Stuck with moving on after my wife died

[hellojoe]

So I lost my wife a while about a year ago and have been trying to get back on my feet. I also lost my job last year as a software developer and was on sick leave for a several months last year. In that time I have been through therapy for a couple of months, which helped a bit but not really since I haven’t gotten along with the therapist very well. Now since November I’ve been trying to get back on my feet. I’m currently moving to a new place - since I’m still living in the same place that my wife and me used to live. I think that’s a good step. I also changed back my last name since I took on the last name of my wife.

I do recognize these are positive steps. However I realize that most of my days I don’t have much energy and motivation to move on with my life. I play a lot of computer games and hang around on twitch alot. I see my family at least once a week. I do wanna life my own life again. Find a new job, a new wife and start a new family. However I realize it’s hard for me to move on and it’s very tough since there is very little perspective to look forward to right now. I never really enjoyed working as a software developer and I don’t want to do that any more and think now is a good time to find a new career path. It just all seems like a lot and the little steps I take do not seem enough in the giant road if ahead of me.

I think I’m looking for encouragment and general thoughts / dialoge on this forum.

[anon17277947]

Hey Joe!

Saw you in the stream! Glad you decided to come and share on the wall <3

I’m so sorry that you lost your wife. That’s hard. I can only imagine the pain that must have brought on you. Whether it was a break up or through them passing. And I’m really sorry that you lost your job.

I’m glad that you have been able to be in therapy, but sorry to hear that you aren’t getting along very well with them. Do you think that maybe finding a new therapist may be more beneficial to you? I know that I have had to go through a few therapists before I found one that worked for me. What is it that you and your therapist are struggling with right now?

I think it’s normal that when things have kinda escalated in our life, that we as human get under motivated and struggle to get back on track. Do you think that if you found a new therapist that you could get along better with that maybe it would help you better connect with what you need to do to achieve the goals you thrive for?

Is part of the struggle with your therapist, you struggling to do the things that they suggest? I know it can be easy to set goals and want something in life, but be really hard to do the things that we need to do to get those things.

What are some things you feel you could do, to start working towards these things? Having control of your life again. Finding a new job. So you can start a family? I know video games and twitch can be great distractions, especially if you are feeling low, but sometimes can interfere with us moving forward. I know my partner has struggled with this in the past. He’d get stuck on video games and it would distract from job search. Do you think maybe setting some healthy goals for yourself would help? Like, maybe applying for a couple jobs before gaming?

I know right now with Corona, that jobs and job search is pretty much on hold most places. So maybe in this down time, you can work on writing a game plan on things you could do to help yourself move forward. This is what I’ve been trying to do for me and my relationship.

Just take the goals you want to achieve. One at a time. And write down small steps you can take to help you achieve that goal. And then take your next goal and do the same. Then prioritize those things in the order they need to be done and see if you can work on finding a way to work through those things in reasonable realistic steps.

These are some things that have helped me. I know taking steps outside of our element can be hard, but in the end it’s worth it. <3

I’m here if you want to talk

• Kitty

[taylor]

Hey Joe,

First I want to say welcome and thank you so much for sharing your story here. It can be so hard to reach out and ask for help and you took the first step which is always the hardest one.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. In my experience with grief even after a year the wound can still feel fresh, so my heart aches for you as you continue down the road to healing.

You are doing all of the right things by changing your name and starting therapy! I encourage you to try a new therapist if this one isn’t a fit. It often takes a couple tries to find someone that can really help you grow.

Next I encourage you to be gentle with yourself, you are still healing and growing. I am proud of you for taking responsibility for your healing though, and something that has been helpful for me is finding people who can help keep me accountable. Maybe you have someone check in with you every week to see if you applied to jobs? Maybe you start going to group therapy or a church group or some other hobby.

You got this! We are here for you.

[AVJR]

@hellojoe

I’m sorry you are going through a rough patch. Just letting you know that you are loved by this community and God. The season you are in won’t last. Keep pressing on. Thank you for sharing your story. Much Love.

[Micro]

Hi @hellojoe,

Thank you for sharing.
I’m sincerely sorry for your loss. Even though this kind of words can seem to be empty in such circumstances… know that my heart goes to you.

Now since November I’ve been trying to get back on my feet. I’m currently moving to a new place - since I’m still living in the same place that my wife and me used to live. I think that’s a good step. I also changed back my last name since I took on the last name of my wife.

It sounds that, indeed, you already took some very positive steps. Moving somewhere else is not easy, yet it can really help, as living in the same place can make you feel stuck in your memories and painful feelings. As for your name. There are many practical things like this that we can change/improve as we are experiencing a grief. It is part of healing. It helps to carry the memories of our beloved ones differently, in a way that is less hurtful to us.

In that time I have been through therapy for a couple of months, which helped a bit but not really since I haven’t gotten along with the therapist very well.

May I ask how do you feel about therapy? It can be difficult to find the right therapist at first. It can take some time… and a certain amount of energy. But if you feel like therapy can be of a great help to you, then I can only encourage you to follow your intuition and, maybe, to consider the possibility of giving it an other try, with a different therapist, if one day you feel ready for it.

I do recognize these are positive steps. However I realize that most of my days I don’t have much energy and motivation to move on with my life. I play a lot of computer games and hang around on twitch alot. I see my family at least once a week. I do wanna life my own life again. Find a new job, a new wife and start a new family. However I realize it’s hard for me to move on and it’s very tough since there is very little perspective to look forward to right now.

I can relate to this strong need of overcoming your situation and feelings. When I was grieving someone from my family who was really dear to my heart, there was this season/transition when I was deeply frustrated for not being able to move on. I too played a lot to video games and spent hours in front of my computer screen. I actually started to doubt my capacity to get back on my feet. And as I tend to be someone who need to stay busy, I feel easily guilty if I am not “productive”. But those are particular circumstances in your life. The fact that you are lacking of energy and motivation is normal. Losing someone impacts your mental health such as your physicality. It’s okay, friend. Take your time. Take it easy. Take the time you need to reflect on your own situation, your own life. It’s already really awesome to hear that you have this inner flame, this will to get your life again. And you will. But it’s going to be different, for sure.

I never really enjoyed working as a software developer and I don’t want to do that any more and think now is a good time to find a new career path. It just all seems like a lot and the little steps I take do not seem enough in the giant road if ahead of me.

It feels certainly like a giant road. But again, from an outsider perspective this is really positive. You’re at a crossroad of your life, wondering which path to chose. And being aware of what isn’t fulfilling to you anymore is important and honest. I respect that. Somehow, when I was trapped in the turmoils of grief, I started to get rid of all the things that I saw as being… useless, pointless. Fake relationships, thoughts I considered as being true. It was a way to regain some power in my life. I wanted to get back to what is essential to me. Because this is also about facing the reality of death and the fact that our time is precious. You got this, friend. Maybe you will keep navigating in some uncertainty… and it’s also why counseling/therapy can help you. But you’ll make it through. You will make the right choices for yourself. I believe in you. The steps you are taking are already important and precious. Even if some of those are only in your head right now, it will be followed by the right actions. Everything will happen on time.

Hold fast.