I can’t say that this is something that I’m not proud of… I mean I’m not, but I also don’t hate myself for it either. I’ve kept every suicide note I’ve ever written, and sometimes when I’m in a good head space I go back and read them and try to assure myself of the truths to fight against the lies in the note.
But tonight I looked back on the most recent ones, the ones written within the last year. And how hard “x situation” was that I was going through, and how I felt so so weak. But then I remind myself how I’m feeling similar or how “x situation” is so similar to what I’m going through now.
Change freaking sucks. People come and go but some things never change. My love for people will never change. There’s people that I love that I will probably never talk to again, whether my choice or there’s.
But not only do I hold onto these suicide notes to remind me of how far I thought I’ve come, but the true reminder is how things will never get better, how I will continue to be worthless, and how I’ll never truly “want” to live again.
I’ll be honest if I died tonight; nobody would know and the world would be a much better place because I have nothing left to offer this world.
Hey Monkey. I don’t believe that the world would be a better place without you. I want to thank you for the times you replied to my posts in the past, your encouraging words helped me through my struggles.
Sometimes I wonder if hate is better than love. It’s so much easier for me to hate people than to let them in.
You’re not worthless, Monkey. No one sets your limitations but you. You’re a survivor and I admire you for that. Because when I know that you’re still here after the hardships you’ve been through, it reminds me that we’re never as alone as we think and if she can do it, so can I.
I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling worthless and like you don’t want to live
Your idea of looking back at your struggles to ensure you can come out of them sounds really powerful to me. I like that idea! It sucks it lead you down though. Seems like you’ve come up out of this funk before quite a few times!
I think you’ve made quite a splash here in this community. Do you think you’ve contributed nothing here, that you’ve contributed no worth? I’ve only been here for a month or so, but I’m nearly certain people here would miss you if you disappeared.
You said your love for people will never change, and there’s nothing left for you to offer the world… what about offering yourself and those around you your love? That’s tremendously valuable!
What he said.
"I think you’ve made quite a splash here in this community. Do you think you’ve contributed nothing here, that you’ve contributed no worth? I’ve only been here for a month or so, but I’m nearly certain people here would miss you if you disappeared.
“You said your love for people will never change, and there’s nothing left for you to offer the world… what about offering yourself and those around you your love? That’s tremendously valuable!”
He’s absolutely right.
But I’ve accepted my fate. That things won’t get better. That I will always be worthless and unlovable and well that’s not a life that I want to keep living.
I haven’t looked forward to life in a long time, and well something has got to give before I do.
This community will move on without me. There’s plenty of other better, nicer, more stable people in this community other than me that can help you guys.
But I’ve accepted my fate. That things won’t get better. That I will always be worthless and unlovable…
That’s what I’m most concerned about. You’ve accepted beliefs that bring you down, but could it be that some of these beliefs are wrong, at least partially?
Maybe you’re not as valuable as you could be, but are you worthless? From my very limited perspective, I’ve seen you contribute a lot of worth. Outside this little bit of you that I get to see here on the forums, I’m positive there are multiple things you do to lift others around you.
Maybe you aren’t as loved as you need to be, but I think many people here care about you, including me. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk with you much, but you seem like quite a lovable person to me.
I think it’s really sad, but I’ve had these beliefs about myself, and I’ve had several friends who’ve felt similarly due to being neglected and mistreated at home and by their peers. Do you feel like you’ve been invisible in your past? Maybe the thing that’s gotta give before you start wanting to live and feeling lovable is you gotta start receiving more love, from yourself and others