(TW for mentions of Self-Harm, suicide, abuse)
(Also, this is loooooooong, sorry)
Hey HeartSupport,
I’ve been a donator and a big fan of this charity for a long time, but have only recently taken the step of getting properly involved in the forums. So I figured I’d introduce myself, share a bit of my journey, and take the opportunity to put some things onto paper that I haven’t for a long time.
First off, Who am I?
I’m a mid-twenties, British citizen, I’m a passionate (but very cynical) Christian, and I’m a Bisexual, Cisgender man (who is married to the most amazing woman I’ve met in my life). I work in Mental Health Recovery for people with complex Personality Disorders, I’m involved in my church worship team, and I enjoy video games, painting Warhammer miniatures, and writing.
I am also on the autistic spectrum, and suffer with severe Depression and Anxiety, which through God’s grace, a lot of lessons learned the hard way, and some good medication, I manage pretty damn well most of the time.
Why am I here?
I was twelve years old the first time I tried to kill myself. My mum and my dad had just had a really scary argument, and I remember being convinced that I would never feel safe in the house again. I ran out of the house in my pyjamas, and rode my bicycle all the way down to the main A-road, which I knew was always filled with cars. I rode against the flow of traffic for about half an hour, and not a single car drove down that road, which was unheard of. I guess this is the first time I ever got it hammered home to me that no matter what I tried to do to myself, God had other ideas.
While I will not say too much about it, because I’ve reached a place of healing for this, I come from an abusive household. My dad was, at that time, a trouble man, and he took his troubles out on those closest to him (namely my mother and I). When my parents divorced (which was absolutely the best thing that could have happened), I was just starting puberty, and looking back, it was about this time that I developed an anxiety disorder. I had always been shy and anxious around other people, because they always seemed to be operating on a completely different wavelength to me. But I became so scared of people my own age that I began to act out, argue with people, and pick fights for no reason, which got me in a fair bit of trouble. I also began to realise that I wasn’t straight, although I had no idea what that looked like. I used to get beaten up a lot at school, to the point where I would train myself not to go to the toilet all day because that was where I’d get hurt.
I made friends with other kids who ‘weren’t straight’, and that’s how I found heavy music. I’d always loved punk and rock, but I found some warped sense of belonging in the Screamo/Metalcore community, and this brought a lot of good things into my life, friends I will always think fondly on, the first man I ever fell in love with, and music that will always have a special place in my heart. It was also the first time I’d ever been around a group of people that glorified self-harm, suicide, manipulative relationships, and that side of the scene that we don’t like to talk about. I was, I think, thirteen or fourteen the first time I ever self-harmed, and to be honest, the friends I hung out with thought it was cool to do it. So I never had a sense that what I was doing was wrong - it was the only logical response to my feeling out of control and like I didn’t belong.
And, to be fair, at this time, I became convinced that God hated me - I was a queer son of a former pastor, so that felt like logic to me. If God hated me, why shouldn’t I hate myself. And as I treated myself like shit, I began to treat others around me like shit, too.
I have always been anxious since then, and I easily fall into depression, and no matter where I moved to, anxiety, depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation have followed me.
Until Jesus, which is the CORNIEST thing I could ever say, but it’s true.
Yeah, I doubt all the time, and have a very questioning relationship with my faith. But all I know for sure, is that he’s real and he loves me.
I used to keep a tally mark on my arm. Every day, for just under a year, that I managed to survive without killing myself, I would carve a tally line into my left bicep - looking back now, it seems stupid, but it made sense at the time.
Now, I was being prayed for in a church when I was 18 (for something entirely unrelated) and my arm started to itch. I got home, had a shower, and fainted, because ever single self-harm scar on my body was gone.
I have been 6 years without cutting myself, and 6 years without a suicide attempt.
Where am I now?
I’ve become so much more comfortable in who I am. I’ve found medication that works for me. I’ve married my best friend. I’m now working with people who struggle so much more than I ever had, and I’m helping them.
I still have really really bad days, and I’m sure when they happen, I’ll reach out here.
But I believe in HeartSupport, I believe in Hurting People Helping People, and
I believe in You
thanks for reading
