Stuff I've been struggling with

[Mystrose]

Ever since I did my therapy program awhile back, I’ve felt this expectation from myself to not mess up and let my BPD show. I’m being really hard on myself, and I don’t know if it’s healthy or not. It almost feels like I have quiet BPD now, where you internalize emotional struggles and episodes. Turning anger inward or suffering in silence.

I feel like I’m being fake to everyone around me. When I’m talking to my partner about something, I don’t feel like it’s me talking and that I’m just acting like I’m expected to. In those moments when I’m aware of my trigger happening and I turn off the rage and play nice, that rage is still inside, and I don’t know what to do with it. It physically hurts. When someone asks me how I am, 95% of the time I’m, “ok” because I don’t know how to describe how I feel. I freeze when someone asks how I am, and I feel uncomfortable.

I know that therapy has helped me. I mean, it’s been a long time since I screamed at anyone or punched a wall. It’s been a long time since I split with a close friend/community or had an obsessive friendship. Those are all things I have to consciously keep fighting though or it takes over and I lose control.

One thing I struggle with big time is seeing neutral facial expressions as negative. Something that most pwBPD experience. So, it seems like everyone is mad at or hates me. Like Monday, during the Heart Support stream Dan was going to do paintings for people in the community who have made healthy improvements, and someone nominated me. So, he made a beautiful fall leaf for me in watercolors, and it made me feel so good, but the whole time I had to fight the thoughts in my head that he was only doing it because he “accidently” read the nomination for me and felt obligated. I was interpreting his kind face as being disappointed that he couldn’t do it for someone else. I feel so horrible thinking those things and the fact that I have to constantly fight with myself over things like this is extremely exhausting.

The emptiness I feel is so overwhelmingly dark and it feels like there is no way out. I recently read it described… “People who experience chronic feelings of emptiness lack the capacity to experience themselves, others, or the world fully and there is a profound lack of emotional depth or sense of not being in the experience. Its grief, depression, loneliness and hopelessness all rolled up together. These feelings are often present all the time, even if life is going well.” It’s true and I feel bad for feeling like this.

When someone tells me goodbye and I know I’m going to be alone, it hurts.

I don’t want anyone who knows me to feel bad because there isn’t anything anyone has done to make me feel this way and I love you all dearly. The support and love everyone here gives me is what keeps me coming back.

[Aardvark]

Hi Rosie,
i only can imagine how it feels, when it comes to BPD and things like that.
what i can relate a lot to lately is the emptiness inside. i struggle a lot lately, even though i see some
progress i made, it often feels like i go backwards. connecting with people, answering the “how are you”
also gets a lot out of me and i answer most of the time with a “i get along” and i feel bad, because its not
really the truth. i feel bad for that, but i don’t want to bother someone or show everybody how i really feel.
i am exhausted telling people how i feel, what my struggles are, be accepted.
feeling numb and empty is also overwhelming me, because i don’t want that. i try to express myself and
write it down. i draw, i make music or go for a long walk. try to talk to my friends.
loneliness also keeps me down in times like that. the missing of someone who asks how your day was, who
is there for you, someone to love and spend time lately.
maybe you can give writing a try, just for yourself, whats out of your mind is out. and you calm your mind
a bit. talk to people you love.
i don’t know you that much in the time i am here with Heart Support. but from what i witnessed, you are
doing amazing. not only to hear from you, also the improvements lately, with the way you support others
here, your sharings of your life and struggles, your kind heart and soul, i can tell you that you are an
inspiration for others. someone to look up to, we all struggle, we all have our issues and worries, how we
show ourselves in that time shows the strength of someone. you are incredible strong Rosie.
but also a strong heart need support sometimes. so there is no need to apologize or explaining.
you deserve that, not only the painting all of the good things in this world. you matter, not only to us, to
your family, your friend and all the people you love and loves you. you are worth of all of this.
Feel loved and i am proud to call you a friend, i am proud to know you, i am proud that you helped me claim
a step in my progress. thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart. feel loved and hugged.
this is for you Rosie, Thank you.
Lovely Greetings

• Andi

[Sita]

“how are you” is one of those universal conversation openers, isn’t it?
We can totally see if there are alternate opener that would not make you so trapped!

I think of that kind of feeling of emptiness as a void, and to me, a void is one of the hardest concepts to understand or comprehend. You can show how you feel. You don’t have to hide and make it harder on yourself.

Will talk more later

[ManekiNeko]

I’m glad you’re here and are able to share how you’re really feeling. We all know it’s okay to feel shit house, but we also know that feeling shit house isn’t what a lot of people want to hear or know how to respond to, so we smile and say “okay” or “good thanks”.
Does the internalisation of your struggles have any outlet?

When I read how you were feeling when Dan was doing the drawing my heart sank. I know those bastard feelings, even if it doesn’t feel like it Rosie, I can see how people here really respect and appreciate you.
I hope you find a constant and stability here.

I don’t want to keep rambling or pretend to know how to give the sage advice that will make it feel better, but your words have been seen. You are and will always be important!

[Mystrose]

@Aardvark You’re such a wonderful man and I’m so happy that you are apart of this community. Thank you for your encouraging words, it means a lot.

@Sita It’s weird and I was talking to my therapist about this and I realized that even tho I don’t want people to ask how I am, It hurts when they don’t. So, I guess phrasing it a different way is a good idea, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect people to do that, let alone remember. When you ask someone how they are it’s kind of like an automatic question. Most of the time, you don’t really think about it. I’m working on trying to figure out what emotions I’m feeling. She gave me a list of emotions to choose from. She wants me to add those emotions to my journal every day when I write in it. She said that’s really good practice. I also think of emptiness as a void and it is something that is hard to understand.

@ManekiNeko Seeing me is enough. Thank you so much for that and taking the time to make me feel supported. I appreciate you.

[ManekiNeko]

I like that you’re practicing writing down your feelings for the day, it’s good to be aware of them. Even if the feeling is of emptiness, it’s still worth noting. I always hated those “how are you?” Questions because you know that they want to hear you’re good, things are good, everything good, now your turn.
I have a friend who is brilliant at answering with so much honesty. Sometimes it shocks people and her response is “why did you ask then if you’re not ready to hear how I really am?”.
So when we here ask how you are, it’s because we are open to hearing the honesty of how you really are. You’re more than just your good days, it takes all sorts of days to lead us to good days.
Sometimes good days are rarer than others. People are taught that the answer to “how are you?” Has to be comfortable and safe. We have to protect them from ourselves because we aren’t allowed to “kill the vibe”.
Because people don’t understand that it’s okay to not have a response, and it’s okay to just listen and be there for someone