Struggling with temptations (TW-graphic SH)

There are over 50 OXY pain pills in my house… most are 10mg. My boyfriend had surgery on Monday and Wednesday I brought him home. I don’t know how I’m going to get thru the next 6wks. I’m exhausted and hurting from the physical demand on my body over the past two days already and that’s not good for my mental state either. Commanding voices get loud and I my coping skills go right out the door. I’m standing in that doorway right now.

My body is screaming with pain and I want so much to steal a few OXYs. But I just keep thinking about how one pill… just one pill can start something I don’t want to go thru again. I know if I act on this craving, it could really end up bad.

But what if I just eat one 5mg pill…, Would I feel it? Would I notice it? Would a low dose even take my physical pain away? If I feel it, I WILL want more. If I give in, it opens the door to lying, stealing, addiction and worse. It’s just not worth it, but the temptation is so strong right now. It’s scary how easily the addict in me can take over. It would be so easy to go get the bottle right now.

I want to cut so bad. I want to hear the tearing sound that the razor makes and I want to see the first drops of blood seep out. I want to feel the rush of my emotions leaving me… rolling down my arm and dropping to the floor. I want to feel the anguish of living leave.

I haven’t felt it this strong in a very long time. It’s been building and building and I’ve been aware of it. Dismissing it thinking I can control it. Thinking that I’m healed of this somehow, but I’m not. Not in the least bit.


Hey @Mystrose,

You will get through this. The urge is there, it is strong, but you are stronger, okay?

I would like to encourage you to let your boyfriend know about this. That the knowledge that these pills are present at home is triggering something difficult. He could make sure that the pills would be somewhere you wouldn’t know. He could help you be accountable and resist the urges that way. Do you think this could be possible? <3

As for the razor, if you could get rid of it, that would be great! You don’t need the knowledge of it being there torture you. Of course it could be fixated on something else. But for now, you don’t need razors at home. I’ve had myself to throw away a few belts through the years. It was frustrating, but always worth it. What would be wasted, would be to use those things to hurt ourselves. Not to throw them away for our own safety. It’s okay. :hrtlegolove:


The pills are with him, but to be honest it doesn’t matter. Nothing can stop me if I want them. I know I should tell him, I would tell anyone in my position to. I understand why you’re encouraging me to. I would if he wasn’t already dealing with his own pain and stuff. I don’t want to add stress. I’ve been doing my best to be “ok” mentally around him because he is already worried about my physical pain. It’s already hard for him to ask me to help him and I think it would cause him to suffer if he knew.

You’ve already helped me, @Micro by just being here and listening.


Stealing a few moments to say I love you and I’m sorrybyoure struggling so hard. You’re being brave.

Would going to a meeting for addiction help you?

Also, you have your meeting with your new therapist in a couple days. Could you use this as a physical and mental aid to resist?

Stay strong friend!


Nah, I never got anything out of meetings. I had to suffer thru them to complete my year of rehab…

love you too my friend.


I understand, @Mystrose.

Asking this in complete honesty and with zero judgment: is the fear of worrying him something that might be an excuse to avoid the possibility to not know where the pills would be anymore?

Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is not deciding for others, even if it is with a good and loving intention. His feelings are his own, ultimately. Though I understand and respect your desire to protect him by any means.

Maybe you could see it this way: you wouldn’t just let his know that you are struggling. You would actually suggest a way for him to actively help you. By owning the pills and knowledge of their location, he would have a practical way to help you. Which helps a lot to not feel helpless or too affected. What hurts the most when someone we love is struggling is feeling helpless. Not knowing what to do. Because our deepest desire is to help and comfort. In this situation though, he wouldn’t be helpless. And he might actually be grateful that you help him help you.

I don’t want to make you feel pressured with the idea of doing something specific though. This is your call of course. Just want to encourage you to do things that are healthy and safe for you.

You are not a burden. :hrtlegolove:


Hi Mystrose :hugs:
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I know you told us yesterday and I could tell you are really being troubled by it. I know you dont want to tell your boyfriend but if you dont it will be so much harder for you to cope. Just becase he is struggling does not mean that your struggles are invalid and the other way around. I think you should both consider the other and tell each other when something is too much. You are very strong Mystrose but I also know that you know yourself like no other. If you say something is becoming to much that means it is true. You are very knowledgeable about your limits and boundaries and that is very good and you should trust that knowledge.

Is there anything else that could help with the pain? Something that is not as strong but still helpful? I am thinking some muscle relaxing tea or a herbal type of painkiller (I dont mean wead :upside_down_face:). Maybe just taking some time for yourself and going to a massage therapy or to a chiropractor. Anything that you think might help :slightly_smiling_face:. I also have a good experience with hot thermophores.

