I woke up this morning and my mother immediately started berating me about the pictures and images I decided to put on my wall. I’ve had them for a while. Its basically a collage of an assortment of different images and art related to horror. I have my favorite rock band up there and artists. It stimulates my creatively and it makes the wall look less empty.
My mom has always mad about it and this is the 5th time she asked me to take them down.
I was upset that I just started living out of spite. Like I don’t want to die anymore. I really just want to express myself and live the life I want. Its what I’ve always been orginally fighting for and my mother made me realize that.
I don’t want to let her win
Its not only about what I like anymore
Its message to keep being me
She just saved me and didn’t even know it
Probably not the best way to get out of feeling suicidal but it worked
Also I decided to delete a particular app I’ve been using for 4 years. I realize I’m not like other people and I can’t handle an environment where I feel like I have to defend my identity and how I operate all the time. Its a good time waster but it doesn’t help when im starting to spiral. It quickly takes me into crisis mode.
Its hard to realize that attention doesn’t equal love cause my brain automatically connects that. So I would also post a lot so I can reaffirm that I am loved in my head everytime I some engagement going.
I still don’t feel 100%
Cause i just bounced back from tearing myself down on the inside
I don’t know if anyone remembers my friend Amy.
We are still friends!!
We didn’t talk for a while and once she came back I was surprised she still felt the same way about me. It was always attention = love for me
And I was in shock
Because I thought I had been abandoned and just didn’t say anything
Started working out again. And i’m determined
I wish I could find a better way to manage erratic mood swings cause different things can set me off and all of a sudden i can’t function anymore. Or I get the urge to hit someone. I just feel like a mess.
I think I want to get a diagnosis but maybe it’s just my autism