Tapped out

So I know it’s been awhile since I came on here but I just need to type this out because my go to people are available. So here I am, my husband can’t get a hint that I need to be alone and that I don’t want to talk right now because we’ve been fighting the passed 3 days. I’ve been battling a bad case if depression after finding some shit out about my own father and hasn’t given a fuck. But then turns everything on himself so my feelings and emotions aren’t validated. I was just trying to say I needed help with house chores but he barely helps. Hardly does the laundry and never does the dishes. He won’t say it but damn near expects that I do everything because I’m a stay at home mom so it’s my job. Berates and belittles me when his laundry isn’t done or don’t cook every night. I want a partner not a roommate/ another child. I have a toddler that needs constant supervision or he’s getting into things and gets hurt. It’s a vicious circle. He says he loves me but I don’t feel it. He expects an apology to fix everything and I haven’t accepted it because if I do then he thinks he can continue to treat me like crap. I just need something to change because at this point the weaponized incompetence isn’t working for me anymore. I knew he was like his parents but not this bad. But I needed to tap out and walked away before I did something I regretted. I needed to walk away before I went into a bad panic/anxiety attack again.

4 Likes

Thank you for sharing what’s going on in your life. It sounds so hard and you’ve got so much pressure building up.
It sounds like you do a lot of work. It’s not easy running a household and being a parent and everything else life expects you to deal with. I can’t imagine how you’ve been coping.
You make some very good points that your husband isn’t a roommate or another human to look after (toddler). Relationships have to find a balance and even roommates are expected to keep the balance of chores and life. We respect each others boundaries and create a safe environment for each other. Sometimes compromises have to be reached, but it sounds like they fall heavily to one side, and that’s on your side.

Sounds like you’ve tried to talk openly about what you’re going through and what you’re getting back is demands. But then he doesn’t understand why that’s hurting you.

May I ask if you’ve been able to reach out to professionals at all? Perhaps some couples counselling to have a third party mediate and help set boundaries and goals with each other.
Do you also have a good support network at all? Friends you can lean on and talk to?
Again, thank you for sharing with us

1 Like

DinoMomma,

Oh I feel the frustration and pain of what you are telling us. Caring for a toddler is no easy task, especially when you are expected to keep the house, the laundry and the meals all in proper order and preparation. I remember the days of caring for little ones and trying to keep up with the other things as well. When your partner, your spouse doesn’t understand what this all entails, it can completely frustrating. I agree with @Bimini that perhaps, if he’s willing, that counseling may help.

May I ask, have you had any time away from the family? A couple days of your husband being home taking care of the little one and keeping the house while you get away? One of the best ways to gain understanding is to experience life in the other spouse’s shoes so to speak. Is this something you might be able to do? I suspect a day or two away may do you some good and give him some new perspective if you both are open to that idea. But again, perhaps some counseling could be valuable as well. Please let us know how you are doing.

1 Like

I have suggested couples counseling he doesn’t want to do that he blames me and that it’s my problem and I soully need counseling not him. Also counseling won’t work with our schedules I have no one to watch our son and my husband works nights and sleeps through the day.

Unfortunately no I can’t get away. My husband works nights and sleeps through the day. And when has off he sleeps or goes and does stuff by himself. I’m stuck with our son 24/7 365 days. No break. We barely get out the house unless my mom comes and gets us. I don’t drive and if I did we only have one vehicle and he’s already stated that he wouldn’t let me drive it. I barely get time to shower. He won’t do counseling and I have no one to watch our son to even get counseling my mother has limited time she’s got sick parents to take care of and also still works. So I’m stuck.

DinoMomma,

Thank you for answering back. It truly sounds like you are in a tough place with few options for hands on help. You must be very tired. It also sounds like you might be a bit isolated. You mention your mom being able to occasionally help with getting you out of the house. Do you have any friends to spend time with or talk to? Is there anywhere nearby that you and the little one can walk to for outside time?

Since you aren’t able to arrange in person counseling for yourself, there is online counseling you could look into here at this website called Better Help. There are also several resources here such as a list of crisis resources list and a topical list of resources to read through. Perhaps some of those can help. Please continue to reach out to others and keep connections, they are vital to our mental health. We are here to walk this path with you.

1 Like