"Swim for the music that saves you when you're not so sure you'll survive"

look, this is long and I don’t really know what it is

I find myself in this place where I know all the right things to do. I know all the things people will say. (that’s not fair though, is it? Because I don’t know what people will say.) I know that I am doing all that I can. I’ve dumped the same information on so many people already, I don’t know what I’m even looking for at this point. But for various reasons I’ve got all this stress and worry and nowhere to put it. So I’ll put it here.

I’m really not alright. If I didn’t have a supremely supportive husband and an adorable 4-year-old, or my friends who listen to me repeat the same stress over and over, I would be in a real crisis situation. As it stands, I feel like I’m only just keeping my head above water. I’ve noticed this is a common thing. I will eventually feel like I’m drowning, or spinning, or just totally out of control and wondering how the hell my life got to where it is right now. How can I just info dump on like… everyone I know and still feel this pressing, crushing, stress in my chest? How can I keep feeling so alone, and lost, and overwhelmed and also KNOW that I’ve got all these people here with me, or replying to me, loving me, praying for me. Do I not believe them? Is it just not enough?

Why do I sit here and rehash what I’m trying to say over and over yet the words never feel right. They don’t match. They don’t “get” what I want to say. Is it all in my head? Why do I fell this deep need to info dump? Ok, well, it’s because I need to rehash it over and over and over until I can get myself on board with how I feel. I guess that’s what happens when you grow up with people who never believe you. I just say the same thing a million times until it sounds true to me or I just don’t feel it anymore. Who knows anymore.

I worry about posting details publicly because the stress involves others, but they have their own context and no matter what I say people will only get a small glimpse of them. So, even if they are a direct cause of…. Whatever it is I’m trying to convey here, I still don’t feel like it’s right of me to create a space that allows conversation about them, since they’re not here to speak for themselves, much less the missing context that could inform others, but is impossible for me to convey here.

That said, we’re more than likely being forced to move back in with some family, who are mentally and emotionally manipulative and abusive. And, as stressful and apparently harmful for my mental health as this is, to express why any further means exposing some personal struggles and personal details that just feel like they are not mine to share, but are directly causing massive amounts of tension.

I was about to say maybe it’s not all a big deal and I’m attention seeking. but man, isn’t that such a common thing around here? I see it in a lot of posts. I’m not attention seeking. I’m trying to put all of this out of my head somewhere before it truly, honestly, destroys me. We’ve been here for over a year. We had moved out, had a space of our own, sort of, but that’s not the case anymore. This tension has been ever present for over 12 months just… there. Under the surface, kept only at bay by being a cheerleader and support person for my little family because these past 12 months have almost broken all 3 of us in various ways.

But how do you say “I think I’m in a crisis but I’m not actually a danger to myself or anyone around me?” The only thing keeping me one step ahead of a full blown crisis is the knowledge that this will end. It does have an end. I don’t know what it will look like yet, but I’ll get there eventually (I hope. God, I hope.)

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It sounds like you really do have reasons to be stressed and frustrated. I think part of it is the feeling that circumstances are beyond your control.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if we are stressed and depressed because of circumstances, or the circumstances are difficult because we are feeling stressed and depressed. Regardless of which it is, I think you should talk to a doctor or therapist. The way you are feeling can affect your body in negative ways. It can mess with your digestion, immune system, and concentration. Then you have a negative feedback loop, where feeling bad or just blah physically, feeds distress and depression, which in turn makes the body feel worse.

The wonderful thing about this place is that it is anonymous, and others understand a person’s need to vent. I think most of us realize there is more than one side to every story.

Attention seeking is just another way to make it known that there is a genuine and unfulfilled need. I hope you stick around, to get your needs met. That’s the reason this forum exists.

You are absolutely right! Still, if hanging around here and blowing off steam helps, by all means, do it.

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Thank you for replying. :slight_smile:

You’re right. It’s definitely time to speak with a professional. Even with the anonymity of this place, even with the ability to create a new name nobody even would know, I would still feel horribly if I created an incomplete picture of someone. I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense, but that’s really just more I should bring up with a professional, I suppose.

Also, you’re right. I’m not sure which way around all of these feelings start but they’re here now. And I guess that’s what matters most so I can deal with them now

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Dear @Jezliee,

No you’re not attention seeking. And what you describe makes sense in light of, as you said, growing up in a place where your voice was not acknowledged, heard or believed. It’s the kind of wound that tends to stick to us as grown adults. You’ve learned so many other different experiences since then, but there is still this big hesitation when it comes to being vulnerable, still a lot of doubts when it’s about choosing the right words, and the fear of taking up space, of being misunderstood so even more hurt, of not expressing things the right way, of being unfair just for having feelings, of… of…

There’s so many thoughts and doubts that tend to build up like a giant wall while trying to reach out and express yourself. But no matter how unpersonal or undetailed way you would reach out, the fact that you have posted this is already a step taken in the way to learning how to manifest you own vulnerability in safe places. I remember how my way to reach out could be a huge pile of nonsense before, especially when I was a teenager. It made sense to me because I knew the context and was more than aware of what was going on in my life and mind, but the road to get to actually disclosing it seemed to be full of so many obstacles. I was super good at reaching out through kind of riddles.

