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Stupid tears

This week I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts a little more than for the past few weeks, and since someone reminded me of it, I’ve been trying to fill a safety plan that’s available on the Support Wall. There’s a part in which we are encouraged to list 3 people to reach out to, at any moment, in case of an emergency. And… I’ve realized that besides my partner, I have no one to add on this list. Of course I knew it already. It’s not something new to me. But it still hurts to face this reality while trying to respond to something so important such as: who could you reach out to at any time in case of an emergency?

My social life “irl” is empty. Whenever I think about the people I share my life with, there’s always a matter of emotional or physical distance. It feels like the more time has passed, the more the list of people I once loved or knew is made of people who are not here anymore.

My family has always been small since I don’t know half of them, and now there’s only my sister I share my life with, but she lives far away, in a different timezone, and I haven’t seen her for almost three years. When I look at old pictures of my family, I only see people who have passed away, are living far away, or people I had to distance myself with. since I don’t work anymore I’ve also lost contact with my ex-colleagues whom I considered to be friends. But I was too depressed to keep a regular contact with them. They’re not interested by my attempts to get in touch with them again. It’s my loss. Earlier this year I’ve lost a friend and ex-colleague, someone I really looked up to and was an example to me in many aspects of her personality. Covid took her and I’m getting tired of losing people for diseases that just shouldn’t exist.

Thankfully HS has been there, and truly the center of my social interactions for the last two years. With the epidemic on the top of it, I know that I wouldn’t be here anymore if I hadn’t met such wonderful people around here. It has brought me an important sense of connection, which probably explains as well why I’ve been around so often. Though the paradox is that even if I talk to quite a few people on a regular basis, it is to give my support, not really to share life together. I thought of this safety plan question, but once again whether people are in different timezones, or not close enough emotionally speaking, or just too vulnerable to be a supporter.

I am used to help, it’s in my blood. I’m also used to be self-reliant. I’m used to be shy and struggle with social interactions, also to be drained quickly so whenever I had friends I tend to lose them easily. I’m used to the fact that being depressed tends to make people go away. I know rationally that I’m not a burden, but no matter what people say, truth is people tend to naturally go away from someone who’d rather spend time at home reading a book than going outside having a drink.

I’m used to give without expecting in return. I’m used to my own solitude and find some comfort in it somehow. But I’m still alone. I feel alone. And it hurts. Part of it is due to who I am and the decisions I’ve made throughout my life. But part of it is also the result of my past, of traumas, fears and insecurities - things I didn’t choose and make trust hard to give. I’m alone and it’s always been like this. Oh I had friends while growing up, and I had the feeling of really having a family for a while. But people are gone now, away or dead. If my partner wasn’t here, I’d have given up a long time ago. Though regarding how it feels, I feel doomed to be alone and still believe in the lie that if someone knows me too much, they’d go away, because there wouldn’t be anything interesting to see in me.

If something would happen to me tomorrow, no one would really know besides my partner and my sister (though I’m not even sure if he knows how to contact her since they never interact together). Sometimes I’m glad that I know how to be self-reliant, because I believe it has made me someone who tends to be tenacious during situations that feel desperate. It makes me someone who wants to fight, even while feeling defeated. Kind of stubborn when it’s about fighting for what I believe in. Though it doesn’t really work well with feeling absolutely worthless. So sometimes realizing how alone I am, how much I don’t talk to anyone besides my partner, is heavy. I’m so grateful for the few video/voice calls I do with my sister sometimes, with someone in this community as well, and also for the SWAT teams. Though I miss talking to people, and feel kind of pathetic for saying that.

