I am struggling at the moment with feeling of disgust and I am not sure if it is right to be sharing this info here. Maybe I should just shut up and work.
I got a new job after being reluctant to work for such a long time (practically all the time I struggle with working).
I gave an amazing guest lecture to a university and I was recognized for it university wide. I was given a certificate and had my photo taken with the dean. Now I got a job with a university and once I got an official email address with the university I couldn’t handle it.
I don’t know what it is that made me flip out that I became a member of the new university. If I am giving the lecture as a guest I do such an amazing job but now that I am part of the university I don’t feel good about it at all. It’s like I owe something to someone now and it doesn’t feel good.
The irony is that I worked so hard to get a username and password to get into the system and to teach yet once I got it I felt disgusted.
I became practically paralyzed and can’t think straight anymore. All the pride and hard work and satisfaction that I felt preparing for the lecture feels they are gone.
I always struggled with how money works. Maybe getting the username to start teaching cements the notion that I will be exchanging value with other people and I don’t feel the reward for it.
I am sorry if this is triggering for people.
Giving students homework feels like I am stealing from them.
I am really struggling with my new job and it’s not even been a week.
I feel such a failure that I am unable to perform my duties at the job correctly.
Whenever I think that I am in the system now I feel like I am looking into a black hole. It is terrifying, lonely, disgusting, horrible.
So scary and disgusting.
(Funny enough when I selected the dropdown menu to pick a category for this post I felt ashamed that I am asking for support).
Life is a mirage. Once I get to the perceived oasis I find out it’s nothing.
Thanks for reading.