Suicidal thoughts daily

I had heart surgery in 2009. I tried suicide twice having 2 nervous breakdown since surgery. Not a day goes by even on medication and counseling that I don’t stop thinking I rather be dead. I keep thinking heaven is better than here.

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There’s no doubt that Heaven is better than here, yet here we are. We’re here for a reason. The reason may not be apparent, but it’s absolutely there. Sometimes the greatest service we can provide is to give someone an opportunity to fulfill themselves by helping us.

It sounds like you have an established pattern of habitual thoughts. A counter habit might be to re-evaluate your situation, and what you can do to experience a greater degree of reward in your life. Ask yourself, what might you be doing if you woke up one morning and decided it was possible for the day’s experience to offer new insights, and moments of comfort and positive sensation. For example if you like coffee, really notice and appreciate the experience of drinking it. Is there someone around who’d enjoy your company, even a shut in neighbor? Do you have a pet? Hell, even a goldfish or bird adds value to life.

I’ve been depressed and often suicidal for a major part of my life. I actually made an attempt at the age of 10. I was a prisoner of my habitual negative expectations and fears. I lived a lot of years that way. I’m 70 now. 27 years ago, things began improving for me, which was largely due to an investment of effort to change my view of things.

Consider also, if counseling and medications aren’t working for you, it may be that you’d benefit from trying a different counselor. Tell your doctor that the medication isn’t working too well. It may need to be adjusted or changed.

BTW, welcome to Heart Support. Stay in touch. We’d like to know how you’re doing.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend, I can relate to you. I think looking forward the best that I can to the next day to see what it holds is something that helps me. Through out my life there have been joys that made it worth sticking around and I want to see what is next. Don’t you wonder too? Those joys will be there for you to experience. Sometimes, med adjustments and a fresh therapists are all you need too. ~Mystrose

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Hello Gray,

Welcome to HeartSupport! Thank you for allowing us to encourage you through this difficult time in your life. I hope you can find something that you can find joy in your everyday. It might be some trial & error, but I think it might be helpful to you.

Some things that I have been working on as goals & new hobbies are: going for a walk, learning more about D&D, reading books that I wouldn’t normally read & discovering new podcasts that challenge me.

Change it up. Make it something to look forward to each day. I believe in you. You can do it.
You are amazing. You are wonderful. You are strong. You are valid. You are enough. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you so much for your post and thank you for reaching out. I am so sorry that you have been in this bad place for such a long time, you mention being on medication and having counceling? do you feel this has helped much at all? and if so do you think changing one or both would make that better? the reason I ask is because there are so many mental health conditions with similar symptoms that require different treatments it makes me wonder if you are being treated correctly? No one should spend every day of there life preferring to be dead and the fact that you have reached out tells me how tired you are of feeling like this too and how much you want this to change and want to feel happier in yourself. I know I want better for you in everyway. Is there anything we can do here that can help you? please keep reaching out to us, we are here, we value you immensely and care. Much Love Lisa xx

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From: Taladien

Hey Graysky,

Thank you for coming here, and sharing your struggles with us today. The fact that you decided to come here and share your story with us, tells me you’re still wanting to spend time here on Earth with us. Despite the pain and struggling that you’re going through. I am glad that you are working with doctors and counselors to try to manage these feelings, but if you feel things are not working well enough for you right now, could to talk to your doctor/counselor about updating your treatment plans? It seems like there’s still room for improvement on trying to get a handle on your emotions, and you have a willingness to make it happen. What can we do to help you along the way? We are always here to listen and support you. We’re here for you, friend. You’re loved, and you matter :hrtlegolove:

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From: twixremix

hi graysky,

welcome to the heartsupport community, my friend! i appreciate you being here and being willing to share what you’re going through. i want to echo everything the wonderful wings shared above… you have a reason for being here, for being alive during a time with great strides in medicine where heart surgeries can be performed, and for being here to share your story that could potentially reach someone facing a similar journey as you.

it breaks my heart to know you’re facing these thoughts on a daily basis. has your counselor suggested a change in medication or counseling style? if not, i highly suggest you look into finding someone who can support you better in these difficult thought cycles. it’s always a beneficial experience for me to hear different takes from therapists and counselors on how they analyze my trauma so i hope you can experience something like that too.

when it comes down to it, we need you here on this earth. i’m glad you’re here though to reach out for help because it shows me that you still have a desire to continue on in this world and to experience the highs and lows it brings. what brings you joy and keeps you here, my friend? i’d love to know what your answer is because i think it speaks volumes about what matters most to someone. i’ll tell you my answer to open things up: what keeps me here is my dog, my mom, brother, and grandma, my friends, learning new things, watching all the good shows/movies, and baking! now how about you? i look forward to hearing from you soon, my friend.

love,
twix

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I can’t be on any new medication because I have heart disease. I will have a stroke with wrong medication. They had to narrow it down for me. I’m in a fight now all by myself. Counseling does nothing but make me repeat myself. I just rather be in heaven

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Hey @Graysky,

How are you doing? I would love to read some updates from you, if you are willing to share.

You are loved. :hrtlegolove: