Stuck in this grief

In august it’ll be 2 years since I lost my brother to suicide. We were very close. He was my only brother, and a year older than me. He never made it to 25. My 25th birthday is landing next month and I’m struggling with the fact that I am older than he ever will be. He was my best friend. The only real family I felt I had. Our mother passed away from cancer when we were teenagers so we always stood together, somewhat alienated from the remaining family we had. This has changed me down to my core. I no longer have the same interests or passion I once had in my life. Just the thought of why he had to die the way he did haunts me. He hung himself in his bedroom one night when he was drunk and although I only saw him once they cut him down, I picture it. And I feel the pain he had. He was an extremely talented musician and audio engineer and I’m literally nothing. I 100% feel like it should’ve been me that died. He made more of an impact on everyone more than a shy girl like me ever could. I don’t know how to talk to my fiancé about the pain and haunting thoughts I have. Sometimes all I can do is cry and get angry. I think I’ve developed bi polar disorder because my emotions flip so drastically all the time. At times I feel the pain isn’t as bad as it was before but I’m lost as a human being. I have no real purpose or idea what to do with myself. My pops went to live in a new country cause he couldn’t deal but I’m still here living in this same area. What the hell am I doing here? I turn to drinking almost everyday to make me feel alright and I spend all my money on it and struggle with everything else. I don’t think I’ll ever be as happy as I was when I had a brother. This loss is just too much for me


Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of strength to be vulnerable like this. Thank you for trusting us.
I’m sorry for your pain. But it’s okay to be emotional. You’re human. Feeling is a part of life.
I feel like this is what keeps me from going through with these thoughts I sometimes have, suicide/self-harm, because I think about how others would feel. I just want others to be happy.
Just know that you are so strong for sharing and fighting. You are such an amazing person. Nobody should go through something like this, but you’ll grow stronger because of it. I have faith that you will make your mark on the world. It will just take time. Hold fast friend, you’re worth it! :green_heart:

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Also I want to send you a sticker to encourage you:


Hey thank you so much for your words. I was just looking for a place to vent. I wasn’t expecting a response let alone in video format so this was very heartwarming. I’m new to this site but already feel the support. I’m trying my best to improve everyday. Thanks again!