Suicidal ideation

Hi beautiful people,

I am so, so tired. I feel so alone. I’m doing everything right- reaching out to friends, my therapist, trying my best… and I’m still feeling like absolute shit. i can’t anymore. I don’t want to be here. I’m so tired. I’m so heartbroken.

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Dearest @Alex,

You surely had a lot on your plate lately, and enough life transitions to go through. Your heart is grieving. It’s one of the most painful human experiences possible. How you feel is absolutely valid in such circumstances. I can assure you though, that it is possible to go through it safely, to thrive, to heal. There is hope. And you have all the strength, resilience, force and life that you need for it within you.

But today is different. It’s a time to slow down and rest, and that is okay. Please stay safe, friend. Take care of your body, your mind, your heart. Try to do something healthy that tends to comfort you or bring you some kind of you.

I’d like to invite you to write what’s on your mind. How you would describe this pain. Just to let it all out somewhere safe. Just to put it somewhere else than only letting it stuck in your mind.

On a different note, are you safe at the moment?

I promise you there are better days ahead, beyond all of this pain. I have no doubt either that you are doing your best, and that is something to be proud of. Your heart needs time. You need time. You have friends standing by your side right here as well. You are so very loved. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you @Micro. Thank you so much for your encouragement, love, and concern. I am safe now. I will spend some time writing out my thoughts… I think it’ll be helpful.

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Thought Journal:

I guess I’m feeling betrayed. I can’t understand how she could move on so quickly, how she could leave me via a text, and how everything I’d done for me, for us, for her was just for nothing. I don’t understand how she tapped out so easily… or that she had these thoughts of pain and trauma and things that she never felt she could share with me. I just wish she could’ve told me. I wish I was given the opportunity to clarify. I don’t think our breakup was hard for her. Is this karma for my past actions? Is this my punishment for hurting her in the past? I don’t know… but I do know that I gave my all to show her how much I loved her. I really did. I understand that sometimes love is not enough… I just wish I could have some answers. I feel so betrayed, so hurt, so in pain. It’s awful. I had no idea she was worried that I would kill myself if she left me, and it just simply wasn’t true. BUT how I was left? How she moved on in what feels like a month or two? My god, my heart is just shattered. I refuse to let her “be right” about this… I already wrestle with mental illness, and she doesn’t have that kind of power over me, but I’m allowed to be heartbroken… and some of my symptoms unfortunately include this kind of overwhelming pain sometimes in life. I don’t even know if that makes sense. I’m just doing my best. Doing my best to get better, to be better. My heart is still broken. I am not asking for attention; I have no intention of being “toxic.” I just feel I deserved more than a text. Maybe I didn’t. Maybe that’s how toxic I really was. I don’t know. So many questions, no answers. I’m doing my best to have hope. I pray God would have mercy on me. I’m suffering.

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I so regret my past actions, but I can’t go back and change them. I’m so sorry I ever let random people speak into my life. I’m so sorry I was suciidal in the past. But it wasn’t because of you. I was just struggling. I am so sorry I hurt you at the beginning of our relationship. I am so sorry. I haven’t forgiven myself for everything.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Alex, my xhusband moved on way before I could and I went thru 2yrs of grieving before I could even think about dating. My xhusband told me that he couldn’t take care me the way I needed. I was suicidal, in rehab and in a really bad place and he just couldn’t handle it. He left me. Some people just can’t handle the support someone else needs. That’s my experience with breaking up. I hope it make sense and you get something out of it. It still doesn’t make it right the way she did it tho. Take care ~Mystrose

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“Since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, everyone. We can’t escape that damage. But now, I am also learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other”

Hello again,

I am so sorry that you are feeling the way that you are feeling. All of these feelings are valid & completely understandable. It was very unfair that they decided to treat you the way that they did, & it is a lot to process. I am incredibly proud of you for coming back to HeartSupport & letting us encourage you. ILife can be difficult & a struggle. Life can also be beautiful.

You are not toxic. You are a human who has been dealt a lot in a short amount of time. I will be rooting & cheering for you. You are valid. You are strong. You are enough. You are important. You mater. :yellow_heart:

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From: Mamadien

It can be very difficult to grieve for a lost relationship when you haven’t been able to say all that you feel you need to say to that person. I’m so sorry. I’m glad you keep reaching out as you grieve and process what has happened. Please be gentle with yourself and take some time to care for you in a healthy way during this time. It was good to see that you are able to journal your thoughts and feelings, please keep doing that if you feel it’s helping. We are listening here and you are loved, worth more than you know.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey friend, thank you for posting, I am glad you feel that you can talk to us about how you are feeling, you are really struggling i understand that and its so very hard. I wish I had answers for you but the only real answer is time and thats probably not what you want to hear as I know that sucks. You were together for a time, you were happy for a time and now you have to learn to live with out eachother for a time and this time it hurts and I know it hurts bad and there is not much you can do about that pain, its one we all live with when something bad happens but it will subside, the only way to help it is to try to do things to busy yourself, you mentioned before that you were going to try and spend some time with a friend, I hope you still can and do, I think it will really do you some good. Life is going to get better for you I promise you. Much Love Lisa x

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From: Dr Hogarth

Hi Alex,

This is heartbreaking to read. To feel that grief and absence of another person and to feel that that grief is not reciprocated is extremely painful. However, it is so hard to understand what is going on in other people’s heads at the best of times, and we all deal with pain and grief very differently. You may not be seeing the whole picture, only what your ex wants the rest of the world to see.

This is hard and overwhelming, and would be even if you didn’t have your other stuggles. You may never have full understanding of what went wrong or what happened, but I think that your need to understand those questions will ease with time. In the meantime, we’re here for you when you need to talk and when things feel like they are too much to handle. You are loved friend and things will get better. x

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From: Taladien

He Alex,

Grief and heartbreak is something that everyone deals with differently. In my past, when I had my heart broken for the first time, I had no idea how to handle it. Hope to cope, carry on, or even just live with in. And it took me a long, long time to figure out how to do that. My mind went back to every action I took, everything I thought I did wrong, or could have done better. But none of that helped in actually processing the grief. It just kept me focused on it. Which didn’t help.

Finding myself, and my identity that didn’t include others, was a step forward. Finding little ways to focus my mind on what is to come, what I need to do for me, and mapping out how I want to get there were steps that helped me. Time was also what I needed. Even working on me, time is what I needed for the heart to heal. But try to find the little thing that help you as that time happens. Sorry if this isn’t super helpful, but it’s what I can share from my past.

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From: sea__kay

Hey Alex, I’m very sorry you’re going through so much emotional pain. It is so hard to find closure with a relationship when there isn’t the possibility to discuss and clarify things. When choices are taken away from us in this way, it feels so overwhelming. What we can do then is starting to accept what is and allowing the pain and grief to be there and to be felt. It is okay to hurt because of a person who left us. The way out of it is going through it and not resisting it. I hope you have some ways to distract yourself from the heartbreak from time to time to get a break from it and to see that there is life beyond the pain. Take good care of yourself and your mental health. Sending you a big hug and much love.

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Hey @Alex,

Thinking of you. How is it going on your end?

You are so very loved. :hrtlegolove:

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