Success but at what cost

It’s been along time since I’ve posted here. Since then, I’ve had great success in my personal career, and November, I will own the company of my dreams that I have worked for and take role of ceo. I have my own commercial property, friends I work with, many great things going on.
But I am here so agonizingly lonely.
Last month things ended with me and my partner of multiple years. She was my best friend and lover and all I wanted next to me in this life. I loved her more than life itself. But things changed. I think she changed or I did or both. But I know my love never changed.
Our last fight things escalated to the point where I just needed that little bit of love and affection or I knew I would be completely emotionally empty and just dead.
I didn’t get it and my heart froze over. I felt nothing. I was hurt for not receiving love when I needed it the most. I was hurt that when I needed her most after years and all we had Been through she turned her back to me in that moment.
Afterwards she tried to apologize and saw what she did wrong and saw how she should’ve handled it differently. But the damage was done and I felt so unloved and unwanted and rejected by her that I couldn’t trust she meant it. It felt like manipulation and just pushed me away even more. For weeks she tried reaching back but my heart was frozen solid. Then as it started to de thaw and we talked again she just wouldn’t put her knives down. I said some things to her that I know hurt looking back, but they were what I felt. I told her I didn’t want a relationship with her, that she wasted my time, that she was just someone else. I was so hurt that someone who loved me so much turned her back to me when I told her I needed her most in that moment. I was devastated. My best friend became someone who I have hurt and has hurt me. Someone who sees nothing but the enemy when she looks at me. Someone who will never love me again and will replace me.
All I wanted was to be loved and heard. And now so much damage has happened that I know it would be impossible to rebuild and trust her.
I have such a gaping fucking hole in my heart. For 10 years I have loved that woman. She was the one I was supposed to be with.
Now I sit in my own lab, alone. I have to learn what life is without her and completely figure out what life is supposed to be again.
I am beyond devastated. I did the impossible and worked so hard to show her I could do anything for her and would do anything. And now she’s living her best life and here I am hopeless and alone.
Life has lost its flavor. My team looks to me heart broken. They see me suffering and know I’m still doing all I can to lead and guide them. They see the lion heart in me has died. They see that here I am a shell of myself.
When will life have meaning again? Why wasn’t I good enough? What could I have done? Why couldn’t I just fix it? Why couldn’t I just be better? Why can’t I just go back to the start and make it different?
I’ve endured many hardships in life from foster care to homelessness to death and despair.
Nothing trumps the death of ambition via purpose.
I hope something changes or atleast my team can be well enough off in case I can’t change or I play Russian roulette listening to the songs that made life worth living.

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Hi dampbread,

Thank you for sharing and opening up about your feelings regarding your break up. I am sorry for how things ended between you two. I imagine it’s really hard to lose a partner that you have loved for so long, because you also lost a close/best friend in the process. It sounds like despite your feelings of sadness and loneliness, you are aware that the relationship was no longer working as she had deeply let you down and broken your trust in her. You were feeling unloved and unwanted and those are never good feelings to experience in a relationship. It can make us feel alone in the relationship.

I think that you pushed yourself to do all of these wonderful things for someone else (your partner) when you should have been doing them for yourself, for your own wellbeing, for self-improvement, etc. I hope that you can take the time that you need to work through your feelings and heal from the heartbreak. That you reflect on things in a more constructive way that you can learn from and implement for the future. These questions are all normal, but try not to stew in them and beat yourself up too much because it will only lower your self-esteem. You are good enough, and a relationship not working out does not take away from your worth.

This is a big change for you and it comes with a lot of questions, what ifs, if onlys, stress, confusion, frustration and pain. But I hope you can find your ambition again and rediscover the lion hiding within you. I am rooting for you that one step and day at a time you will be able to find your purpose and have it align to you, what you want, what you need, your goals, your dreams. You have survived a lot, you are strong and you can survive this too. :white_heart:

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Hello dampbread

It can be quite a heavy thing losing someone you loved, regardless of if it was in a relationship or through death. The grieving that is to come after wards can be excruciating at times. I’m sure you understand all this though, as you are currently experiencing it. I’m sorry that you have had this crossroad in your life come along, and its one that you didn’t expect and weren’t prepared for. I think it is natural for you to have all these unclosed questions, regrets, and thoughts about what was. It is important though to try to move forward from these feelings/thoughts.

For me, as person who had to over come co-dependancy, and is still working on figuring out self-love and self-interest in regards to my future/ambitions. This feeling you are feeling feels very familiar to me. I’m not sure if it is exactly the same or not, but to me you should be proud of everything you have built, and you should have built your career/ambitions off of self-interest. Interest in your own success, your own well being, your own hobbies, your own interests. In my situation, which again might be very different from yours, I used to place all of my self-worth/value on gratification and affirmation from a partner, or another human being. It wasn’t until after I was able to grow my perspective, on my co-dependancy, that I realized that I needed to search for self-sufficiency in these areas. So that regardless of if my heart was broken another time in the future, things still made sense because I had built my heart up to be self-sufficient in a way. As I used to search for someone to give me self-worth/ambition, I now search for someone who has their own self-worth and ambitions. Someone who is growing themselves a long side me. Who’s interest might compliment my own, but in the end our self-worth and ambitions are reliant on our own selves, not each others. Support, instead of dependancy in emotions/goals/growth/ambitions.

I’m not sure if that previous thought above, or information will help at all, but to me you have survived foster care, homelessness, and I’m sure a number of other things in your life. You have built something huge, meaningful, and successful in your career off the back end of such struggles. I would consider this heartbreak to be another one of these obstacles and struggles you have to build off the back end of. Try to find ways to tunnel the emotions you are feeling into some form of productivity, or self-improvement. To not focus, or worry about what type of life your ex is living, because it is your life that is important. YOU matter. It is okay, and you should not feel guilty that you are feeling what you are feeling. It is okay that you are devasted right now, but where do we go from here. Where can we put our focus to try to get to the next stage of our life. I think that if your ambition was not coming from self-love and self-worth. That maybe those categories are a good place to start to try to look at, and grow. As they are very important.

What you are going through is very hard, and growing ourselves through such hardships can be just as hard. I don’t know if anything I say is ever right, or if I’m saying things useful, but I do know that I care. That I will read and respond to things you share if you ever need to share them, and that I believe in you. I believe in your ability to come out of these feelings/hardships, on top, and better for them. Just as you have overcome the past hardships in you life. Thank you for sharing your experience with us, and feel free to share more if you ever want/need. Hope your day today is going better then the days previous. <3

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