How pathetic am I?
Very, would be my answer…
Last night we got the news that we are practically under house arrest until the whole covid19 situation is under control. Everything (besides grocery stores, pharmacies, and very few other things) is closed and we shouldn’t leave the house unless it is absolutely necessary.
That isn’t so much the problem, also the virus itself doesn’t scare me or anything, but my anxiety is breaking all records.
Last night, I was laying in my bed, crying and panicking because I didn’t know what to do.
I was scared of the unknown and the things that might happen in the next days and the many restrictions that are to come (even though none of them actually are a big deal or limit me in my daily life).
I sat there and I panicked about being alive, about what I will do if it gets really bad in my head again and what I can do to stop it, because honestly, it is already pretty bad up in here.
I sat there and I couldn’t sleep.
I sat there and I was crying and going crazy in the dark.
Only when the lights were turned on, I was able to calm down, so last night, I slept with a night light.
21 years of age, but not able to sleep without the lights on.
I felt like a baby and I still feel stupid about it, knowing that tonight the same with will happen most likely again.
My heart is racing and I feel so lost. Thoughts of all kinds of nature are having a popularity contest inside my brain, but all of them seem to win.
The question „what in the world are you going to do when you go crazy with your family being the only people you can see and what are you going to do when your suicidal thoughts are established again?“ tortures me and my anxiety loves the attention, but it is killing me.
I don’t know what to do.
I need help, but I literally cannot go anywhere.