look, this is long and I don’t really know what it is
I find myself in this place where I know all the right things to do. I know all the things people will say. (that’s not fair though, is it? Because I don’t know what people will say.) I know that I am doing all that I can. I’ve dumped the same information on so many people already, I don’t know what I’m even looking for at this point. But for various reasons I’ve got all this stress and worry and nowhere to put it. So I’ll put it here.
I’m really not alright. If I didn’t have a supremely supportive husband and an adorable 4-year-old, or my friends who listen to me repeat the same stress over and over, I would be in a real crisis situation. As it stands, I feel like I’m only just keeping my head above water. I’ve noticed this is a common thing. I will eventually feel like I’m drowning, or spinning, or just totally out of control and wondering how the hell my life got to where it is right now. How can I just info dump on like… everyone I know and still feel this pressing, crushing, stress in my chest? How can I keep feeling so alone, and lost, and overwhelmed and also KNOW that I’ve got all these people here with me, or replying to me, loving me, praying for me. Do I not believe them? Is it just not enough?
Why do I sit here and rehash what I’m trying to say over and over yet the words never feel right. They don’t match. They don’t “get” what I want to say. Is it all in my head? Why do I fell this deep need to info dump? Ok, well, it’s because I need to rehash it over and over and over until I can get myself on board with how I feel. I guess that’s what happens when you grow up with people who never believe you. I just say the same thing a million times until it sounds true to me or I just don’t feel it anymore. Who knows anymore.
I worry about posting details publicly because the stress involves others, but they have their own context and no matter what I say people will only get a small glimpse of them. So, even if they are a direct cause of…. Whatever it is I’m trying to convey here, I still don’t feel like it’s right of me to create a space that allows conversation about them, since they’re not here to speak for themselves, much less the missing context that could inform others, but is impossible for me to convey here.
That said, we’re more than likely being forced to move back in with some family, who are mentally and emotionally manipulative and abusive. And, as stressful and apparently harmful for my mental health as this is, to express why any further means exposing some personal struggles and personal details that just feel like they are not mine to share, but are directly causing massive amounts of tension.
I was about to say maybe it’s not all a big deal and I’m attention seeking. but man, isn’t that such a common thing around here? I see it in a lot of posts. I’m not attention seeking. I’m trying to put all of this out of my head somewhere before it truly, honestly, destroys me. We’ve been here for over a year. We had moved out, had a space of our own, sort of, but that’s not the case anymore. This tension has been ever present for over 12 months just… there. Under the surface, kept only at bay by being a cheerleader and support person for my little family because these past 12 months have almost broken all 3 of us in various ways.
But how do you say “I think I’m in a crisis but I’m not actually a danger to myself or anyone around me?” The only thing keeping me one step ahead of a full blown crisis is the knowledge that this will end. It does have an end. I don’t know what it will look like yet, but I’ll get there eventually (I hope. God, I hope.)