*TEXTWALL* 19yo arrogant losers lifestory :)

[x_o]

I’m a 19-year-old boy, I’m not unattractive, I’m not stupid, and I feel shitty. I go to university and am doing my gen eds. I live in a dorm with one roommate that I get along well with but am not close to. I am in my first semester of Uni and doing gen ed classes that aren’t particularly difficult or troublesome. I am good about keeping up in my classes and study when I need to. I feel like the most worthless piece of shit right now, so I’m writing this, probably on an anonymous forum or account so nobody will find out who I am. I feel like this a lot, this isn’t new. I’ve been going in and out of therapy my whole life and I’m on Wellbutrin 300mg to deal with depressive tendencies. My family is loving and support me in the things I do.

My issues come when I become lonely. I lose motivation and I feel a sickness in my chest that makes me want to stop existing. I’m very introverted and am diagnosed with Schizoid Personality disorder. However, I feel like this is very incorrect because I really do want to connect with people. At night I tell myself that I’m going to wake up the next day and go to the gym so that I can stop being a string bean with no confidence and meet people I will like, but I never do. I just reset every day. Honestly, if I was the same person as I was 2 years ago, in my online classes of senior year, not caring about anything and having all the free time in the world, I would be happy right now. But I have changed a lot.

I used to think that the only thing that mattered in life was feeling how you want to feel. I slept in, didn’t care, blew off school, and everything that comes along with that. I’m no longer that person. I want to change the world. I want to surpass my peers and destroy the competition in whatever I do. I don’t care if I don’t end up happy, I want the fire that the people who are great have. I want to “utter a new word” if you will. I don’t care if I die at 21, if I made people remember me and proved that my life wasn’t a series of worthless meaningless events, it would be worth it.

I know it’s a little weird that a depressed person has this goal, but it’s true. I sometimes sprint to reach that goal, when I’m stimulated by something I commit my time and get into it. But eventually, the voices/stimulus fade and it all goes away. Whenever I’m not distracted and I’m alone with my thoughts, things come crashing down.

I have somewhat significant social anxiety. I feel uncomfortable and awkward around people, especially girls (I really don’t understand what they expect). I usually make no effort to interact; I am a loner. When I do, I feel awkward and say things I hate myself for saying because my social skills are slightly unpolished. When I take Oxy, my world changes. I am confident in myself, I initiate talking to people, I am motivated, I play better chess, I am a better person. I know I cannot take this for the rest of my life, I space out my doses for when I need them most, at most 3 or 4 times a week. Another thing to note is that my OxyContin is fake. I know they’re fake; I buy them online for 5 dollars a pill, and don’t test them. Sometimes my pills are incredibly more potent than the last batch even though I haven’t changed the dose. I take 30mg, sometimes splitting it in 2. I don’t care If it ends up having fentanyl. I don’t intend to intentionally overdose, but I fantasize about OD’ing by mistake. I’m kind of bitch made, I don’t have the courage to put my neck in a noose or slit my wrists.

I keep my Oxy in check with an assortment of other drugs. I have crippling sleep issues and take real 1mg Xanax pills to sleep when I have something early the next day. I used to vape weed from a pen a lot, but don’t anymore because I don’t want my roommate to find out that I abuse drugs. I keep ketamine, ecstasy, LSD, mushrooms, and some other random benzos stashed in my personal pill bag, I don’t take them often.

When I’m lonely, I sometimes feel motivated to do really bad things. I fantasize about things that I won’t list here, usually involving causing public chaos and panic, creating disorder. Having an impact on the world, even if it isn’t a good one. I’m not a bad person, and I don’t think I could ever do these things. I could never shoot someone with a gun or slit someone’s throat, but when I think of destroying a stranger’s life indirectly, I feel somewhat satisfied. Whatever, stupid fantasies. If I’m too worthless to make a good impact on the world just make a bad one, right?

I think about killing myself all the time, I know that it would make my people sad, but the world might be a better place. All I do is take from other people, that’s all I’ve ever done and all I see in my future sometimes. The issue is that I’m a bitch, I have no courage. I couldn’t ever, even though sometimes I want to. I mix pills and powders sometimes, not with intent to die, but being okay with that result. I have no skills, no impact, and most importantly, no fire in me to be of any value to this world and I understand this. I think about people thinking about me, mourning my death, and crying for me and I feel a little happier. People who commit suicide, or people who die in general always get painted golden, I’d look prettier in death.

