I will never, most likely, get much closure. The people who hurt me will most likely never be punished, he will never be punished. So now I have to live with all this guilt, pain, and anguish that’s lingering from the actions of other people. I have to continue surviving when I’ve been sucked dry of any sense of self it seems. And they get to continue living their lives, knowing how deeply they and he have broken me not only as a child but as a person and for my current and future self.
I’m self deprecating. I try to substitute my own pain by taking on others. I try and fix everyone else’s pain because I feel it is necessary. I want to help people, I want to make them feel better, get them out of their situation, because I couldn’t do it myself nor could I do it for any of the other kids back then. I feel like I just left them, I realized the truth and never returned and just left them to suffer and rot. I know what hell they’re probably still going through and I’ve done nothing even though I know the truth. I feel like I should’ve done more someway somehow even though I’m still completely powerless over the situation.
It hurts me so much to think about all the people and kids who are suffering and have suffered and that I can’t do anything about it. People are suffering and I’m sitting at home, peaceful, safe, happy, and full.
I feel like I deserve to be in pain because I’m not doing anything now. That maybe I should hurt myself in multiple ways to substitute for everyone else’s I cannot take. Or maybe I should just suffer to make myself feel better in my own twisted and sick way, because that somehow evens it out in my brain.
I completely disregard and disengage from myself and my own trauma as if I haven’t gone through hell myself. Maybe I’m projecting my needs onto other people, and if I can “save them,” I in turn save myself, which I couldn’t.
I’ve been through these questions before and found the answers and it still doesn’t feel like enough.
Thanks for posting! You’re a brave person to reach out for support. I can identify with this though I know we both have varying degrees of the different things we’ve both been through. I think it’s admirable that you do what you can to help other people and have felt similarly. It’s so hard not to feel like we disregard the pain we hold by helping others or using different things as a distraction. What’s helped me has been the perspective of knowing when we stand up, decide not to numb, and take action to ease the suffering of others we help ourselves. Coupling that with seeking support for the conflicting feelings I have has helped me immensely.
Though it can be hard and I too find myself thinking “why, WHY did no one give me this when I was younger” when I’m giving it to others. I find myself increasing my level of ease in the fact that I do more for others because I don’t want to see others suffer. Therapy has helped me a lot with these perspectives, and challenges the negative thoughts I have on them.
You know you’re very strong, and brave. You have courage to help others instead of breaking down. And we all stumble cause it can be a difficult path. The last part I’d have to say is that for me it gets easier the more I work on the perspectives that challenge those thoughts. It sucks, but it gets easier the more I work on it.
I can tell you do good things, are capable of greatness, and have courage. Please keep it up and keep working on it! I believe in you!!!
First of all, I am very proud of you for being so vulnerable and for taking the time to write about what you’re feeling and what you’re experiencing. It sounds like you are going through a lot of emotional and mental pain at the moment, and I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. However please know that you are so brave, and you will get through this with enough patience. If you need someone to talk to then I’m always here to listen, as I know how important it is to feel heard. You’ve got this!