Terrified and disgusted

HeartSupport Support
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Hi everyone,

I am struggling at the moment with feeling of disgust and I am not sure if it is right to be sharing this info here. Maybe I should just shut up and work.

I got a new job after being reluctant to work for such a long time (practically all the time I struggle with working).

I gave an amazing guest lecture to a university and I was recognized for it university wide. I was given a certificate and had my photo taken with the dean. Now I got a job with a university and once I got an official email address with the university I couldn’t handle it.

I don’t know what it is that made me flip out that I became a member of the new university. If I am giving the lecture as a guest I do such an amazing job but now that I am part of the university I don’t feel good about it at all. It’s like I owe something to someone now and it doesn’t feel good.

The irony is that I worked so hard to get a username and password to get into the system and to teach yet once I got it I felt disgusted.

I became practically paralyzed and can’t think straight anymore. All the pride and hard work and satisfaction that I felt preparing for the lecture feels they are gone.

I always struggled with how money works. Maybe getting the username to start teaching cements the notion that I will be exchanging value with other people and I don’t feel the reward for it.

I am sorry if this is triggering for people.

Giving students homework feels like I am stealing from them.

I am really struggling with my new job and it’s not even been a week.

I feel such a failure that I am unable to perform my duties at the job correctly.

Whenever I think that I am in the system now I feel like I am looking into a black hole. It is terrifying, lonely, disgusting, horrible.

So scary and disgusting.

(Funny enough when I selected the dropdown menu to pick a category for this post I felt ashamed that I am asking for support).

Life is a mirage. Once I get to the perceived oasis I find out it’s nothing.

Thanks for reading.

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Hey there,

Welcome and thank you for posting and sharing this here! We are glad to have you here.

It sounds like the actual act of say giving guest lectures and meeting your goals and achieving what you set out to really gives you joy and you are able to feel that sense of accomplishment. However, as soon as it becomes a job it loses its luster. It starts to almost become something you want to avoid. You feel disgusted by it where you once felt energized by it.

Maybe I’m totally of base here, but I am wondering if knowing that you reached what you worked so hard to achieve is causing so much panic and those feelings of disgust because it is now a job? Its now something you are committed to?

I understand how hard it is asking for support. It is never easy to do and can feel super uncomfortable at first. So it took a lot of courage to post here and we are glad you did!! This is a safe place to do so!

Sincerely,
Hannah

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@asude78

First off friend thank you so much for posting this and sharing it with us all that takes a lot. The reaching out for help can always hard and you took that step. We do see that and are proud of you for knowing you needed help.

So I want to touch on this idea of feeling disgust over the job issues you are facing. Personally a week at a job is not easy you have to get more comfortable. You deserve this job or they would not have hired you after that guest lecture. So as someone who myself struggles with feeling good enough at times let me ask you this what standards are you setting for yourself? Would you expect that from a fellow worker, or a random person. I ask that because sometimes we hold ourselves so much higher than others around us so it is extremely to understand you might not have the perfection of this job that you would like but you are doing your best am I correct on that? I think as long as you do try than you are doing what you can. I dont know what part of the college they have you in or what you are teaching but sometimes for me personally I have to find creative ways to motivate myself. Music is one of my big go to because it can strike up ideas or themes I need to touch on.

Overall dont beat yourself for a hard week or messing up some that is apart of being human your not this perfect robot.

Hold fast
Ash

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Thank you for your reply and for reflecting what I am dealing with. I think it is not an easy thing what I am dealing with. I hope to eventually be able to compartmentalize it and adjust.

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Thank you. It is not easy what I am dealing with. I don’t see it being different. But I hope to be able to deal with it somehow.

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@asude78

You are very welcome. I hope you know you are supported.

Ash

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Thank you Ash. I am also grateful that I have a wise mother who’s supportive.

Thanks again.

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Hey @asude78,

The HeartSupport Houston team responded to your post here.

We hope our words help - we’re here to support you.

Hold Fast!

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