I have 2 friends. The first one is “Jane.” Jane is a free spirit with anxiety, if that makes any sense. She’s loves me and cares about me with her whole spirit, and I’m happy for this. Sometimes I feel like her friendship is wasted on me, someone who will never be the kind of friend she deserves. The second one is “Tim.” Tim is an extremely introverted cynic who has been my best friend since grade school. He is much like me, but he feels genuinely okay to live his life trying to feel happy sometimes and live in comfort. He is a great friend to me and is irreplaceable. However, he is more reserved than Jane, and often doesn’t talk about what is truly on his mind. Both Jane and Tim bring out my relaxed side; they take drugs with me, talk with me, console me, entertain me.

I’ve never had a romantic relationship. I’ve never even talked to a girl in any other manner than formally or as a strict friend. I want a relationship; I want someone to be around to keep me from being alone. Of course, being an antisocial, unapproachable Stringbean doesn’t help. I’m a very harsh judge of people, and the girls who did approach me in high school I had no interest in and turned down by saying “Oof, I need to get to class ttyl.” I regret this, I should have known I’m not attractive enough to turn down that opportunity for experience.

I want to get the best grades in my school, learn Korean, make 7 figures, have a girl who can tolerate me, be in shape, and become president of the world (kidding about the last one). I’ve tried to lower my expectations, but how can I when I can’t even meet a minimum? I judge the people around me; I think of them as insects while I’m just a grimy little centipede born with no venom. I have no right, I know this.

I’m writing this on my bed at 11PM on Saturday night, I got 2 hours of sleep last night and I’ve been sobered for one day. I’m fighting the urge to take half a painkiller; I’m scared of becoming a filthy addict. I know if I take this pill, I’ll become superman. I’ll study, I won’t take no for an answer, and I’ll remember that I can do whatever I set my mind to. Maybe if I’m okay dying at 21 I’m okay with this though? If I do everything in my power to light a flame that isn’t naturally inside me and make an impact on the world in whatever way I can, my death won’t be for nothing. I’ve a little over 18,000USD, if I only buy fake pills, I know I’ll make it for at least 2 more years. I don’t know why I’m posting this, and trust me, if you’re thinking “dude wtf fucking kill yourself,” don’t worry, you’re not wrong. I’m with you. If I saw someone else post this, I would feel the exact same way. I’m ashamed of this action, but I figure if I go this way why not exhaust every resource I can first.

It’s funny because I feel no remorse for other people, judge people 5 seconds after I’ve met them, internally laugh at the failure and misery of other people, and here I am. A worthless human whining about his life in the 90th percentile of household income, with no real problems.

I’m being vague on purpose; I don’t want you to know who I am. I do my best to conceal who I am, but I’m not perfect. You could probably find out if you’re good with networking, I’m counting on you not caring enough to do that.

[ManekiNeko]

Hey and welcome! You have no fear of us trying to figure out who you are, you are more than welcome to remain anonymous!

I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling like your worth isn’t something of value. It’s heart breaking, and I know that I for one am really glad you’re here.
It’s funny how we tell ourselves that we are cowards and gutless for not being able to go through with those thoughts of harm, but I’ve come to find that sometimes it’s a hell of a lot braver to face life and to keep fighting it when it feels like a losing battle.

Do you or have you shared those thoughts with your therapist?

Your friends sound like some wonderful people to have in your life, and so does your family. Do you feel like you have the same impact in their lives as they do yours? And by that I mean, do you feel loved and valued by them or does your mind question that?

I just wanted to thank you for being so open and sharing with us. I really do hope we get to hear more of your story because even if you always remain anonymous, you are still a living being that deserves love and support.

