Suicide Notes and Failed Recovery

You guys remember the show Fresh Prince of Bel Air, from like the 1990’s or whatever? Yeah that’s where I got this from, to try to add some laughter to a serious and soon to be intense post.

“Now, this is a story all about how, my life got flipped-turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there. I’ll tell you how I became…” the person that I now am today. So what is it… Where am I at today?

I have found myself isolated once again. Now usually when I say isolated there’s two guys that I’ve stayed in contact through my isolation, but unfortunately I forced myself into isolation from them as well, and now I can see the impact of what it’s done.

Someone I consider to be a mentor in my life has said this for months of us meeting, “It’s not what we talk about when we meet, it’s the fact that I show up every week, and I’m there.” And well that’s so so so true, and I’ve realized it so much more now that we haven’t been talking. And well it’s hard.

It’s hard feeling alone, but only blaming yourself because you’ve pushed everyone away. I’ve spent the last week not eating really, not sleeping, and hoping that I would die. To the point of trying to figure out how I could do it, and started to reason with not being alive. I mean it was easy… I was like would anybody realize… would anyone notice…

It’s hard after you have years and years of built up pain, abuse, anguish, suicidal thoughts, just hit you in the face all at once… And that’s been me for the past week. I haven’t looked forward to being awake, the time I’ve been awake, I’ve been trying to rationalize death.

I didn’t leave my house for days, til someone literally said go talk a 10-15 minute walk. And it was freaking hard. My anxiety sky rocketed, I wanted back in my room in my bed where I was safe. And well I’m honestly just struggling, and don’t really know where to go from here. Today I’m feeling better, but that doesn’t take the pain away, it doesn’t change what happened, and I just don’t know where to go from here!

I’ve written suicide notes, and tore them up, wrote more, and tore them up again. The pain in the notes are true, the feelings are true feelings, but they hurt. They really really freaking hurt. So I just don’t know anymore. I need somebody help! Somebody to see my pain, and to maybe believe this isn’t the end. Even when everything else says, give up, follow through, and end it all.

Also after being clean from pills and self harm for quite some time, I’ve relapsed on both multiple times this week. So that’s super freaking discouraging and I just feel lost. I don’t really know what to do or where to go from here.

Love you guys though!

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Hey Olivia!

This is Darian.

Some people will say that they understand the pain, but I’ll admit, I don’t.

But just reading your situation you have gone through a lot.

anytime that someone I know is suffering or going through this, I give them this scripture from John 16 verse 33 which reads “In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world”

You are not alone, and I am here to tell you that there is people who need you to survive.

I have went through somewhat the same situation you are in. But someone who got me through it my friend’s. Speak to someone you can trust. You know you can reach out to me anytime you need it.

But on the drug use, someone who can relate to you is my Pastor, Sam Stow. Pastor Stow used to be addicted to opioids and that caused him to get custody of his daughters taken away. Sam is now completely clean of drugs, but the devil tempts him all the time. Don’t let the devil tempt you!

You are in my prayers!

Love Ya

Message me if you need anything!

I’ve definitely seen your pain before in the ones I love. I’ve lost two uncles to suicide so I make it my duty to help not just myself but also others to get through the darkest times in life. Just know that your loved and if you ever need someone to talk to or you just need to vent, feel free to message me anytime. Much love friend

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Never had an addiction but I know how the thoughts are. I deal with it everyday. To be honest I’m having a little panic attack right now. Lots of people around so I figured to come on the forum and talk to people. I feel when I have good days something in my head just always ruins it. I wish I knew where they come from or why they happen but they just come.
I’d say just try to find a light somewhere in the darkness and go towards it, little cheesy but hope it helps

I’ve been sitting here…trying to find myself… I get behind myself… I need to rewind myself…

^^ these are lyrics to one of my favorite songs. And man I’m so hurt and angry and lost and frustrated and alone and man so many other words.

I can’t find my will to live. The more I think I can fight the harder I fall. I’m literally unintentionally killing myself everyday. The pills are back. I’m not eating or drinking anything. I’m not really sleeping. I’m not going outside or talking to people.

Idk I don’t know what to do to break this cycle of pain and hurt and isolation.

Hi, Monkey

It makes my heart hurt for you because you are struggling so much right now. I wish more than anything I could help take away that pain. I truly know what it’s like to feel so trapped in those feelings. To so badly feel like letting go and giving up. But I hope you know how much this community loves you, appreciates you and cares for you. We would be absolutely heart broken if we ever heard that anything happened to you know. It would truly be devastating. You are such a light and positive force in this community. I see you reaching out to people on the forums, sharing so much heart.

I hope that you will let us return that love back to you. We want to love you, support you, encourage you and be light force for you as you get through this. You don’t have to be alone. I know I’ve said that many times to people. And I may sound like a broken record but it’s TRUE. My heart wants to so badly lift all of these painful thoughts off of you. You deserve to feel happy. With yourself and your life.

I have been in that same trap. Not leaving the house for days. Even lately, I’ve been struggling too. It’s been hard to even get out of my pajamas. I don’t leave my room much except to shower and use the restroom. I’ve been hiding away. Unsure how to handle my pain. But having this community to talk to has seriously helped. Even if just by sharing my heart in the posts that others make who are hurting.

I’m sorry you relapsed. Please don’t beat yourself up. I know the awful dark cloud that comes with the relapse. I’ve been there. I felt so stupid afterwards. But, I also realized that, we don’t need to feel that way. You are human. Yes, you slipped and relapsed, but it’s not the end of the world. Nobody here is going to judge you for that. Instead, we are going to love and encourage you. Help you get back up from your fall. You can come back from this. I know you can.

When I relapsed Dan asked me to read Re-Write. And Kayla checked in on me every couple of days to make sure I was doing my reading. Maybe this would be good for you. Even if you already have read it before. To just go back and go through it again. If you like, I could check in on you as you read through it as Kayla did for me. Just let me know if you’d like that okay? You could even share some of the things you feel here on the forums as you read the work book of Re-Write if you wanted. And let us in during the process. If you’d feel up to that.

Whatever it takes to help you. If you need a friend to help hold you accountable and check on you. Just let me know. I’ll do that for you. Let me know what I can do for you as a friend. And I’ll try my best. Okay? You are worth it.

You are so loved.

  • Kitty

Hey monkey, I’m sorry you are having such a rough time. We are here for you. I promise we are. You are loved by so many. You can do this. You’ve made it this far why not make it even further. Everyday is a new victory every step counts. It will work out.

Love ya,