This week I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts a little more than for the past few weeks, and since someone reminded me of it, I’ve been trying to fill a safety plan that’s available on the Support Wall. There’s a part in which we are encouraged to list 3 people to reach out to, at any moment, in case of an emergency. And… I’ve realized that besides my partner, I have no one to add on this list. Of course I knew it already. It’s not something new to me. But it still hurts to face this reality while trying to respond to something so important such as: who could you reach out to at any time in case of an emergency?
My social life “irl” is empty. Whenever I think about the people I share my life with, there’s always a matter of emotional or physical distance. It feels like the more time has passed, the more the list of people I once loved or knew is made of people who are not here anymore.
My family has always been small since I don’t know half of them, and now there’s only my sister I share my life with, but she lives far away, in a different timezone, and I haven’t seen her for almost three years. When I look at old pictures of my family, I only see people who have passed away, are living far away, or people I had to distance myself with. since I don’t work anymore I’ve also lost contact with my ex-colleagues whom I considered to be friends. But I was too depressed to keep a regular contact with them. They’re not interested by my attempts to get in touch with them again. It’s my loss. Earlier this year I’ve lost a friend and ex-colleague, someone I really looked up to and was an example to me in many aspects of her personality. Covid took her and I’m getting tired of losing people for diseases that just shouldn’t exist.
Thankfully HS has been there, and truly the center of my social interactions for the last two years. With the epidemic on the top of it, I know that I wouldn’t be here anymore if I hadn’t met such wonderful people around here. It has brought me an important sense of connection, which probably explains as well why I’ve been around so often. Though the paradox is that even if I talk to quite a few people on a regular basis, it is to give my support, not really to share life together. I thought of this safety plan question, but once again whether people are in different timezones, or not close enough emotionally speaking, or just too vulnerable to be a supporter.
I am used to help, it’s in my blood. I’m also used to be self-reliant. I’m used to be shy and struggle with social interactions, also to be drained quickly so whenever I had friends I tend to lose them easily. I’m used to the fact that being depressed tends to make people go away. I know rationally that I’m not a burden, but no matter what people say, truth is people tend to naturally go away from someone who’d rather spend time at home reading a book than going outside having a drink.
I’m used to give without expecting in return. I’m used to my own solitude and find some comfort in it somehow. But I’m still alone. I feel alone. And it hurts. Part of it is due to who I am and the decisions I’ve made throughout my life. But part of it is also the result of my past, of traumas, fears and insecurities - things I didn’t choose and make trust hard to give. I’m alone and it’s always been like this. Oh I had friends while growing up, and I had the feeling of really having a family for a while. But people are gone now, away or dead. If my partner wasn’t here, I’d have given up a long time ago. Though regarding how it feels, I feel doomed to be alone and still believe in the lie that if someone knows me too much, they’d go away, because there wouldn’t be anything interesting to see in me.
If something would happen to me tomorrow, no one would really know besides my partner and my sister (though I’m not even sure if he knows how to contact her since they never interact together). Sometimes I’m glad that I know how to be self-reliant, because I believe it has made me someone who tends to be tenacious during situations that feel desperate. It makes me someone who wants to fight, even while feeling defeated. Kind of stubborn when it’s about fighting for what I believe in. Though it doesn’t really work well with feeling absolutely worthless. So sometimes realizing how alone I am, how much I don’t talk to anyone besides my partner, is heavy. I’m so grateful for the few video/voice calls I do with my sister sometimes, with someone in this community as well, and also for the SWAT teams. Though I miss talking to people, and feel kind of pathetic for saying that.
It reminds me of my early student years when I was absolutely alone, in a city I didn’t know, and would realize that I could spend weeks without having the possibility to have a conversation with anyone. I could spend an insane amount of time not saying a word to anyone. The world would keep turning, but mine felt like on an endless pause. At the time I craved for the possibility to interact with others and would cherish the few words I would say to a vendor in a shop. It feels a bit the same way today. I wish I didn’t feel that ever again. It’s such a heavy thing to experience. I thought it was over, but it’s not. Somehow, I always come back to this point of being utterly alone because safety in relationships is so hard to find for me. The paradox being that right now it makes me want to isolate myself even more and dive into my dark thoughts, which I know is not healthy. I know I’m not a burden, but still feel like one. I wish I didn’t have to fight against those feelings so often. Wish I could just be someone who has interesting things to share, exciting life updates to express, make the people I love smile. But my life is empty and my mind is an unfriendly place to myself, which makes it hard to let anyone in.
Not sure to understand how this brain functions anymore. Something has to be wired wrong. My mind is giving me a hard time, I know it. But the feelings and the pain are still very deep and real.