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Suffering alone

I been feeling so depressed lately and so fatigue. I go to work sometimes and I’m working while low key suffering trying to not cry, my eyes get red and I’m like “crap pull yourself together”. I been feeling so freaking alone. I don’t even know why I cry. But I cry randomly on my own, and hold it down when I’m around people. I haven’t told my parents or anyone that I been feeling like that again because again, I don’t wanna put them through anything, I don’t wanna be a burden, and I don’t wanna bug. So lately I just been keeping it to myself trying to get by and do it by myself on my own… and I just been realizing how much I put my everything in for people with no complaints when they need me, when they need to talk or is struggling, I’m there with love and willingness in a heartbeat for anyone without expecting anything in return, but all I sometimes want is for someone to do the same for me, and just be there. And no one can just listen, everyone just leaves, no one cares. I’m getting my suicidal thoughts and self harm thoughts again, the triggers and urges are back cause things are hard again. Depression always has its way of coming back harder and harder.

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Depression is very tricky on the mind . I suffer from it as well and I know it manipulates you into feeling like your a burden and that know one cares… Thats all lies hun . You must find someone to confide in a friend a family member .Its always ok to ask for help love. Never be ashamed or let depression manipulate your thoughts .I have many days like this but i refuse to give up or to give in Im always here if you need to talk keep shinning beautiful💗

Hi @God_Is_Love,

You’re right, depression has its way to come back and forth… I struggle with it as well. It regularly makes me wonder if there’s really something I can do to get myself out of what seems to be a never-ending spiral. Not knowing why it happens, or even if there is a reason behind all of this is so frustrating. I’m sorry you’re feeling isolated from others while you need to receive some support more than anything else right now. This feeling is relatable. When I feel like this it gets hard not to think that it’s about me, that I might be doing something wrong or that I’m worthless. Those king of thoughts are mostly due to depression itself. But also I realized that when I’m struggling I tend to isolate myself from others because I have many fears, such as the one you mentioned: to be a burden for others.

What you described is absolutely understandable. Most of the time, it’s a matter of finding the right balance between being supportive and caring to others but also allowing them to be part of your life. When we give too much of ourselves for others, we can get easily overwhelmed and expect them to behave according to the same standards, which isn’t fair. But on the other hand, relationships should be based on a certain level of reciprocity otherwise it can be hurtful. You deserve to receive this love and support you’re seeking.

You said in your message that you don’t want to be a burden for others. I get that. It’s not easy to share about our difficulties, especially when it’s about our mental health, as there’s a lot of stigmas around this subject. But also, going temporarily out of your comfort zone can be needed sometimes, especially when it’s about your own health and safety. Again your feelings are absolutely valid and understable. But what if this fear of being a burden is actually preventing you to receive the love and support you’re missing? What if your family would be glad and grateful to you, for the trust you show them when you accept to share your vulnerabilities? I mean, you know them. You are the one who can say if it would be a real option to you to talk to them and receive some help. Because objectively there are people who wouldn’t be supportive at all. Just don’t let this fear of being a burden interfere in your decision. There’s nothing wrong to share about how you’re doing. And no matter how their reaction could be, some truths will always remain: you have the right to share you’re going through, you have the right to be supported, you won’t ever be a burden because you’re facing unexpected difficulties in your life. So at least you managed to share it here for the moment. You bravely did it and I’m grateful to you for this very reason. Because it’s not an easy thing to do. You already have friends here to support you, no matter what. You are not alone. :heart:

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