Stuck in the loop again

As you (probably don’t) know, I’ve just been recently broken up with. I guess I know how breakups go now. There’s something that stuck with me though, something that my ex said before he left me, and it’s basically the #1 reason why he did it in the first place.

I think we’re going too fast

What he said, really made me look inside myself. Am I really going fast in this relationship? I feel like i’m going at a normal pace for myself… But what about them?

I realized a couple of things:

  1. I constantly feel rushed. I feel like there’s some sort of time limit I have to abide by, and I don’t know how to get rid of it. It’s like- I constantly have the feeling that everything’s going to end soon so I have to do everything now.

  2. Heh, this is slightly hard to admit, but I’ll try my best. I think I fall in love too fast. I feel like I have to be in a relationship with someone. I know it’s not necessary to live, but sometimes my brain just feels half empty without one. So once I get over a breakup, my mind starts looking for people to have a relationship with.

A scenario that happened a month ago was when I met a really cool guy who was into video games and computers. He looked really attractive, and I instantly fell in love with him. I couldn’t go more than a week without telling him, so I did. We talked for a bit about it, he said he wasn’t really looking for anyone. Then he said “How do you like me? We basically just met.” I told him how it just happened, I didn’t really know either. He then offered that he would still like to be my friend, and I accepted it. Only in the last couple of weeks, have I finally got over him romantically…

I really don’t know what to do about myself.

I don’t know how to fix myself.

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Oh I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had a break up. They suck so hard. It hurts and it’s frustrating and there comes all the self doubting questions.
But they do happen and you do survive them.

There’s no real set guide when it comes to how fast a relationship moves. People also love at different places and that’s not wrong. It’s totally okay! My partner said “I love you” well before I did. I even told him I wasn’t ready to hear it or say it, then I was okay hearing it, and then I was ready to say it.

There can be times when people value themselves based on how much someone loves them or there could be people who just like being in a relationship.
There is a difference between love and having that infatuation or heightened crush feeling.
The fact that you were able to get over that pretty easily and learn where you relationship and feelings stand is really good actually.
You know sometimes when I meet someone I get that heightened sense about them. And it’s totally okay!

I don’t know much about your story so I don’t want to say too much or assume anything, and if it does sound like I have in anyway, please let me know!
I do love reading your posts as it seems like you are feeling a bit safer!
I’m glad you’re here

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Those are some tough things you have learned about yourself. But knowing and learning about yourself will definitely help you in the future. It is very tough to be left by the person you love, especially if they tell you what you thought to be doing right the whole time was not how they wanted to proceed.
It might be the case that you bind yourself too quickly to a new person and that it happens fast after a breakup. If you think about it, when you have a new partner very quickly after a breakup, doesn’t that diminish a little bit the importance that past relationship had to you? I know it can feel really bad to be lonely, but do you give yourself enough time to process and reflect? I know it is a great feeling to freshly fall in love with someone “new”. But it is also my experience that relationships, and also friendships, which develop at a slightly slower pace are more stable and last longer.
Know that you are a wonderful person worthy of love, even when you are “alone” and not in a relationship. :hrtlegolove:

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Rayden, I’m sorry that you had a break up, those are tough. It takes time to get over and usually a break from being in a relationship so you can heal is a good idea. Discerning whether it’s love or a crush is a good idea too, usually people have a crush on someone before they learn about them and fall in love. What did you fall in love with about this gamer guy? It’s great that you recognize that you fall in love too fast and I hope that you can figure out why that happens. ~Mystrose

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From: Who.is

feelings can be hard to navigate. Some people run towards the feelings of love and affection and others run away from them. Who we are, how we were raised, how we’ve been treated- plays a part in it all.
maybe if you had some time to ask yourself what it is about the person you find that you love, you might think that maybe you don’t know them all too well. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get to know them. Who knows, maybe you’ll find that you have more in common than you thought and you’ll be able to develop some mutual feelings, or maybe you’ll find that the initial feeling that was perceived as love has settled and you’re happy to be friends with them.
I am faaaaarrrr from the expert on handling emotions, especially love. But I hope that you find yourself being able to navigate through some of those feelings a bit easier and be able to understand them a bit easier. You do deserve love and all the good things that go along with it.

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Hello Rayden,

One of the first questions that popped up for me & I wonder if you have reflected on it: Is it more infatuation or actually falling in love? I know for me, there have been people that I find myself wanting to be around and hang out with because they have an amazing personality or energy that makes me gravitate towards them.

