you soon.
Take Care,
Splash.

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Earlier today I got very overwhelmed and had a meltdown because my dad had been being mean to me all day and it made me very upset; I’m like a child I can’t handle someone acting a bit upset with me, or else I’ll have a whole mental breakdown.

I was upset already because of my dad then my mom let the dog outside without his leash. I yelled at her for it which made my dad mad so he started yelling at me for being over dramatic and a whole bunch of stupid stuff; I started crying when my dad yelled at me which made him even more angry then he already was.
He told me he was gonna take me to a psych ward and drop me off because there was something wrong with me and I needed help, after a while of me continuing to cry he told me to pack my stuff and get in the car because he was going to drop me off at my grandmas house so he wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.

That was a few hours ago, as I’m typing this right now I’m still at home; I didn’t get taken to a psych ward or my grandmas house.
My dad threatens to get rid of me all the time when I get upset but never does, for some reason today it bothered me more than it normally does. I guess it may have bothered me more today than it normally does because I wouldn’t have started crying if he hadn’t had already been mean to me today.

Hi slimesy,

You are not alone here at Heartsupport, sometimes dealing with a family member like this can be hard. Especially when the other doesn’t isn’t aware fully of how to support someone emotions. May be difficult to try to reason with him especially when he makes you’re emotional response seem like something unnatural. Feel like there was no respect for your emotions really from your Father. Plus, Doesn’t seem like he doesn’t know how to support you’re feelings. Also going to refer a article you could read that may help you

Signs of Toxic Parents & How to Deal With Them — Talkspace.

Hope this help you in this situation

Hold Fast

KyleGouldOfficial

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I’ve been in your shoes, multiple times, I still struggle with it, a friend of mine called suicide “selfish” and I understand her take, but I understand your pain, but keep going as eminem once said, “You can do anything you set your mind to man.”