Update is below
Hey friends I posted a few weeks ago about life being hard and stuff getting to me. Well the last like almost week has been kind of one that really is getting at me. I am at a point I really want to give up. I was fighting so hard last night not to just end it. I also seriously wanted to self harm. I sat trying to talk myself out of it remind myself there are better ways. I feel helpless and useless. Crap has been really been hard.
The past few nights have been night terrors and nightmares so bad I am scared to sleep I have woken up with myself soaking in sweat or my legs so marked up that they hurt. A few nights ago I was screaming to a point a sister told me I woke her. I really don’t know how to handle this crappy PTSD. Right now it is kicking my butt. I also recently had where a memory I didn’t know about came back. It really hurt this one was tough to take. I really felt like how can I move past these. I also keep feeling like a burden and it is crappy because people remind me I am not. I hate when these feelings get this bad. I also hate when stuff like this truly doesn’t help. I feel like I am in a lake and I am fully drowning and that how can I be saved. I feel like my life is all this stuff that someone else did too me. Choices they made I have heard I don’t deserve this stuff but I feel like I do.
The memory I got was over the fact that a youth pastor of my church at the time did somethings forcing me by choking me. I won’t go into detail just because this alone is really painful to share to know that my life up too this point had been so hard itself but than someone else took advantage of who I was. They used me in away I can never unfeel. I feel so gross and nasty just remembering this. I keep repeating that he made a choice not you and that you are clean. I for the longest time had really questioned my faith but than got involved in a bible study and became clear that I was accepted for all my pieces that I have now began to really trust my faith and want to work more on it. But learning this just felt like that ship sinking more. I have scars from self harm and scars from things people have done to me or me trying to kill myself and as of late they are really triggering me making me think back to it.
Thank you for reading to this point. I really freaked myself out with this. I am scared that I may choose something stupid in another moment and I really hope in the next moment it isn’t that bad.