Talking to people, has exaughsted me.
It’s not only too much social anxiety, but there’s always too much drama, and then you start realizing the people you’re talking to are stuck up narcissists and egotistical pricks who don’t even realize they’re causing their own issues, or simply are manipulative enough to pin it on someone else.
We started joining voice chat the past couple of days to get us back into the act of learning to socialize. We felt really safe in this server, and started to trust it and decided to join and talk. It was a big mistake to say the least.
This always happens, I go somewhere I think I’m safe, open up, and then realize I’m not safe at all, and not only that but I’m sourrounded by a bunch of assholes who use social manipulation for their own benifit. And that stuff just exhausts me. Not only does socializing make me depressed by the end up it, because I always expect it to go well and then am dissapointed with my observations of their actions, but I’m also just tired of continuing this cycle of trying to rehabilitate myself back into society only to learn it’s just as shitty as it was when before I had reclused myself.
They start off by seeming kind and knowledgeable, mature and charasmatic. They give advice about acceptance and equalness, but the more you look between the lines you can read their actions. They say all this stuff, but they act the opposite. You begin to see how they look down on certain people, and if they don’t like what someone is talking about, they’ll purposefully ignore them and change the subject, blaming it on “mic issues”. We can all clearly hear the person who’s so happy to talk about a game they’re developing and ya’ just ignore them, deliberalty. Not only this but you’ll watch how they are very openly egotistical, but finish every dickish comment off with a “You guys are so awesome, all of you are loved”.
When we joined the VC we mostly didn’t chat, we wanted to, but we we’re scared of talking so we just observed most of the time. The more and more we observed we noticed the only time we felt uncomfortable talking was when that one person was in the call. They just kinda reigned control over the whole thing. When I decided to start to try talking I would go from letting them finish to trying to talk and everyone deliberalty ignoring me or changing the subject to someone else as well, all because they didn’t find an interest in it. This happened to multiple ppl on many occasions, but ofc the “talkative” assholes don’t notice shit. And when that one guy ends up lashing out at them for it they blame it on one event like they didn’t do it anytime else saying “Oh but I didn’t do anything, besides this guy is weird.” And while you know, that guy is also a prick, they’re also just trying to overcome their mental issues and be a better person, so you end up not being able to tell if one person is in the wrong or the other, because they’re both egotistical bastards that like to measure people’s worth and put them on either pedastools or dark pits, because that’s psychologicly that’s the only way they are capable of seeing the world. But then, when they kick that guy out of the friend group and the guy joins the voice chat and they deliberaltly ignore them and single them out of the group, they still have the fucking nerve to say “I want everyone to know in this voice chat that I love you and I wish you well.” After they had demeaned and tanrished and gaslighted not only me, but other people to trash this friendship, ignoring them and leaving them out saying they think they’re “weird” and “bad”. Is this hypocritical or do they really think they’re capable of caring about someone after getting rid of them.
I really wanted to make friends with these people,
I really wanted to work on socilization, I really wanted to be apart of a server, but it seems more and more that people are just toxic to be around. Maybe it’s just my anxiety making it seem bigger, but I truly did not feel welcome.
At some point the mods started slandering me just because I’m American, throwing derogitories and calling me a degenerate bc they have no self control and can only see someone as a nationality rather than a person. And while yea, I get it, I honestly really do hate my own fucking country bc of the boomers who caused all this shit, I hate the way people brought this place up and the way they have treated others with their stupid fucking textbook Bibles and their dumb fucking hats and their stupid fucking reasons for treating someone like they’re not a human being, not all of us are like this. I get they’re mad at what people have done but again, why are you mad at me? Chill the fuck out, you’re like demeaning half of your entire server because of “Cultural differences”. I’d feel bad but Kio says to stop doing that because then I’ll just hate myself even more. Why should I feel bad because of you?
The more I participated and went into this servers community, the more I learned is that most of this server is full of egotistical narsassistic pricks and the mods need to chill the fuck out because they’re so full of hatred they can’t see another person as just a person. I mean I get you’re mad but dude learn to calm the fuck down. And so many people here put others on pedastools alot more than I thought. We have always had a bad feeling that this server relies alot on social reputation but now we know for sure that’s how it is. People here are just mentally incapable of enjoying someone else’s company if they aren’t “interesting” or “fun” enough. It always dives back down to entertainment. And even if you try to, at that point they’re more likely to forget your name and mistake it for someone else. You always end up being a ghost. Ugh. Maybe I should stop complaining and just get used to not being seen or spoken to, stop talking and just shutup. What I noticed with the other guy is that apparently no one liked when he talked about philosophy or social reflections. So talking about this is most likely annoying in and of itself.
Over our whole experience with this server, it has made us begin to worry about the communities people in general. Are we a part of a community that is just full of more sociopathic dickheads? Is it that just the voice chatters are assholes or is our entire community something we have to hide from as well.