You see a path from a point A to point B, a very clear, strong and straight path to follow. But once you start to walk on it you end up making all of these detours that make it look like a very accidented road, to the point of wondering if you’ll ever get to your destination, which is to clearly state what’s going on and what you need. When we are not used to it, reaching out feels like being in the middle of a maze with plenty of signs made of fears, doubts, even self-deprecation and self-gaslighting.

You’ve reached that destination today, and it’s okay if you didn’t share a specific context here. It’s okay to drop hints here and there in order to see if people are going to listen, to stay, to be patient and to actually support you. You may know that it’s the case already here, but there’s still a need to practice a little more, so you can develop new automatisms when it comes to using your own voice for you. I don’t think it’s a matter of not believing in the love and care you’ve been receiving. It’s just a weird process to not only realize that there is more that what we’ve been used to believe most of our life, but also to really internalize it progressively.

Venting over and over about things that are stressing you and hurtful for you is also okay. It shows that there’s also a sense of helplessness that tends to hit us when we feel stuck in circumstances that are mostly beyond our control. Wings expressed it beautifully, and it’s amazing that you now come to the conclusion that your present right now might be a good time to see a therapist, just because it’s a different type of help that they can provide, and a different type of guidance too.

You’re doing better than you think, Jez. It may not be a direct affirmation, but when you say: “But how do you say “I think I’m in a crisis but I’m not actually a danger to myself or anyone around me?””, you’ve just said it. Very clearly. And kowing a bit of your context, I’d say that it truly makes sense to feel that way. There’s a flavor of emotional burn-out there, and that’s probably the most human reaction you could have. No attention seeking. Nothing to be invalidated. Only emotions that most of us would probably feel as well under the same circumstances.

I think this reply looks like a pile of remblings, lol, but I guess all of this to say that I’m super proud of you for reaching out. This inner dialogue that you’re experiencing, wondering if you should or shouldn’t talk, and where, and how… also shows that you know your voice has to be heard. Some old patterns are already broken down. What comes next, is to allow yourself to practice in places that might be a little less comfortable than with closed friends or family, and with someone who would encourage you to also take uncomfortable steps, but ones that would only strengthen your own growth.

I believe in you. And please know that venting, repeating the same things, is never too much. It’s the circumstances that are what they are, that bring frustration. Not you. Not the beautiful human being that you are. When you trust others with yourself, you only gather a team around you, which is something we all need when life becomes very challenging. It is our honor to be trusted by you.

Love you. :hrtlegolove:

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Love you, friend!

Thank you for all of your amazing support Here and elsewhere. I hope you know how deeply appreciated it is.

It doesn’t look like ramblings to me at all! I definitely read and appreciated every single word. I’m going to set up an appointment with a professional, because then I won’t feel the weird tension of potentially writing out something that makes people think poorly of someone else, just because of what I said. Maybe that’s overly concerned given… how I feel apparently… but it still feels important.

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Maybe that’s overly concerned given… how I feel apparently… but it still feels important.

If it feels important, then it is. And you know, I think it’s simply the manifestation of how thoughtful and caring you are, even in the midst of situations that involves something unfair and/or disagreements. It only inspires respect.

I hope that connecting with a professional is going to be a smooth but nurturing process for you. You know you have an online fam’ here as well, no matter what. :hrtlegolove:

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My parents were really messed up. Problems included depression, alcoholism, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. I was also molested by a family member. Despite that, I am sure that within them existed what Abraham Lincoln described as “better angels.” I’m pretty sure that if they felt they had a choice, they would not choose to be so dysfunctional. I also believe that the “better angels” within, would very much want me to talk about my experience with them, if it helped me to recover emotionally.

What I have reported about them certainly puts them into a terrible light, and there were good things about them at times. However, when seeking support, priority needs to be given to the problems that need to be addressed, rather than talk about other things about them that were not an issue.

As difficult as it is to communicate a complete enough picture of one’s self, there can be no expectation of providing a complete picture of someone else. A professional knows that a person seeking help isn’t going to provide a complete picture of those who are causing distress.

The essential thing is to provide a picture that is as complete as possible about yourself, how you are feeling, and the experiences that brought about such feelings. If you can’t talk about the experiences that no doubt involved other people, the therapist will have very little to work with. I doubt that it will work out very well if you approach a therapist and say “I feel bad, but I don’t want to tell you why, because it involves other people.”

Whether or not those other people change, your ability to protect yourself emotionally will make the situation better than it would otherwise be.

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“Better angles” is a great way to phrase it and I really appreciate the reminder to me (and I suppose anyone who reads this) to always keep in mind that everyone you meet or read about has an entire life of influence that should, in some way, be considered.

I appreciate the perspective! Thank you for bringing it up. :slight_smile:

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