Talking more about the trama

Hi it’s me again,

I need some advice on what to do. So my post was about the trama I’m still effected by because of an emotionally abusive relationship I used to be in from 2018 to mid 2020.

Long story short I come to find out a really good friend of mine is now with that abusive ex and it’s like I can never get away from him. Because he’s like a fly that never goes away. It’s sad :disappointed: that my friend is going through the same abuse I went through with the same person. I just want my friend to get out of that toxic relationship before she has the same trama I still deal with. I would also like to note :memo: my friend has been with the same abusive ex earlier this year before I started dating my current boyfriend. I also have warned this friend before and she has listened to me and gotten away before she was in the manipulative and toxic cycle of being emotionally abused.

Is there anything I can do to help my friend get away from the abusive ex and how can he get away from me for good?

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, Legacylex! I am so sorry that you went through that with your ex and that your friend has fallen into the same trap despite your warnings.

Unfortunately I don’t know how much more you can do for your friend. If you feel able to do so, you can find some articles online with stories from others who experienced what you went through so that you can send them to her and she can look for the signs early on from him that it is happening to her so that she may be able to leave before it gets too bad. Beyond that it is ultimately your friend’s life and her choices.

For the sake of your own mental health and recovery I think the best thing for you to do is to remove yourself from the situation. Try what I said or something similar with your friend and then tell her that you cannot be a part of her life while he is in her life. Leave communication channels open or say something like “If you need me, I’m there. But as far as our friendship goes we have to put it on hold while you are in this relationship”. Be kind but firm and follow through. You have the power to remove him from your life. Sadly that just currently seems to include temporarily removing your friend as well.

I, of course, cannot tell you what to do and I hope you take this advice as simply one stranger’s suggestion and opinions. It can be so hard for some people to recognise abusive relationships. A friend of mine didn’t know she was being abused until I shared online stories from other’s who went through similar things.

I am so proud of you for escaping your abusive relationship and I hope you can find a path you are okay with that will remove him from your life once and for all. Good luck to you and to your friend. Hold fast :hrtlegolove:

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Hi there @Legacylex , I’m so grateful that you’re here sharing this with us.
This was such a powerful post, and i’m so very sorry that your friend has succumbed to the traps of your ex!!

I have some thoughts on this! FIRSTLY: You must stay away from getting involved directly with that guy. You must protect your own mental health and wellbeing and stay away from him in case he triggers some of the old wounds he caused. My suggestion includes reading up on some of the behaviours you had experienced, and I need you to be able to handle reading those things without being triggered or being hurt by the memories, This is really important, because I don’t want you to lose any of your progress!

SECONDLY, to help you friend:
I would suggest you take a fact based approach to it, not emotional. If she is being abused as you were, her emotions are being manipulated and skewed by her affections/love for this guy. Hopefully cold hard facts will be something she is able to respond to.

Here’s what I suggest you do:

  1. Goggle “surviving Emotionally abusive relationships”, find articles/research that list how these relationships LOOK: (for example)
    https://mindwellnyc.com/how-to-heal-from-emotional-abuse-in-relationships/
  1. List some of the stuff you had experienced (She may already be aware of some of the stuff you went through when you were in a relationship with this guy? If so, mention those events, as facts).
  2. Show her the patterns of behaviour, as psychologists and researchers have studied and developed, and match your experiences to what is listed
  3. Let her know that this guy will repeat his behaviour and that you want her to know to get out as soon as she starts to see the signs.
  4. You’ll be there for her when she needs it
  5. She has to tell her friends and family what’s going on, from now, because isolation only helps the abuser.

Hopefully by appealing to her logic, the information will reach her and be processed, and she won’t be defensive about it.
It’s a tough situation, but hopefully this information will help her in making the decisions she has to in the future.
I’m glad you got out and hope you’re doing well!!

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Hey Legacylex,

Wow, I’m so sorry that you have been going through so much with your ex partner and then to see that one of your good friends is in a relationship with that same person. That’s a lot. Not just because you know what your friend is probably going through right now, but also to have to see that person again. Getting triggered again because of that person who has hurt you emotionally.

I want you to know that I’m proud of you for getting out of the abusive relationship, and that you are talking with people about this because it’s important to have that conversation. Unfortunately, you are not the only person who has gone through emotional abuse, but having the conversation sometimes helps others to recognize the pattern so that they might not get hurt.

In your post you state that your friend did get away from him before, but that she decided to get back together with them. It’s never easy to see something like that happen. You want what is best for your friend, right? But at the same time, you also have to think about what is good and healthy for you. You shared your story with them. Have you also shared resources with them? Or articles about what typical manipulation tactics are? Like e.g. gaslighting? I know that some people don’t know what emotional abuse is. What it feels like. That feeling when your memories are being questioned a lot of times. Some people don’t know that that is also emotional abuse. So it’s good to have some literature about it and maybe send it their way. You can always do it under the umbrella “I had this negative experience with this person and I don’t want you to go though the same things I did, so here is some information.”

I also understand that you want to help your friend, but unfortunately people can only accept help if they want it. For now I would also take care of yourself. You are one of the victims of abuse and it might be a good idea to take a few steps back from your friend while they are in the relationship with your abusive ex. It might be better for your mental health. I know that that is not an ideal situation, but you can always keep the door open to her if she decides to leave the relationship. Your mental health is the most important though, and I hope you will take care of yourself first however hard that may be.

Hold fast

Hi and thank you. The abusive ex is has been out of my life for almost 2 years. But I feel like he’s like still a fly that will never go away because of my friend who is being manipulated and abused right now.

When I showed her all the signs and even pictures she was saying she didn’t want to lose our friendship because of my abusive ex. In the past and I know she will get all defensive if I bring up the topic again.

Even the guy that really likes her keeps telling her she’s just being manipulated and used but she won’t listen to him or anyone for that matter.

With that friend being involved with my abusive ex it’s not good for me because it brings me back memories of when he used to Emotionally abuse me. I just want her to get out of the toxic relationship before she gets hurt. She doesn’t see the red flags :triangular_flag_on_post: I do and everyone else does. Because her mind is being manipulated right now.

I was even thinking about sending her a text of all the facts about how he used to abuse me.

does she have family you can talk to?
She needs a support system to be there for her. And yes, talking about this will be hard for you, and I’m so sorry that he’s still in the realm of things that overlaps with your life.

She needs to have the info where she can see it and have her other family and friends to be aware of the signs to look out for, etc. So sorry for her, but info and facts are the best way to tackle it I can think of. Let us know how it goes if you want.

She does have a support System with family and friends but she doesn’t want anyone to know she’s with my abusive ex. Because 1 she knows her friends who are also my friends don’t like the ex and 2 he probably wants to keep it a secret so he can keep abusing her.

Ik I can’t control who she’s with but I just don’t want her to be involved with that man anymore. She even told me one day when me, my current boyfriend and her we’re all having dinner together he was just using her. I told her he’s not worth your time and he’s always gonna be that bad person.