Suicidal thoughts i guess

[Amaris]

I hate hearing, “You’re not responsible enough” just as much as “You don’t know how to do anything” and “Don’t start with that crying mess again”

I feel like I can’t do anything right. And I’ve robbed of my childhood. I’ve been trying to be an adult since 10 years old. I want to go back, I want to start over. I’m not ready to be an adult, I feel stuck in the same age sometimes. I don’t have time I don’t have time I don’t have time. And I wish I had more time.

And I don’t have anybody. My only save haven who was my dad is a cheater and a betrayer. My brother is definitely not someone you can confide it. And my mother is my biggest critic. I don’t have friends, nothing. My social life is non existent. I am alone, just alone. Always and forever. I think maybe I am a mistake. I’m doing a terrible job in this society and I don’t want to be in it anymore

It’s funny, when I get like this. I almost pray for a sign but I get nothing. Confirming my insignificance. And when I die, I want my remains to be used in a garden. I think it would be my last ditch effort to make something beautiful for others. Because I guess I still want others to be happy

[Micro]

Hey @Amaris,

I see you. I care about you. Your existence matters. You’re far from being insignificant, friend.

Your personal world has been shaken in ways you didn’t ask lately. In your family, there’s been this situation with your dad that creates this intense chaos, yet a chaos that remains mostly unsaid, which is such a huge burden to carry just on your own shoulders. Your perception of your dad, someone who’s been a pillar of security and someone to look up to has changed, and that alone is really heartbreaking. There’s a lot of deep emotions at play. In such circumstances, it’s okay not to be okay. But it’s also because of this environment and stress that you will need, more than anything, to take care of yourself.

Adulting is also hard! So many of us can relate to that feeling. Honestly, I’m a 28yrs old person, yet most of the time I feel like I’m still a teenager. I seek refuge in things that bring me comfort, away from the stress of daily commitments and responsibilities. Being an adult is a pretty wild journey, and I can assure you that even the people who seem to have it all together are also pretty scared and full of doubts sometimes. So, we certainly need a healthy dose of responsibilities, but it’s totally fine to still be a child within. Actually, there’s a spark there that needs to be really treasured! It will help you seek beauty and poetry in places where most adult have stopped to see it.

I promise you that you are not alone. I between many other members here, see your posts and your presence here. You are acknowledged. Your voice is heard. Your pain is felt. Even if we’re not directly sitting next to you right now.

I know it doesn’t replace a physical connection/interaction, but I’d encourage you to hang out with our comunity during the live streams on Twitch if you’re not already there. It’s really a good place and times to conenct with members of our community and decrease this sense of loneliness. I too am pretty lonely “irl”. As I don’t work, my first and almost only direct interactions, face to face, are with my partner. As much as I love him, sometimes I really feel the need to create new connections and have a circle of friendships that wouldn’t imply to only communicate online. However, we still have the chance to have these tools at our disposals, and it can definitely serve us against this painful loneliness sometimes. So, please never hesitate to come hang out during the live streams. I’m looking forward to seeing you there whenever you’d like to.

Here’s the link to the channel and the weekly schedule:

• twitch.tv/heartsupport
• heartsupport.com/schedule

Sending hugs to you.

[Misty]

Hey Amaris! I feel like I can relate so much of what you said! My dad used to say that I was lazy (turns out I have depression!) I hate those unnecessary “criticisms”, if I could even call it that. Instead of saying that, why can’t people just be nice and ask if they need help or guide you through something, or just support you? But I think it’s more of a reflection of them and how they handle things, and has absolutely nothing to do with you. I’m sorry that you’re in this environment, I hope you have ways to stay safe.

I feel the exact same way about needing to be mature at a young age. I feel like for us, it’s a way to survive traumatic circumstances because we can’t really have a childhood. Like Micro said, adulting is hard lol I don’t know if anyone actually knows what they’re doing at this point, I’m just winging it

And I’m the exact same with my social life… but I’m keen to be friends with you! I don’t think you’re insignificant, I think there’s a place for you in this world. I think that even in your darkest moments, you still want to give back to people which I feel is really selfless (if that’s the right word?) and I think that in spite of it all you just want everyone to be happy. I think that’s a strength, because there’s a part of you that cares about other people and that’s really important in this world. I really feel for you, Amaris, and I echo Micro in saying that you’re not alone.

Also I watched one of the HeartSupport streams on Twitch and if it’s your thing, I highly recommend it. I’m trying to catch another one but timezones lol