Thank you for sharing.
I’m sincerely sorry for your loss. Even though this kind of words can seem to be empty in such circumstances… know that my heart goes to you.
Now since November I’ve been trying to get back on my feet. I’m currently moving to a new place - since I’m still living in the same place that my wife and me used to live. I think that’s a good step. I also changed back my last name since I took on the last name of my wife.
It sounds that, indeed, you already took some very positive steps. Moving somewhere else is not easy, yet it can really help, as living in the same place can make you feel stuck in your memories and painful feelings. As for your name. There are many practical things like this that we can change/improve as we are experiencing a grief. It is part of healing. It helps to carry the memories of our beloved ones differently, in a way that is less hurtful to us.
In that time I have been through therapy for a couple of months, which helped a bit but not really since I haven’t gotten along with the therapist very well.
May I ask how do you feel about therapy? It can be difficult to find the right therapist at first. It can take some time… and a certain amount of energy. But if you feel like therapy can be of a great help to you, then I can only encourage you to follow your intuition and, maybe, to consider the possibility of giving it an other try, with a different therapist, if one day you feel ready for it.
I do recognize these are positive steps. However I realize that most of my days I don’t have much energy and motivation to move on with my life. I play a lot of computer games and hang around on twitch alot. I see my family at least once a week. I do wanna life my own life again. Find a new job, a new wife and start a new family. However I realize it’s hard for me to move on and it’s very tough since there is very little perspective to look forward to right now.
I can relate to this strong need of overcoming your situation and feelings. When I was grieving someone from my family who was really dear to my heart, there was this season/transition when I was deeply frustrated for not being able to move on. I too played a lot to video games and spent hours in front of my computer screen. I actually started to doubt my capacity to get back on my feet. And as I tend to be someone who need to stay busy, I feel easily guilty if I am not “productive”. But those are particular circumstances in your life. The fact that you are lacking of energy and motivation is normal. Losing someone impacts your mental health such as your physicality. It’s okay, friend. Take your time. Take it easy. Take the time you need to reflect on your own situation, your own life. It’s already really awesome to hear that you have this inner flame, this will to get your life again. And you will. But it’s going to be different, for sure.
I never really enjoyed working as a software developer and I don’t want to do that any more and think now is a good time to find a new career path. It just all seems like a lot and the little steps I take do not seem enough in the giant road if ahead of me.
It feels certainly like a giant road. But again, from an outsider perspective this is really positive. You’re at a crossroad of your life, wondering which path to chose. And being aware of what isn’t fulfilling to you anymore is important and honest. I respect that. Somehow, when I was trapped in the turmoils of grief, I started to get rid of all the things that I saw as being… useless, pointless. Fake relationships, thoughts I considered as being true. It was a way to regain some power in my life. I wanted to get back to what is essential to me. Because this is also about facing the reality of death and the fact that our time is precious. You got this, friend. Maybe you will keep navigating in some uncertainty… and it’s also why counseling/therapy can help you. But you’ll make it through. You will make the right choices for yourself. I believe in you. The steps you are taking are already important and precious. Even if some of those are only in your head right now, it will be followed by the right actions. Everything will happen on time.