I also think that we live in a world that is rushed, which in turn creates a sense of being rushed in our day-to-day lives. Take it one day at a time. Find something new that you can enjoy and focus on. Enjoy new connections without thinking about the romantic side of things. Enjoy them for what they are and if something happens, that’s an extra bonus.

You are valid. You are enough. You are strong. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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From: susieqzz

Hey Rayden

Firstly I am so sorry for your recent break up. Break ups can be so hard to work through, and the constant “whys” are always so hard to deal with.

It sounds like maybe there is a need for love and acceptance from others for you? I can totally relate because I look to others for love and acceptance as well, and any time in the past when I have locked on to another person (whether it be romantically or friendly) I know that I am looking for some acceptance in return. However, I feel like the most important thing to do is practice self love and self care first. I feel like practicing self acceptance and self love helps with the feelings of seeking out the love from others.

Aside from that, I think you are very insightful about how you are. I would maybe explore more about where those rushed feelings are coming from, too, I think addressing that would help immensely with the urge to move things along quickly.

Hang in there, we are here for you if you need to talk more!

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, thank you for your post, it does indeed sound like you are really craving love and affection from somone and that is not unnatural, many people do crave that for many different reasons, it doesnt mean you are strange or different in any way it just means you like to be around somone who cares more than you want to be alone, but its not a bad thing to learn to be happy to be alone just for the sake of yourself, not so that you can spend weeks, months or years alone but so that you dont fear lonliness. Its good to feel wanted but its also good to feel happy if you are not needed if you get my meaning. Either way, you are very much loved here at heartsupport so you are never without any form of love thats for sure. Lisalovesfeathers. x

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Hey @Rayden,

Thank you so much for reaching out once again. It really takes a lot of strength to put all of these things into words like you did. You’re approaching a topic that can be difficult to face, especially when it feels like something could be wrong with our personal feelings.

While hearing our SWAT lead reading your post during our meeting, I couldn’ help but thinking that it is possible that what you feel is an idealization of romanticism. Basically, that you may be seeking affection and care through a loving relationship, but that your needs may not necessarily embrace all that a romantic relationship would offer. What are your needs behind this attraction you have for people generally? Do they make you feel seen, heard, safe? Is it about their behavior or attitude? And do you think that these particular elements that attract you are inherently tied to romanticism?

During my teenage years and my first years of being a young adult, I sometimes struggled with the same thoughts and emotions. I felt like I was “falling in love” too easily, too quickly, as long as I felt like I could be myself with someone. Ultimately I had to realize that it wasn’t really about love, but about the idea of love. It was about the idea of what these people could provide to me, which stems directly from the affection I didn’t receive during my childhood. My emotional needs were definitely not met as I grew up, so I was definitely looking for this affection somewhere else - anywhere else! It often felt like love but it was definitely more about what the person could give to me, how they made me feel, and not necessarily about the person themselves.

I believe that behind this answer you provided this person, that you didn’t really know either how come you fell in love with them, there is something to dig in, in order to identify potential needs that you have as an individual, needs that may or may not be filled through relationships only. There might be a part that would rely on your ability to reparent yourself in some way, on nurturing your inner child and taking care of yourself first.

Through it all: there is nothing about you to be “fixed” because you are not broken. This is without a doubt an expression of needs that you have. The lack of clarifity for now brings confusion, but the more you will ask yourself questions, get to know yourself, then the more you will also understand yourself. You are not to be fixed because you are not weird or broken. You are, just like all of us here, a human beings with essential needs. What is important from there is to make sure that the way you will respond to those needs wouldn’t be hurtful for you or inappropriate. Sometimes, we crave so much for affection that we miss that we look for it in the wrong places. There is a lot of strength in this vulnerability of yours. This is a journey, a work in progress. You will get there. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi Rayden,
a breakup is always hard, so give yourself time to heal after it. Maybe this is something that might help
a bit. Being alone can be good to reflect on things, to overcome and find some rest for yourself.
Some self care to have time, spend that with things you enjoy.
It can help to be alone for some time. As long as you are not feeling lonely. Go out with friends or family.
You handle that good so far, you are reclecting on yourself very good. keep that.
Thank you for reaching out to us, we are here for you. Have a nice day and feel hugged,
Greetings

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Hello Rayden,
I’ve read a few posts of yours, some very heartbreaking. But I don’t know why, after reading them something always comes to my mind: writing. You are very good at writing, some entries are almost poetry. Have you ever thought about writing some fiction? Any stories that are not based on you? Maybe that, unconsciously, will help you to clear your mind and then have clearer ideas about your position in life. Sometimes, “decentering” (getting out of the center) is the best way to find yourself. Write a story. I’m sure it will be very interesting. All the best, S

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