You guys remember the show Fresh Prince of Bel Air, from like the 1990’s or whatever? Yeah that’s where I got this from, to try to add some laughter to a serious and soon to be intense post.
“Now, this is a story all about how, my life got flipped-turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there. I’ll tell you how I became…” the person that I now am today. So what is it… Where am I at today?
I have found myself isolated once again. Now usually when I say isolated there’s two guys that I’ve stayed in contact through my isolation, but unfortunately I forced myself into isolation from them as well, and now I can see the impact of what it’s done.
Someone I consider to be a mentor in my life has said this for months of us meeting, “It’s not what we talk about when we meet, it’s the fact that I show up every week, and I’m there.” And well that’s so so so true, and I’ve realized it so much more now that we haven’t been talking. And well it’s hard.
It’s hard feeling alone, but only blaming yourself because you’ve pushed everyone away. I’ve spent the last week not eating really, not sleeping, and hoping that I would die. To the point of trying to figure out how I could do it, and started to reason with not being alive. I mean it was easy… I was like would anybody realize… would anyone notice…
It’s hard after you have years and years of built up pain, abuse, anguish, suicidal thoughts, just hit you in the face all at once… And that’s been me for the past week. I haven’t looked forward to being awake, the time I’ve been awake, I’ve been trying to rationalize death.
I didn’t leave my house for days, til someone literally said go talk a 10-15 minute walk. And it was freaking hard. My anxiety sky rocketed, I wanted back in my room in my bed where I was safe. And well I’m honestly just struggling, and don’t really know where to go from here. Today I’m feeling better, but that doesn’t take the pain away, it doesn’t change what happened, and I just don’t know where to go from here!
I’ve written suicide notes, and tore them up, wrote more, and tore them up again. The pain in the notes are true, the feelings are true feelings, but they hurt. They really really freaking hurt. So I just don’t know anymore. I need somebody help! Somebody to see my pain, and to maybe believe this isn’t the end. Even when everything else says, give up, follow through, and end it all.
Also after being clean from pills and self harm for quite some time, I’ve relapsed on both multiple times this week. So that’s super freaking discouraging and I just feel lost. I don’t really know what to do or where to go from here.
Love you guys though!