[x_o]

Thanks for the warm welcome. I appreciate your considerate response and kind words. I don’t like to talk to therapists about suicidal ideations because that raises red flags for them. I love my friends dearly and I think they care about me a lot. When I went to university I put a lot of distance between them and I, and it’s harder to stay in contact. I think they realized that counting on me to be considerate of them isn’t working and they’ve found comfort in other things. Then again, this could just be an intrusive thought. I do question their love and support for me in my loneliest times, but I truly do love and appreciate them.
I felt really bad yesterday and I’ve never done anything like this before, but I really appreciate your thoughtful reply. With a life and responsibilities of your own, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my brain dump of pure negativity and allowing me to see my life through your lenses. Thank you

[ManekiNeko]

You are always welcome to share when you need to! It’s understandable that you’re worried about raising concerns with your therapist, it’s not always a comfortable situation especially if you just want someone to listen. I hope this space is a safe place for you to share!
You’re right that having studies and travelling for uni makes it hard to keep close contact with friends, and im sorry it’s been hard on you. Do you have some friends at uni as well?

[SheetMetalHead]

I’ll do the best I can here, but I’m running on 2 hours of sleep and dealing with massive brain fog. Luckily I know you can relate

I was a lot like you back in my uni days. I didn’t use drugs, but I was depressed, afraid of putting myself out in the world of dating, and felt expendable in my group of friends. I was really good at finding others’ faults (and still am), but I knew that however flawed my peers were, I was worse. I wondered who would cry at my funeral if I didn’t wake up one day. I wanted to do so many ambitious things, but my self esteem was so cripplingly low that I didn’t bother to apply myself because what was the point? After a year or so of being out in the “real world” , I was convinced that my dreams were just fantasies, and those fantasies were beyond my abilities. That sense of hopelessness shut me down, and eventually I only left my dorm to eat.

After 6 years in 3 colleges, with one associate’s degree and a forfeited academic scholarship to show for it all, I finally broke. I dropped out and began my life as a second-tier bottom feeder in the world of engineering. I could have kept working at the car dealership where I worked part time, but I figured if I was going to be a loser I might as well work in my field of interest. Then I started asking questions about what I was working on. I started applying those lessons to other projects, then took the lessons I was learning and came up with new ideas. I became a valuable member on the teams I was on.

Fast forward 10 years and 4 jobs: my business card says “mechanical design engineer.” I make as much money as my degreed peers. I sit equal at the table with degreed engineers and make valuable contributions. I field recruiter calls weekly. Not having a degree kept a lot of doors shut, but the ones that opened were with companies that cared more about my aptitude than my credentials. They were willing to take a chance on me and invest in me.

All that to say, don’t tell yourself you can’t accomplish your dreams just because the path you’re on isn’t panning out. You don’t need a degree to make 7 figures, learn Korean, meet a nice girl, or be in shape. You need goals, determination, and patience. It worked out for the people below!

This isn’t a happily ever after tale. My life has not been up and to the right. I’m married, successful, and pretty happy with my body, but I still struggle with a lot of doubts, insecurities, bad coping mechanisms, and the ghosts of mistakes past. I’m staring down 50+ more years of trying to stay alive and matter, and it’s terrifying. The idea that adults have “made it” or “figured it out” is a myth. I don’t know what I’m doing now anymore than I did at 19, I just have a lot more shit that I’m responsible for–a job I need to show up for every day, a mess of people and things demanding pieces of my paycheck, and possessions like a house and cars that need upkeep. That’s life though. It’s better than the alternative, even if it still sucks sometimes. In a way, it’s good that there is no “having made it.” What would life be if I figured it all out at 34? Boring and unfulfilling. I keep figuring things out, keep getting more awesome, and build on that knowledge and experience to keep spiraling up.

I know you’re probably sick of hearing this, but it’s okay to not have your life figured out at 19. You have another 60+ years to “have it figured out.” You have a chance now to explore the world and see what’s good before you put yourself in a trajectory tube that’s really hard to break out of. What’s more, my hot take is that taking a break from school is your lowest-risk option right now. School will always be there to return to, your credits don’t expire, and if you take a break then you won’t be throwing money away while you bang your head into a wall. The idea that you need to finish university immediately after high school and get started on a career path by the time you’re 22 is a narrative that’s pushed by parents and guidance counselors and academic advisors and other people upon whom your accomplishments reflect well. Fuck em. You are not your accomplishments, you are a person. Life is not guaranteed to be happy, easy, or smooth, but there’s enough adversity without trying to force yourself through something that makes you profoundly unhappy, like secondary education. Go make your own mistakes, not the mistakes other people are setting you up to make.