When it comes to self harm telling your boyfriend and being with him might be a good choice. You will watch over him and he will watch over you :slightly_smiling_face:. You dont have to go through this alone. You are not weak for asking for help you are just in pain the same as your boyfriend. Be there for each other. Your love is strong and you both deserve it :wink:.


I’ve reflected on this and I see your point and I don’t want to sound dismissive, but it doesn’t matter where they are. If I want them, I’ll find them… I’m an addict. I would pry them out of his hand if I want them bad enough.

When he had first his surgery back in Nov I talked to him about the pain pills. He doesn’t have a preference so I asked him to ask for Oxy because I OD’d on it and had no desire to put that shit in my body EVER again. I had a little bit of temptation, but it wasn’t bad and 98% of the time, I didn’t even think about it. I also asked him to keep the bottle with him and keep count, which he did.

I went to pick up his new prescription on Wed because they upped the dosage 5mg to 10mg tabs and as I was driving home I started to think about how many pills there were now and how he couldn’t possibly keep track because he isn’t really paying attention to it anymore. How now, he doesn’t know how many he has.

My addict mind was activated.

I get it and you’re 100% right. He has always been a rock when it comes to my struggles. It’s just hard because saying it out loud makes it real and the fact that he is recovering from a big surgery makes it waaay more harder for me to talk to him about it. I know his environment needs to be peaceful and stress free. I don’t want to bring all the attention to me and cause a shit show.

I’m past the cravings, I’m ok now. I know these cravings are temporary and that’s the only thing that keeps me from opening that bottle up for myself. I know that it’s not something I want in my life ever again and I’ve gotten pretty good at fighting and reaching out when I need to. If I didn’t have the awesome support of this community, it would be 10000x harder.

Thank you for reminding me. :hrtlegolove:


I’ve been eating a LOT of Ibuprofen and I’m 3/4 of the way thru the 2.5 ounces of weed I bought this month. I’ve tried to do the massage therapy, but my insurance doesn’t cover it and I can’t afford it. Yes, I know… I spent $300 on weed this month. My priorities are a bit fucked up right now, huh?

I don’t because these thoughts are usually temporary and come so often, what’s the point of bring it up and causing drama 20 times a day? I usually go sit with him if I’m feeling weak and depending on how weak, I’ll usually say something.

I probably should have last night, but in the moment I wanted to protect him more than me.

I still want that release and I’m struggling pretty badly right now. I woke up thinking about it.


I believe in you! Just think back to how they made you feel… Sure it’s nice at first … but is it really? Think of all the things that associate and come with them… The feelings when you don’t have them … Now don’t focus on that of course … focus instead on how far you have come without them. How much better you are without that problem… You have the power to do this, you have always had the power to do this … I believe you are strong and you can conquer anything in your way! Don’t beat your self up over this please… you don’t deserve that after making it this far! Trust in yourself…


You are strong, my friend, and I believe you can keep the strength to avoid taking any of his pills. If you ever need a distraction when temptation is getting the better of you, I’m around and happy to help.
Stay strong, Rosie :hrtlegolove: -eloquent


Thank you @miketek and @DustintheWind for the great support :hrtlegolove:

I appreciate you both. :rose:


Just a little update.

I did talk to my boyfriend about what happened last night and he was glad that I could come here and get support. He wanted me to say thank you for him.

I want to help him and take care of him and my body is pissing me off because it’s failing me. My mental health is being pushed to the edge because of it.


I’m proud of you @Mystrose.

It is okay to reach out, and it is okay to be patient with yourself when you are struggling.

Thank you for sharing this update. I hope you can get some needed rest after this conversation. :hrtlegolove:


I am glad you had talked to your boyfriend Mystrose. I completely agree with @Micro here. It’s always ok to reach out and be patient with yourself :wink:


How lovely to see all your swat family here showing their love and its real, its fact over feeling rosie, I would love you to try to remember that, we know you so its easy to love you and what is wonderful about how close we have all become, the bond we have all developed is that we all get to be each others strength when needed. Keep reaching out, keep talking. I think I can safely say we are all here for you at any time. I am so proud of all of you. Xxx


Thank you @Ashwell I appreciate you and your support means the world.

Thank you for your lovely words @Lisalovesfeathers Being a part of this family had made all the difference.


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would doing some art help you through this? Give the addiction a face then rip it up to bits and toss it away? let it know you’re the boss here!

We’re here for you!


I tried to do some drawing last night, but I’m so uncomfortable that even looking down at the paper hurts.