It reminds me of my early student years when I was absolutely alone, in a city I didn’t know, and would realize that I could spend weeks without having the possibility to have a conversation with anyone. I could spend an insane amount of time not saying a word to anyone. The world would keep turning, but mine felt like on an endless pause. At the time I craved for the possibility to interact with others and would cherish the few words I would say to a vendor in a shop. It feels a bit the same way today. I wish I didn’t feel that ever again. It’s such a heavy thing to experience. I thought it was over, but it’s not. Somehow, I always come back to this point of being utterly alone because safety in relationships is so hard to find for me. The paradox being that right now it makes me want to isolate myself even more and dive into my dark thoughts, which I know is not healthy. I know I’m not a burden, but still feel like one. I wish I didn’t have to fight against those feelings so often. Wish I could just be someone who has interesting things to share, exciting life updates to express, make the people I love smile. But my life is empty and my mind is an unfriendly place to myself, which makes it hard to let anyone in.

Not sure to understand how this brain functions anymore. Something has to be wired wrong. My mind is giving me a hard time, I know it. But the feelings and the pain are still very deep and real.

Stupid tears.

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Micro, dear friend, I hate hearing about you hurting and want for it to all go away. And yet, there is strength here that wasn’t here a year ago, gains that you may not see but that I know you know are there.

It is so easy to wallow in those thoughts, to feel helpless, to dive deeper. You put a stop to that. You purposefully turned away from your suicidal thoughts and proactively did an anti-suicide exercise, when you may have felt like pulling blankets over your head. #insteadiplan #insteadiamsafe #insteadilive

If I had to pick 3 people to be my crisis support, 2 of them live hours away. The third would be my wife, just by default. As you understand well, I wouldn’t want to be a burden to her like that unless it was really an emergency. It’s hard knowing that my most trusted friends are a plane trip away, but I also trust that if I call, they will answer. If they don’t answer for any reason, I know they’ll call me back the next day and damn well expect me to answer. If nothing else, making the calls holds me accountable enough to delay my crises. I know your sister would do that for you. Do you have anyone else like that?

We are grateful to have you here too. Your absence would be noticed immediately. I know as community leaders, we want to put our problems aside and be strong for other people. There’s no sense in pointing out that that’s not how this works. We already know that. Thank you for bringing your burden here today, and thank you for every other time you’ve done so. In this space, that’s extraordinary leadership by example. On the other side of this, I’m glad we could be here to give you a sense of community, belonging, and connection. Even through the time zones and anonymous screen names, it feels good to matter to someone, and you matter to EVERYONE on here.

The friends I do have close by, I only see 2 or 3 times a year, for much the same reasons. It’s knowing that they’re there that helps me. It’s just introversion, and my friends and I bond over it :smiley: What’s great about it is we can talk about how exhausting social interactions are, and we can also talk about local news, traffic nightmares, and other things that are relatable since we live in the same area. Most of that happens through Messenger, and those interactions may only take place once a month or so. It’s been about 5 years since I gave up on the idea of seeing friends because I believed I needed to, even when I didn’t want to. Now, when I see my friends, it’s on our mutually agreed terms, and it’s quality time, even if only a couple times a year. Friendship is a gift, and real friendship can withstand time and distance as long as you keep the feelings alive.

“Good friends are like stars. You don’t always see them, but you know they’re always there.”

You are more than your trauma. You know that. I know it may not feel like it. I can relate–after all, I’m just me, right? Listen to people when they say they like you and want to talk with you. It took me a long time. I still don’t feel all that interesting because my existence is just me, but other people feel the same way about themselves. What makes life interesting is hearing about other people. How much do you enjoy talking with and learning about other people? The same rules apply to you. It’s good that you acknowledge that your fears are a lie. It’s harder to break the spell, but acknowledging that it’s false is the first step.

For the record, you are interesting. You’re insightful, empathetic, and relatable. You know how to read a situation, and when to be sympathetic vs when to tell it like it is, and you still manage to do that in a loving, kind manner. You draw, play fun games, read interesting books, listen to awesome music, and you are fun and intelligent and easy to talk to.

You’re right. No one would know what happened to you. Again though, your absence would be noticed immediately in this community, and we’d be all the more devastated for having no closure, being left to guess or assume what happened. Have you ever had someone in your life disappear? I have. We weren’t even close, but when I think about it, I’m haunted having no idea if he’s in prison, dead, or just living like a hermit.