[x_o]

The way you described your attitude towards the world in your uni days resonates. I know that I’m only 19 and don’t need to have my life figured out. However, I can’t stop thinking about how many resources I have and how I’ve squandered them. There are people less fortunate than me who if they had what I have, the good upbringing, the support, the privilege of attending a university, I know that they would do amazing things. I feel like being, as I’ve heard, “only 19” is just another excuse for me to be lazy and makes me feel sick.

I think something you don’t realize about me is how incredibly worthless I am in a technical sense. You were able to achieve a role in an engineering role despite not having a degree, that says more good about you than getting the same role with a degree. It’s interesting that you say this because Jane did something very similar to what you did. I didn’t believe it when she told me she didn’t go to college at all, and works as a team leader in a large tech org; this seems to becoming a viable way to make a living out of pure merit rather than relying on a certificate of achievement. I look at the world around me, my sister, a dedicated student who commits her souls to the books, my mother, a former professional ballerina who poured blood sweat and tears to achieve a professional career in ballet. Snap back to me, a low energy, antisocial, drug fueled whiner who makes his problems other peoples.

My parents pay for my depression meds, support my college, and have fed and clothed me my whole life. I’ve taken so many valuable resources, society feeds me, educates me, works to make the institutions I use function. I’m not disabled, I have no excuse, I have nobody to blame but myself. If I dropped out of school I would lose my structure and have nothing to distract me, I think school is actually the only thing that separates me from complete isolation and hedonism.

I hate thinking about the future, and honestly I just want to make everybody around me look at me as something. I want to stop being a wallflower and make the world see me as something. I sometimes think I was born broken, I can’t point to anything else. Drugs, therapy, love, and I still give nothing.

More than anything else in the world I want to achieve something. I know nobody figures life out, and you’re right to point this out. I just want to make people think I figured something out. I want to look at me and be unable to say that my life was meaningless. I really hope that’s the way it turns out. Thanks for sharing your situation, I find comfort knowing other people struggle too ahahah I know thats a little screwed up but I can’t help it

[x_o]

I have no friends at uni unfortunately. I’m trying to train myself to become approachable but I can never view myself objectively and people seem to be uninterested (not that they should be). I value hearing from people more than I thought I would, I think writing calms me a little. Thanks for being kind to me :> I’m thankful for a place to hear feedback anonymously

[SheetMetalHead]

Well here’s another cliche for you: take a break from school and get a retail or customer service job. It can give you a sense of purpose, a source of income (albeit limited), and it can give you an appreciation for better job prospects.

When I walked away from my full ride, I felt like you did, like I had squandered opportunities most people saw as impossibilities. I moved back home, and once again was a financial burden for my parents–not just for living there, but now they were paying for me to continue school where they weren’t with my scholarship. I was going to local college, which offered me the flexibility of going to class but not being trapped in my college experience, so I got a part time job to get a little structure and a little spending cash. I found a lot of purpose in that minimum-wage job as an electronics store sales associate. I also got instant gratification in my paycheck–I worked, I got paid. I couldn’t buy pizza with a B+ on a term paper. I wasn’t making much money, but I was doing something to offset a little bit of what it cost my parents to have me move back home. I could afford fuel, fast food, dates, and even my school books if I shopped carefully.

Within a year I got a second job, and I was working 30+ hours a week while going to school full time. I dreaded school but thrived at work, even though the jobs themselves weren’t great. That made the decision (or the breaking point) to leave school easier. I liked working, so I knew I would land on my feet. I knew I felt pride in doing the best work I could in those shitty jobs, and in doing better than the other people those jobs normally attract. I also knew that I wasn’t doomed to the bottom rungs of the working class. I was hungry and eager to prove myself. I also knew that just the pride I took in my work qualified me for better jobs. Armed with all that knowledge, I knew if non-degreed engineering didn’t pan out (which at that point I was very unsure of), I would still do well in whichever career I settled into.

So again, if you have no sense of purpose in school, try getting a job. Getting a paycheck is better than getting a letter grade, the expectation to show up for work is much greater than the expectation to show up for class, the fruits of your labor are immediately apparent, and you may either find a surprise calling or the motivation to get better jobs by whatever means necessary. Plus, unlike school, you are given the mentorship and opportunity to fix your mistakes until they’re corrected–the mistake doesn’t go away if they simply give you an F and move on.