This is something I’ve been monitoring for a while now.
Yesterday I talked to a lecturer about the feedback she gave me to help with my upcoming assignment. The whole time before speaking with her I felt nervous and shaky. It doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve had her last year and she isn’t a bad lecturer at all. The chat we had was fine and extremely helpful. I was in her class after the chat and it was more relaxed. I even contributed to discussions.
Today in a different class I felt the same way when asking a question. My heart beats so fast and I’m afraid my voice shakes. I don’t know why. The lecturer for this class is great and I don’t think anyone will make fun of me.
Now I’m messaging a semi-new friend about something I’m going through. I guess this interaction made my blood feel cold and made me extremely nervous because I’m scared he’ll think I’m stupid, or he’ll shun me, or I write too many messages. The interaction so far is going well as I type this but god im just getting this feeling a lot when im talking to people. I think I’m scared I’ll lose this friend, because he is nice and understanding and I don’t want to push that. I’ve had friends before who have been lovely at first but had less and less patience with me. I feel like I do not have the mental and emotional capacity to form new relationships only for them to break. I’m starting to regret opening up to this person, even though he seems like his replies are genuine. I suppose it’s normal to feel nervous about the start of friendships, and testing the waters to see what I can talk to them about. I just think this person is neat and I’ll feel like a failure again if I can’t even have friendships with people who aren’t toxic.
On the other hand, I’m extremely comfortable in having conversations with my best friend. I haven’t talked to him in a while because of different time zones and we’re both busy. He’s been going through a lot and I really want to support him but it’s complicated rn. And I think this relationship with this friend is healthy because it’s the kind where we can stop talking to each other for a while, and catch up without feeling insecure.
My relationships with my irl friends are also doing well I’d say. One of my good friends is asking to hang out, and we both understand that after this busy period we’d make time. Another is being supportive of my uni article and my art.
It’s the same sort of anxiety feeling I’d get when I used to work. I tell myself there really isn’t a threat… but my mind wants to think maybe there is, and it begins raise defences. I try to rationalize, saying I know how to defend myself, I know that these people aren’t going to hurt me, I am being polite and respectful… I don’t understand.
I feel a bit better now but there’s still an underlying feeling. I’ll keep working on my assignment and hope it goes away.