If there’s one thing the pandemic has taught us, it’s the importance of talking to people. We all took that for granted, or even saw it as a burden, before the option was taken from us. You are not pathetic, you are a healthy human being.

Micro, if only you could see yourself through the eyes of this community, through my eyes. You are all of these things! Again, it doesn’t feel like it because we are not that interesting to ourselves. Every day we put our pants on one leg at a time, walk the same routes, eat the same damn things (God I’m so tired of oatmeal for breakfast), but it’s the in between things that make us interesting. Hell, some people in this community have found it interesting that I eat oatmeal for breakfast every day. Your life is worth sharing and smiling over. Besides, if anyone had exciting updates to share every day (:no_mouth:), 1. their life would have no semblance of stability, and 2. people would get sick of hearing about it all the time.

I remember that well at my time in school, as if I was invisible on a campus full of people, like a piece of furniture. I would nearly cry just wishing someone would ask me how my day was. This was even with some of the top offices in the school assigned to keep tabs on me. I still fell through the cracks. It hurts just to think about it, and knowing that you still feel it is heartbreaking.

You are beginning to understand that this is a problem. This isn’t the way life is, this isn’t the way life is supposed to be. Something is wrong, and when something is wrong, it can be fixed. That’s the one notion that kept me alive for almost a decade. I know you know this is progress, I’ll just acknowledge it to remind you. You are not doomed to this, because you know it’s wrong and you want it to be better.

You can do this. I believe in you, and this community believes in you. You aren’t letting us down when you have bad days, you’re demonstrating that wellness isn’t always well and sickness can mask itself in empathy. We believe in you because you’re real. You are a treasure, Micro. You may not believe it, but you should know it and be reminded of it, and don’t insult us by telling us we’re wrong. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi Micro : :slightly_smiling_face:
I want you to know to you were one of the first people who heard me and had been there when i needed it. I can see that you are trying to help people. If i knew you in real life i would love to know you and be your friend, because you are an amazing supportive person. I am also an introvert so i know what it is like to be rather with a book than go to a party but i think you should look for some group of people that you can join… like a club of people with the same hobby. Reading, music or anything really. I know it might not be the deep connection you are looking for but it might develop into one.

I also think that animals can help you to not feel alone. I for example love cats but anything is possible. I know there isnt much talking involved but love is love even if it comes from an animal.
I am honestly sad that you feel like this. I wish i could give you more advice. Please stay safe.
-Ashwell

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@SheetMetalHead @Ashwell Thank you so much friends for your words. I acknowledge that I’ve going through a little breakdown lately and am still pretty overwhelmed, so I won’t respond extensively, but, from the bottom of my heart: Thank you. :hrtlegolove:

@SheetMetalHead It’s an honor to call you my friend, to share life with you, to volunteer alongside you as well. Thank you for sharing once again some very thoughtful words that I will meditate on once my mind will be a little more clear. I trust you, and I promise that I won’t insult you by saying “you are wrong”. I don’t want to give space to the shittest lies stuck in my mind. It’s still there, it’s still intense, but I see the time and energy lost because of it, which makes me more eager to fight back. I also know you mean what you say, that you would never hesitate to call me out if something was wrong as well, and that truth can only be loving. Thank you for sharing yours, really. Thank you for having my back when my mind goes off the rails.

@Ashwell I’m so honored to hear about our first interactions. Thank you so much friend for your time, your vulnerability, your voice and your heart. I’m always grateful to see you around. And I’m sure that I’m not the only one to notice that you truly are growing as well. Even during dark times, you know where the truth is, and you keep holding on to it. Your presence displays a lot of strength and you inspire me as well to keep pushing during my darkest days. The love and care that you’ve been sharing with people on the Wall is also very much appreciated. Thank you for being you, fam’. And thank you for honoring me, all of us, with your presence. You are loved dearly. Your words here are never left unnoticed. And your message right now goes straigth to my heart. Please take care as well. :hrtlegolove:

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