That dark place

Update is below
Hey friends I posted a few weeks ago about life being hard and stuff getting to me. Well the last like almost week has been kind of one that really is getting at me. I am at a point I really want to give up. I was fighting so hard last night not to just end it. I also seriously wanted to self harm. I sat trying to talk myself out of it remind myself there are better ways. I feel helpless and useless. Crap has been really been hard.

The past few nights have been night terrors and nightmares so bad I am scared to sleep I have woken up with myself soaking in sweat or my legs so marked up that they hurt. A few nights ago I was screaming to a point a sister told me I woke her. I really don’t know how to handle this crappy PTSD. Right now it is kicking my butt. I also recently had where a memory I didn’t know about came back. It really hurt this one was tough to take. I really felt like how can I move past these. I also keep feeling like a burden and it is crappy because people remind me I am not. I hate when these feelings get this bad. I also hate when stuff like this truly doesn’t help. I feel like I am in a lake and I am fully drowning and that how can I be saved. I feel like my life is all this stuff that someone else did too me. Choices they made I have heard I don’t deserve this stuff but I feel like I do.

The memory I got was over the fact that a youth pastor of my church at the time did somethings forcing me by choking me. I won’t go into detail just because this alone is really painful to share to know that my life up too this point had been so hard itself but than someone else took advantage of who I was. They used me in away I can never unfeel. I feel so gross and nasty just remembering this. I keep repeating that he made a choice not you and that you are clean. I for the longest time had really questioned my faith but than got involved in a bible study and became clear that I was accepted for all my pieces that I have now began to really trust my faith and want to work more on it. But learning this just felt like that ship sinking more. I have scars from self harm and scars from things people have done to me or me trying to kill myself and as of late they are really triggering me making me think back to it.

Thank you for reading to this point. I really freaked myself out with this. I am scared that I may choose something stupid in another moment and I really hope in the next moment it isn’t that bad.


I am sorry for all the things you’ve been through and are going through. You are a strong person. I am glad that you chose to hang on last night and also did not give in to self harm. I know things are hard right now. It seems like it’d be easier to give up. But remember, you never know what the future holds. You may struggle with PTSD and with others things for awhile. But there is always hope. Hold on to that hope. We are here for you. You aren’t going through this alone. Please continue to post if you need support.

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Hey @Artislife,

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re struggling with, but I’m proud of you for not self-harming last night! It takes a strong person to say “no” to the voices in your head and you did it! That is something to be proud of.

I’m not an expert in PTSD, but there is this thing called “cognitive therapy” that really helps people struggling with similar battles. Have you checked out seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist on the matter? They can definitely jump-start you with cognitive therapy and helping you feel much better. As a result, your nightmares and night terrors will decline in frequency because they’re typically linked to subconscious anxiety/depression.

In the meantime, remember that we’re here for you and that we want to see you beat this. Please continue to update us and thank you for reaching out!


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Alright so I wanted to give an update. A lot is still not easy. Stuff keeps giving me a lot of things I dont need. My dark place has not entirely lifted as I keep having darker thoughts and am trying to battle them as best I can. I am currently still dealing with night terrors so much that sleep is limited. I am trying hard to not let myself get to that state but so much is not helping. First with lots things not going right. My grandmother was admitted to the hospital last night which isnt a good thing for me.

I have had some issues as well with my hearing aids which help me hear at all. So I am really mad as of right now because it is hard to feel okay and not like a failure etc… I am struggling to see that but I also know there are a lot of people who love me and care about me so that is what i have been holding onto.

Thanks again for reading the update and thanks to those who replied to the first post.

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