I really love the community I’m apart of, it’s dedicated to systems like us, and it’s one of the most well behaved servers, but, might it be better that we just stop talking there? It’s… Terrifying to think, that, our community might be full of people who are incapable of empathizing with anyone but themselves, but talking like they care about people and are mature when they aren’t. That, the reason they are apart of the community, is because they are incapable of caring about anyone but themselves, and it’s possible that they joined because of that so they could look only within them and not out to others. Because the more I think about it, it makes sense that a self absorbed egostical narssistic prick would join, but there are also people like me, who have been hurt by them, tried to find peace by looking within, found this place and that’s why we joined. But now it’s making me question myself as a whole. I’m just… I’m scared I joined a community that’s just full of more dickheads, and that yet again, I’m going to be sourrounded by them. But, this community is a part of my life, it’s extremely informative and useful for us. But, it has deeply hurt me, and greatly dissapointed me. People are just… Horrible.
Like my whole life I’ve had people purposefully ignoring me and calling me a dead ghost, and while I thought that maybe after all those years when I’m grown up talking to adults, it would have changed by now. But no. It hasn’t. People still hate me, they just don’t like me. They don’t want me to talk. And it makes my social anxiety even more fucking worse. Cuz then when I meet someone who actually likes talking to me, I’m so unsure and nervous that my body is literally shaking and shivering like I’m cold, and I don’t know what to say anymore. I used to love talking, I used to have so many things to say. But all those words are now just typos and messages and long essays because I had taught myself to not speak for so long, and Mori threatining me to not talk to people for so long, that now I literally cannot carry a conversation. So, why talk at all?
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been thinking for a long time that I should stop speaking. When I think about it, speaking always gets me into trouble. It makes me socialize, open up to people, get hurt, be blamed, be hated. I’ll either say stupid shit or get too comfortable and talk too much, or talk about stuff that isn’t interesting to them. Cuz when I try to talk idk how to talk properly bc I’m so socialy inept that I’ll either stumble my words or accidently make someone mad and then get mad at myself for it. And when it comes to voice chatting or phone calls, I’m a lot lot worse. But then all people are telling me is that I should talk to people, and I should open up, when all I’ve seen is that bad shit always happens when I start opening my mouth. They’ll hate me, threaten me, manipulate or gaslight me, mock me, tear me down, tell me to shut up. But while I say this, Kio is saying I am worrying too much bc to him I was doing just fine, and we were around some shitty people and I’m beating myself up about it. But I think he’s wrong since I was quiet alot and the only times I unmuted myself in call was when someone was dealing with something or when I was attempting to try and go along with the convo for just a few seconds. But then Kovu says that it doesn’t matter how it went the point is that I tried to talk and it would have gone okay if it wasn’t for them. Niko says I worry too much and he hopes I feel better because I beat myself up over everything too much and I should learn to look less deeply into things. And while all of these things have a point the biggest underlying thing I’ve seen is that when I don’t talk to anyone but my headmates, I worry less and I have more fun with them than outside people. That when I have no social interaction I’m much calmer and I’m no longer worrying about anything, and once I start talkign to people again I’m anxious for days on end, and a deeply severe bad thing can impact me for months even if the event itself was just a few seconds or just a few words.
Using my voice always causes bad things to happen. And while I’ve spent my life wanting to just talk and be accepted, is it really worth it? Is it worth all this effort to hide myself and wait a long time, come back out, and find the world hasn’t changed at all? It’s just as shitty and twisted and sick as it was when I started hiding. I encourage people to see the good in the world when I struggle to always see the good in it myself. I’m so… tired of it. Talking to people, ligitametly makes me want to kill myself. People are horrible. People are disgusting. People are fucking deranged as hell. No one minds their own business and everyone starts drama. They harass you, they stalk you, they fucking obsess over you, they look down upon you and ignore you, and cause all this fucking chaos and fucking tell you that YOU’RE the one causing drama, when you FUCKING just want to be left the FUCK alone. Or simply be FUCKING accepted as another FUCKING human being. And then they stop and wonder “Why do people always say I did something wrong” and other people burst out of anger and lash out, all because no one is mature enough to stand up to their own actions and say “Okay, I’ve fucked up.” And change. And the people that do try, or haven’t fucked up yet, are treated like shit. This world is horribly wrong, people are horribly disturbed, all the world needs is a little more maturity and a fuck ton of less insanity and none of this shit would be happening, because of past global genocides and stupid parents and fighting and anger and illness has caused all of these terrible things that make people so angry and chaotic and horrible, and no one just wants to sit in front of another person as a human, they just want to fight like little children and fucking rule over everyone and everything until the world fucks itself over. And literally no one will give a shit until they’re writing in agony because the world is burning and it’s what everyone asked for but what no one actually wanted. All because we couldn’t just make peace. I hate people. I want nothing to do with anyone. This is why Mori hates the world so much, and why they despise humans.
Although I wish for people to be happy, they don’t wish the same for others, they see negativity in even the positives, and I am so damn tired of it. Because even if I wished for people to be happy, and it worked, they’d still find a reason to consider it demeaning and idiotic, and lash out because they think I’m insulting them. I still wish for people to be happy, and try to help others, I just know now that I can only do my best and that most people might see that as really childish.
-X
I missuenderstood the topic you have send I am sorry… There is a part 2 of the responce where I adress this. Sorry 
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) Love you