My girlfriend suggested this so here I go. I’ve been dealing with my struggles since I can remember. I remember wondering where my mother went constantly, being bullied in elementary school through high school. I remember speech class at 14 and dreading it so much I’d go in my bike at night and force myself not to shove myself into a moving train. My parents divorced at 12. I started using weed at 13 and have had a psychosis since and can’t smoke weed anymore. I got out of body feelings for two years after wondering if it was even worth it anymore. Skip ahead to 16 I was getting better at guitar, but I got my heart broken twice now and couldn’t handle the pain anymore. I found myself cutting a lot. I eventually got sent to a hospital for a week, it happened the second time and I didn’t want to go back so I put up a fight with the police officers and got a charge for it. Society never looked at me the same I never got a felony but we’ll get to that. I took a liking to hating authority because of this it all felt so wrong to be punished for wanting to die. I’m not gonna lie it hurts to write this. I got in trouble a lot for smoking weed and hurting myself/trying to commit suicide. They eventually put me in “treatment” after putting me in group homes before hand and Juvy I still can’t understand why they did this to me. I went there for 6 months and something really really bad happened to me there that I will not explain for a long time. I tried to commit suicide again and failed and was given a last chance there. I hid self harm till I got out 3 months later to survive. I got out still on probation I ran away at 18 with my graduation money to Texas for awhile and flew back up to go to jail and have my name posted all over the news in my hometown for what I originally did cause they put it on my adult record, I didn’t find out until recently. I got off probation with a misdemeanor on my record and forever since I feel like I’m trapped in that treatment facility no matter where I go. I can’t hold a job cause of it for very long. I can’t function as the 20 year old adult I am should. I’m so angry at the world all the time and stuck in my past I dream all the time of what’s been done it’s affecting my relationships with everyone around me. I wish I could restart life. Or never have had one.
I’m glad you’re here, and thanks for posting. A lot to go through in 20 years. The problem with the past is, if you let it, it will control your future. When facing a lot of trauma from the past, it’s best to get some help around the process, because a lot of really strong emotions come up, and dealing with those emotions without support can quickly overwhelm and turn the world very dark. If you’re without support, it’s important to develop ways to deal with being overwhelmed by emotions, and the quickest way is deep breathing, with your full concentration on the air entering and leaving your body, deep breaths, several times, and it will calm you. (I’ve had to repeat several times, telling myself “I’m safe now”, over and over)
And with the lifetime of challenges and struggles, and really bad experiences you have found a way to deflect the pain, but the way you’re choosing is to inflict more pain on someone who has endured enough… you. It’s time now to show love and compassion to you, it’s time to nurture … you. You’ve reached out, written words of loss and pain, and also the desire to be healed. That’s where it starts, reaching out, talking/writing about our experiences and sharing in a safe place. Healing is a journey as much as it is a process. Commit to the journey to find the love that’s always been you. Peace
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